emotional discipline - another perspective BPD

Hi All @Shaz51@Decadian@Former-Member@BlueBay@Former-Member@Former-Member@PeppiPatty

Ok I ws good last night but my partner doesnt thinks so. I think he is badly triggered again we had a strange thing happen and not sure if his sister is behind it. Someone rang our council with all the correct information stating our dog has died and to cancel registration??? Hopefully just a stupid council thing. My partner is not coping too well with everything and me keeping work stuff from home I think is stressing him out as well. He got shitty with me for something I would do (personal) because I was tired to the point of not feeling well and massive headache. Then he used this to give me grief for a while. I DID NOT REACT.

I'm very anxious but for the first time I'm going to sit him down tonight (depending how he is) and tell him how I feel I wasnt treated fairly and that he has to recognise what he does puts strain on our relationship too - its not all me. I cant do the work for him as well, if I'm constantly trying and he gets bent out of shape if he doesnt get his way.

Anyway feeling very low at the moment and angry at myself for how my moods are so dependent on his. I felt I could see this coming as it is all getting too much for him. I just hope this does not bring us right back to the start again I dont know if I could handle that after all this work!

Wont be posting again today so have a good weekend everyone and will let you know how it went

Well I have posted again in "worry room" thread, I know I'm breaking a boundary that I set but I feel this is one I can break as I'm just freaking out inside about tonight. The closer its getting to going home the more I'm freaking out and I want to get what I can out of my system before hand so I dont stuff things up tonight. Boy I wasnt wrong when I said everything seems to be testing me at once.

My stomache feels like aliens are in there!!!

Why cant we just have peace in our lives with no upheavals for a month at least!!!!!!

Anyway got some stuff out and will go but still freaking out inside .........

hello @Change123

How are you ? I've been thinking about your earlier message today and I'm waking up at this time for an hour...... thought I would answer you.

Does it feel like " your partner is acting a little like your bosses in that he doesnt like beiing told he is wrong?

So this is the two feelings that I have from your message.

You are very tired.

You love your partner.

Can you work with these two sentences with your partner? I'm not not answering you but I read your messages and have other things going on in my life....today, my husband had a meltdown and it took me a long time to get through it. His scihizophrenia condition was bad tonight............

Though I commend you for thinking of not messaging here as much, I think that it's safe to message here. When I started messaging here, I used to feel very fake and plastic. It took me a while of messaging for me to start feeling real. Often, I just message, 'I'm not coping. This is too hard. 'and everyone messages to that. Now I'm getting a grip on my life and it's different. Then, I will not cope again.

If your BPD was so not dealt with by you, you wouldnt be able to take in that I have a life too or others have issues. I think that you are incredible for doing what you do.

PP

Hi @PeppiPatty@Shaz51@Decadian@Former-Member@BlueBay@Former-Member

Well I was very proud of myself on the weekend and particularly in talking to my partner Thursday night.

Since I knew he was triggered I was being very sensative and not trying to blame him instead I wanted to explain why I'm so tired so he could understand - which I did once I got home. He was good and then I realised he thought I was shitty over something else so I dont think he realised what he said to me when he was in a state. Thursday night he was very quiet then Friday I dont know if this is my perception and wrong or it was fact but it felt like I was being lectured all day about work and how we cant afford for me to lose my job etc he wasnt angry but stressed at the thought of no job. Then after that things went back to normal and good now. One thing he did say to me about work which hit home and made sense to me. My main problem is that I let "my personal values and ethics" get in the way and if it doesnt go to plan then I take it personally. So basically I should just shut up and do my job and whats expected.

I think he is correct here, looking back at past histories in jobs (especially last 10 years when BPD has been at worst) it seems first 2 years at a job and everything goes really really good and then things start to get to me a lot.

But I think its time I just shut up , do my job (or what they want me to do) and keep out of everything. I'm going to stop posting on the rage thread as I think that just angers me more if I post about my rage. I need to put work in its proper place, it doesnt validate who I am or the morals/ ethics I have its just a job to pay the bills. In regards to the bosses I just wont argue with them anymore, do what they want when they want and if they start on me for no reason I will not respond except for "why are you yelling at me"!

So here is hoping to a good week emotional disciplines for work and home are:

no rage, keep calm, no victim talk, no negativity, no justification NEW ONE dont take things personally!

As a summary this is how I have been going on them.

Rage - most of the time pretty good, mainly at work found hard - still needs work.

Calm - Most of the time good but sometimes I get manic - at least I can tell a bit now when this happens

No Victim talk - Not bad but still is work in progress

No Negativity - this depends on my mind set and is still work in progress

No justification - getting better but still work in progress

Dont take things personally will be very challenging as others with BPD may understand. Looking at this makes me realises I have still a lot of work to do so I wont add any more until I get these down which included "dont take things personally"!

Have a good week everyone!

Great work @Change123. I was trying to find an image that said keep going, you're doing great. I found this one and it seems perfect for you 💜🤗

And you're doing it @Change123 👍💜😘

i hope you feel your life is getting better slowly.

Thanks @Former-Member

It does seem like its happening ever so slowly though - but better some than none!

Its the old thing of 2 steps forward and sometimes one step back!

Thanks

Good work @Change123 so proud of you.

I am goiong to discipline myself thhis week - no negative self talk and learning to write down my triggers and when it happens to write down how I feel in my body and what behaviour I do.

Let's see how I go this week. I'll let you know. All the best for the week xxxooo

@BlueBay THATS EXCELLENT!!

Thats the one thing that I really learnt whilst doing this - learning what my triggers are and my feelings and behaviours.

Give yourself a treat when you get through each day (i.e glass of wine or what ever you drink, sweets etc) it just helps cement it in if you do something good and have a reward - no matter how little the reward is.

We will compare notes end of the week!

xxxooooo

Icecream is me and my husbands treat.....

Am so pleased to be part of your movement .....

I really like that you write this:

I think he is correct here, looking back at past histories in jobs

no rage, keep calm, no victim talk, no negativity, no justification NEW ONE dont take things personally!

Please keep on writing here @Change123...love what @Former-Member writes too....

Sorry, I've got to run to do PeppiPatty stuff.......

pp

Hi @PeppiPatty@BlueBay@Decadian@Shaz51@Former-Member and everyone else

Just checking in as I havent been on the forum for about a month.

I hope everyone is well and moving forward.

Things are actually going good, yes I know I seem surprised!

I have had my ups and downs but coping well even with work! My partner even said to me last night "you know we are the best we have been in a very long time"! so I guess I'm doing good. When we have had a few dramas which I believe was caused by my partner I'm learning how to cope with that from his perspective and diffusing situations rather than making them worse. I'm taking more time out for myself which I think helps. On my Fridays which I'm still having off I tend to have a big sleep in (getting very fatigued laterly through peri menopause) and just do what I feel like doing that day. Work hasnt changed but I have a slightly different mind set towards that now, I guess I care less in the sense that I dont get upset if they want me to do something I dont agree with - I just get on with it. Learning to choose my battles and realising they are not worth my grief and stress.

I ALSO JUST WANTED TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THEIR SUPPORT!

I think this forum made a real difference for me especially with the moderators stepping in and telling us the truth about things even if we dont want to hear it then and there or just making us think. And of course everyone else who have given me feedback on the issues I was experiencing. I have found being off the forum has also been good for me, it lets me concentrate on myself and not get wrapped up with everyone's issues. I hope that doesnt sound selfish, I just find I start caring too much about others and put myself on the back burner and then get triggered by everything.

I have still been trying to stick to my disciplines but maybe in a different way, rather than doing like before where I would state everything I need to look out for I'm just trying to be "mindful" in all situations. When I feel I'm not so good then I start to give myself those goals again to get through. I'm also find that with my partner my knee jerk reaction is to take things personally but I purposely remove myself from the situation and within a few minutes I'm feeling ok again and carry on like nothing has happened.

Anyway will check in again in a month or so to let you know how I'm pregressing away from the forum.

Take care everyone and thanks again for you support and insights - could not have done this without all of you!