emotional discipline - another perspective BPD

Oh Wow @Change123

I think I had better copy all that and go through it bit by bit - it looks important

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@Change123 wrote:

I was tired and my partner was overly affectionate coming up to me constantly giving hugs etc and instead of thinking "thats nice" I just had this overwhelming feeling like a panic attack that I couldnt breath and more than anything I just wnated to push him away and say " can you give me some space"!

I understand this perfectly - I never like people moving into my personal space and my ex husband used to do this at times - I know he wanted "affection" - what he called being intimate - and I never thought - "That's nice". My mind would be on the list of things I had to do before work, lunch, dinner etc - I was working at two jobs and studying and we were not living as man and wife so I know what he was about and it wasn't happening.

Whatever that is - affection, etc - it's annoying when you or I or anyone is not in the mood - and I so get that

However - you write

I do this a lot and then it ends up in arguments because he gets very offended. This time I didnt say anything and just worked through it. My partner fell asleep then and I went outside and just thought for while and kept telling myself I am sabotaging myself and then the feeling went away.

Do you feel as if you are sabotabging yourself by not telling him you need your space or when you do tell him you need your space? You are entitled to your own space and it sounds as if he needs to reassure himself - is this the case? If he is needy about that and gets upset - that is something to talk about with someone who can help because - as I said - you need your space - everyone does

This issues with his mother and his sister is another issue - I come from a toxic family and really - I have suggestions but there are some things I don't want to comment on -

You can't win with that - when families are toxic it's better to keep your space - again - it's a space issue -

I feel though that returning mail rather than opening it if you feel it will upset you and your partner is better - also more honest than ditching it

But goodonyer for not getting into victim-talk - or self-sabotage

Be proud of your successes

Dec

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Hi @Decadian@BlueBay@Shaz51@Former-Member@Former-Member@PeppiPatty@Former-Member

Well I was proud in my self that I didnt post again even though rage at work was an issue (details posted on that thread). I actually found not posting it at that time helped me to calm down very quickly, I think if I vent straight away it validates that issue and makes me more angry. The only difference I just found when I got home I wasnt angry just depressed and fed up feeling but OK. I told my partner that I didnt want to talk about it and it was just work and irrational stuff that I didnt want to validate by talking about it. He was good and even stated later on that I should know that whilst he doesnt want work to be a main factor in our personal life if its giving me grief and he can help he wants me to talk about it. I said no its crazy shit and not worth speaking about (I was told by bitch owner that I'm not doing my job because I didnt question a carers certificate by a pharmacist when they are legal) but they dont feel its right so thats all that matters in their world so I was told NOT TO PAY that employee even though the advice I have been given by HR lawyers is yes you have to pay). Anyway I kept to all my promises didnt rage, stayed calm, no victim talk or self sabotage. I still do feel really down though today but ok - didnt help this morning my partner out of the blew talks to me angrily saying that his mate is coming over and for me not to get all BPD (everytime we socialise he says I act inappropriately - maybe I do??) I replied calmly "Yes I know" but inside this has really pissed me off - and now I'm a bit anxious as its a bit of a test I gather.

Dont know am I just holding the rage in rather than dealing with it and is that why I feel a bit depressed or is it a simple case of EVERYONE LEAVE ME ALONE I'm sick of this shit.

@Decadian

With regards to your question about self sabotaging and me getting all overwhelmed with intimacy (just hugging etc). I think this annoyance is what is the self sabotage. It doesnt happen everytime he does this but I notice after a long period of things going good it then starts to annoy me - I think its me.

And yes with the toxic family issue we are just plainy refusing to have any contact with her.

Anyway I am dealing with things ok, the amount of depression and aggravation I have is I think "normal" as I dont feel like I'm just running with my emotions, its just there but not making me act in any way which I think is good??

Will let you all know how I go with the social thing tonight - I think I will play it safe and just keep out the way as much as possible.

Well either I misinterpreted my partner or he is feeling bad for the way he said about me not acting all BPD (he was half asleep) as I just smsd him to say I'm may have to work back for 30 mins to an hour and his reply was very nice and joking around??

Anyway I feel a little bit better now.

Hi @Change123

You are working hard to work things out - I can see that - but one thing I really believe about our feelings is that they are always valid even if they are not sound

Which means - our feelings are what they are and we are entitled to them - but they may not be the truth about the situation

And if you want me to clarify that a bit more I will try - I use the expression often

So - I get it - you get irritated when your partner wants to cuddle and you don't - okay

The truth about your feelings is that you get irritated and that is valid and you are entitled to feel irritated

The feelling you are sabotaging the situation - now my therapist would ask me for the evidence on this subject - how is being honest about the way you feel sabotaging the situation?

Anyway - relationships have two sides -

And keeping our feelings to ourselves - that is supressing our anger - that turns into depression - being angry about what's happening at work - yes - I get that and you would rather not bring that home - but sometimes we need to - having a partner is helping each other through life

But being told not to go all BDP when his mates come over - I am not at all sure about that - it seems your last comment tells a lot

You want to be left alone and when you are holding such rage - yes - pushed inside it will be depression

You are working on stuff - and it is hard work

hugs - Dec

@Decadian

As always thanks for your insight.

I know what you are saying about feelings and that they are valid but the cause maybe from something else.

Look my partner isnt perfect and has some big issues too but I'm taking it slow with him. I need to build his confidence within me before I start stating how things should be. He has had so much crap for so long and now with his family issues it just bring back how my family treated him so he is probably gertting triggered left right and centre. I know only too well that he has knee jerk reactions to me from the past, like this comment about his mate coming over. I'm not defending them at all but I understand how insecure he really is and that he needs to feel that he can trust me. So I'm trying to work on that and I feel I cant make statements yet until he trusts me. Its the first time in over 25 years that things have gone good for this long so I know he is feeling when will it turn back to how it has always been. Its a bit of a balancing act at the moment I can see that and for once I'm seeing things through his perspective which has helped a lot too.

Thanks will let you know how I went tonight.

@Decadian@BlueBay@Shaz51@Former-Member@Former-Member

All went well last night, my partner explained how he had no sleep all night and was having a bad dream about me and when he spoke to me in the morning he was still half in that dream state which is why he was so grumpy with me. He was really good last night and tried to be supportive. So no rage, I was calm, no victim talk and no justifying myself.

Today after reading a reply to my RAGE post I feel very pissed off hence why I am posting now rather than lunch time.

Not much to say and trying to keep negative thoughts out of my head.

I'm sick of having the finger pointed at me in life that its all my fault and now that I'm stuck in a job due to financial committments and cant leave without another job to go and I have complete morans for bosses who are vendictive, manipulative and down right mean yet I'm the one in the wrong for being in a position where I cant leave ..............................................................................................

coping not freaking out but really really pissed off

Good Morning @Change123

It sounds like you were able to gain more insight in to the situation with your partner after communicating with him, which is great. I know that when I have experiences in my own relationship and check in when I'm feeling like I need clarifaication about something I generally have those light bulbs moments when I remind myself that assuming and mind reading isn't helpful for me! I like that you found time and a way of finding strategies to help you get to your outcome. Nice work 🙂

I get the sense that you find it helpful to type out your thoughts and feelings and I think that this is great, again that you have found ways to support yourself. I like your proactiveness Change123. Thank you for sharing this morning and I hope that your levels of being pissed off continue to feel managable. We're here for you 🙂

@Former-Member

All good now the person has advised me that they had written it wrong and it wasnt what they meant.

The good thing was I was about to totally justify myself with it and then I deleted it from the post and said instead I REFUSE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF which for me was hard.

I dont know if maybe you can clarify but I'm find now that my emotions are only feeling "out of control" for a few minutes nowand then I just feel sad, angry, depressed or happy but it doesnt seem to be to an extreme anymore. I'm thinking this is a good thing and maybe I'm controlling them more without having to think about it.???

Anyway last post for today need to stick to the boundary I created- thanks again Pebbles.

Hi @Change123

It does sound as if you have employers who are using you rather than employing you - yes - I get it that you are being paid and I also think you are qualified for an accounts position

But it is impossible for youl to cause everything to go wrong - and as for finger pointing - I rather believe that people who pick at other people for all the problems are rather mixed up and cause these problems for themselves - and at work you seem to be the whipping boy - and this is not good at all

I certainly understand financial commitments but how is it that you can't leave - I know you have to wait 6 weeks for unemployment and you can't be sacked because it seems you have a contract - but part of that contract means you have to be treated fairly by you bosses

What is you health worth with all these stressors - walking this fine line between things at work and with your partner must be really hard - it must be taking a toll on you

I get it - you are pissed off - and I would be too

It's not all your fault - that's imoissible -

Dec

Good morning @Change123 my friend xx

Remember we are with you

Hi @Former-Member, I love your name xx