emotional discipline - another perspective BPD

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@Change123 wrote:

As per my rage post, I'm trying to get pays started at the moment and the owner wanted me to type a letter, because I didnt DROP everything and said "I just need to finish this" and then will get it done he went off at me asking "why do I take so long for payroll . . . "

After I done that I thought I should not have to justify why payroll takes me this long if they have no clue and my errors are just about zero, into his wife's office where he was and said "why do I keep having to justify" as its not the first time you have said this.

His wife than got shitty and said I was going to bring this up inyour performance review that you give too much priority to payroll????? I

So I tried to stick upf or myself and not justify but I got mad instead!!

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Hey hey hey @Change123

You "should" not need to justify yourself regarding they payroll - ask anyone who is on the payroll if they want you to hurry it and make a mistake so they have the bother of finding themselves with less money than they have earned - I have done payroll and before computers or EFT and it is necessary to be precise

Oh - someone and his wife got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning then tried to make you take the brunt or it and I wouldn't want to hurry payroll

But you do have to stick up for yourself - don't be door mat - even the dog's body runs over the door mat - oh b^gger - you stuffed it up today and got mad - you can't change that now but yes - think carefully and write down some clever comments for the next time you are being unreasonably picked on -

Give yourself a break Change - just because someone is your boss does not give them the right to be rude and unreasonable about you and your work - I have stood my ground and lost my job actually - and it was to do with payroll - aah - - - payroll - but I would do the same again

Yeah - bad luck when both of them get up in such a bad state and bring it to work

Oh joy!!

Hugs Change

Dec

Hi @Change123

I read one of your emails first thing this morning - well - I got up late

What I got out of it is that your partner's mother expects your partner to get on with his sister after childhood abuse - fat chance - why should you?

Why should I - whatever served TS as a child still serves her - and after all these decades I am tired of it - and some of it is soo b^tchy why should I put myself back there

Your partner sounds as if he is coping with a toxic family situation - and although blood is thicker than water - it's stickier too -

I do have friends who get on with their siblings - but I also hear a lot of stories about people who have escaped to find a better environment

It does sound as if the last couple of days have been rather chaotic - and you feel as if you are justifying yourself - I rather think of it has standing up for yourself and being heard

I am actually glad I finally read your email - and that you finally got it posted -

Dec

Thanks @Decadian @BlueBay@Shaz51@Former-Member

Well I was proud of myself last night, even though this work issue had me all worked up I didnt bring it home. My partner can read me like a book and kept asking me what was wrong so I said "I had a shit day, dont worry about its just abosolute crap and it doesnt deserve our attention or time" . Then maybe about 40 minsutes later it made me realise for how long I have been brining this crap home and venting on my partner. Not yelling at him just telling him what has happened. I have realised that he has a lot on his plate and his very fragile especially now and I can see in the past why I have worked him up when I have talked about work. So out the blue I went up to him and said "everything that has been happening lately with your sister has made me realise a few things and I'm sorry for in the past always bringing work home whether its bitching or what ever - its just a job and thats it and I wont bring it home anymore"! He was pleasantly gobsmacked so I figure I done the right thing.

One thing that has me more angry this morning is me, why do I let these people get to me - I figure there must be an underlying reason - if any one has any ideas please let me know.

The only thing I can think of is when I was a young child I was diagnosed with petit mal epilepsy which meant I would go into a daze rather than a fit for a few seconds. Anyway my whole family including my sisters boyfriend would discuss around me like I wasnt there "oh she will never get a job, she will never drive, she will never amount to anything" - Am I still trying to prove myself? I gather why I have put such importance on work in the past is yes it was somewhere where I could succeed when I was failing badly with BPD but I think I was trying to prove to myself still that I'm not hopeless like they all said. But I know that now so why do I get so damned worked up about work issues. I have thought of another tactic to use here, the wife especially seems to thrive on putting me down in areas I take the most pride in - like payroll. Last year it was I was too professional, I was too nice to customers and suppliers and even told I should be nice in my own time!, and I was too efficient I got things done too quickly and now this year its becuae I spend too much time and give too much priority to payroll. She feeds on pushing my buttons and then enjoying the stess she puts me under and she always does this when I'm fragile - like she knows and goes in for the jugular. So I'm trying the "rock" technique which I know full on narcissists hate - show no emotion or reaction. I have tried many times to put my arguments across and they will believe what they want to believe, they are the experts on EVERYTHING so they think.

Anyway enough time spent on them, today I will pick up where I left off

no rage, stay calm, no justifying, no victim talk and dont sabotage myself at home.

PLUS DONT LET THEM GET TO ME!!!

Hi @Change123

That is a question Change- Why do you let them get to you?

I think you actually answered that - you had people talking about you as if you weren't there - discounting you and putting you down - how you could never amount to anything - and so

It seems that you over-compensated - becoming too effiicient etc - and too nice - how can anyone be too nice? But still that's what you feel now - and you did your best to overcome the voices in your head saying what a failure you would have to turn out to be - and I guess you had to work hard to prove them wrong

But still your boss's wife presses your buttons. You are right - you can't beat people like that - be a rock - develop you rock-persona - imagine the narcissist gazing at her own perfection in a pool until she turns into a daffodil -

All the best today - I hope it's a better day - and yes - you did do well with your partner last night - he is fragile right now and best to keep the work crap away from him right now

But normally - we do unwind at home - we are being "too nice" when we can't be ourselves in our own homes

Hugs though

Dec

@Decadian Thanks!

The wife is in now and doing the passive aggressive thing of avoiding me and not talking to me - thats just the way I like it!

I definitely need to work on a strategy to not let her get me so " triggered" and to stop being worried that I will be fired - its so stupid I'm a HR manager and I know there is nothing they can do at the moment to fire me. I guess I need to unravel years of self talk that work defines whether I'm a success or not in life.

Hi @Change123

Okay - your boss's wife is in daffodil mode and that's great

Just so you know the story - Narcissus was a mythical character who loved himself so much he looked at his reflection in a pool for so long he turned into a daffodil - what a loser eh!!!!

Yes - you do have rights at work and you obviously know your job and I think you would have a great chance of winning if discharged because you did your work too well

I spent most of my life doing things to enhance my self-esteem - and still did not see it until last year sometime when I was seeing a therapist and realised I was not the lost cause my mother seemed to think I am -

It was astounding - it really surprised the therapist - but that was true - now I can see I am worth more than my mother ever saw - and yeah - it took so long - and I shed so many tears and she finally died - something we all face - and then I could see past all the crap and knew I was the better person

You come across as a good worker and a worth-while person - yeah - we have to get rid of the past and that is hard work

wtg

Dec

Hi @BlueBay@Decadian@Shaz51@Former-Member@Former-Member

Well I was sort of good last night but I didnt remain calm. I went into full manic mode for some reason but I was happy not aggitated. My poor partner kept saying " slow down - have a drink or something - play with the dog" and I just kept talking constantly, I realised I was doing it so many times and stopped and then before I knew it I was hyping out again. Eventually I crashed on the bed and watched TV.

I seem to do this when ever I go through a stressful situation, it seems to come on after all the stress is gone and then my brain just hypes out and then I crash from exhaustion - if anyone can explain this that would be helpful.

Maybe its just that I have had too much happen in too much of a short time (ie. partners family crap which was extremely distressing then I dont have much time to get over that and work). Anyway I didnt rage, no victim talk but apparently even though I didnt feel depressed I apparently would talk in a bit of a negative down way.

Today I feel good, hopefully all out of my system.

I wont be in tomorrow so until Monday my diciplines are still no rage, STAY CALM AND QUIET , no victim talk an no justifying!

Hi @Change123

Freak not!! You are not alone. I can go off like a two-bob-watch when I am stressed or scared - I run off at the mouth in a really weird way - I tell one original joke after another and have everyone laughing - and I laugh - and at the same time I am shaking

You should have been there when I had surgery on my knee a few years ago - I had an audience - one more would not have been a bother at all - and I have had a lot of teeth out - one at a time - and I have to stop when the dentist starts to extract the root of a broken tooth - but I can't stop with the jokes

I know you have self-image problems - I think that's what it is - and maybe this is how you cope with it - talking I mean - but running off at the mouth seems to be a way to deal with the excess of emotion -

Scary - I know - but talking it out of your system might be hard on your audience unless you can think up jokes - I know it can be embarrassing - and maybe your partner finds it hard to understands

But imo it's pretty normal - but yes - try and cut down the victim talk - unless you can invent victim jokes - if that is politically correct

Enough of this - I am rattling myself

Don't worry - Dec

Thanks @Decadian

Definitely self image issues, actually something an employee said made me think of why I let the bosses get to me. This younger employee is a little like me in the context that he will bite back to them as well as anyone else who speaks to him in a bad manner or if its undeserved. He is on 25 but was abused when young and bashed. Starting to think that yes what i said about work being everthing but I also wonder is it because we have been walked on for so long that we are now over compensating to some degree and make it our mission to not let that happen again?? Just thinking........

I also tend to crack lots of jokes, I was doing this last night, my partner said I was good and happy but he just needed some peace from me as I was going 100 miles an hour.

Thanks again and no I'm not worrying just trying to understand myself better so I can stop the faulty behaviours - work in progress!

@Decadian@BlueBay@Shaz51@Former-Member@Former-Member

I was so proud of myself!!!!!!

I dont why I do this but I'm such an idiot - whenever things go good I try to sabotage things. This almost started happening on Thursday, I was tired and my partner was overly affectionate coming up to me constantly giving hugs etc and instead of thinking "thats nice" I just had this overwhelming feeling like a panic attack that I couldnt breath and more than anything I just wnated to push him away and say " can you give me some space"! I do this a lot and then it ends up in arguments because he gets very offended. This time I didnt say anything and just worked through it. My partner fell asleep then and I went outside and just thought for while and kept telling myself I am sabotaging myself and then the feeling went away. I even went so far as to wake him up with a nice back rub! Then I noticed over the weekend he started to get aggitated and I kept thinking maybe he's is stressing over his mum as she hasnt called. This was the case I found out on Sunday when she did call and start another argument with my partner saying that he should just be nice to his sister..... We also found out that his sister has been telling his mum that we dont want to see her again, and done a total flip flop on what she accused us of before - so his mother is totally confused and still blames us. He was so angry after the phone call but told me everything which was good and I supported him. Liek I told him the narcissistic sister is probably freaking out because we ceased all contact and her paln didnt work as we dont react to anything. We know she is sending us something via post so we wont even open it as I'm sure its full of toxic words just "return to sender" that will freak her little wagon out!

But I kept it together, no rage, calm, managed to not self sabotage and I dont think any victim talk or justifying!. I forgot to mention even my partner commented how in these past few weeks I have "grown up" a lot.

Same criteria for this week both work and home, no rage, no victim talk, no sabotage and no justifying.