emotional discipline - another perspective BPD

Hello @Change123,

That must have taken a lot courage to be able to have been very empathic to your partner. It sounds like you were being completely empathic towards him which can be exhausting so no wonder you crashed on the couch.

It is good you were able to take care of yourself after that time which is very helpful, and as you said you have been purposely shutting off from him, this new behaviour will be tiresome at first but over time won't be exhausting. Just take good care of yourself in the mean time like you are 🙂

Goodluck at working with your disciplines when seeing his sisters, maybe you can try to make it a short and sweet as possible visit 🙂

Thanks @Former-Member

Interesting I would have not thought just being empathetic would have made me like that but its made me think about how we are always told we have no empathy. I think the problem with me is that I have felt empathy for my partner lots of times but for some reason I was too scared to voice it out loud and I think by doing that I was pushing away his feelings so I wouldnt have to experience his hurt. Not because I dont want to know how he feels but that my own hurt was enough and I didnt want to take on his as well and I think by doing that maybe I shut out those empathetic feelings similar to dissassociation and now that I have let them out its probably been overwhelming.

In regards to our visit well it will be a whole day thing as we are about 5 hours drive away but that will be the plan to get out ASAP after sorting out the house and then we will see his mum in the nursing home. I know we will be ok while we are there its coming back and after my parnter has stewed about what ever happens is not what I'm looking forward to as it will probably send him into a bit of a meltdown.

I'm going to try and be very empathetic towards my partner tomorrow when we get home but while we are there I will keep out of all the discussions so I dont say the wrong thing and just try to remain calm and not get triggered. I may take a nap on the way up and down which will help me.

Will let you know how I go.

Hi @Former-Member@Shaz51 and everyone else.

I'm a real zombie today, yesterday was such a physcially, emotionally and mentally draining day. My partner nearly had a meltdown on the way up there so I was trying to calm him down and pretended I was calm while menawhile I'm trying to sneak in breathing excercised to calm myself down. We left by 8am and got home at midnight but things started off very stressful and got better through the day. When we got home my partner got upset with me about something really minor and silly and I started to get argumentative as I was very tired, irratable, hungry and just wanted to crash. Then I thought OK today was a very very taxing day for him full of high emotion so no wonder he is upset and freaking out. So I avoided him while I was getting everything ready for work today and he started to calm down and I realised how upsetting this was for him. I probably shouldnt be a t work as I can feel my brain wanting to shut down from absolute exhaustion but I dont really have a choice so I wont post anymore today after this as I need to try and focus on work and I can tell I'm rambling!

All in all I made it through the day using my disciplines, I started to falter once at home through exhaustion but then I managed to turn it around. My partner even said something nice to me stating even though I was a bit of a pain hassling him as I was trying to focus him he appreciated it and understood that I had nothing but good intentions.

Anway we have round 2 on the weekend of going up again so hopefully things will ge even smoother this time. I at least dont feel anxious about going up there now and I know he is feeling better about it. I just need some sleep now!

Morning @Change123,

Yesterday must have been exhausting, your partner sounds like he is having a really hard time with all of this, and you are being so supportive.

It's understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and your brain is overloaded, just try to focus on one thing at a time so you can tick one thing off and feel more calm.

It's good you dont feel as anxious about going up there again tomorrow, you should reward yourself with something nice, it has been a big week!

You are doing such a lovely job at caring for your partner, rest when you can 🙂

Hi @Change123

it was great to read how well you've done. You are definitely a guiding light. I just wanted to say hi. I've not been posting much at the moment, I don't think I've had the self discipline you've had of late to make many changes and have been spending too much time in full on crises. Keep up the great work. I think you are doing an amazing job. 💜🤗

Thanks @Former-Member

i think the more I practice and do the easier it is becomming but one thing I have found with this it is making me very aware of my actions and if I do stuff up I realise within a minute or two whereas previously it wouldnt be till the next day once its way too late.

I'm sorry to hear of things not going well hope it gets better for you soon.

This will be a very testing journey for my disciplines as we will be dealing a lot with partners siblings who are very greedy whilst trying to get rid of all the furniture and personal items she doesnt want and selling the house. So this journey will be going on for a few months I guess.

Hopefully I have ingrained enough good habits to keep it all up and yes I'm very aware during these times I have to ensure I look after myself with lots of sleep which something my body tends to crave when I get like this.

Thnks for your kind support Teej!

Hi @Former-Member@Former-Member@Former-Member@Appleblossom

Well I'm not going to discuss details as i promised my partner but boy what a piece of work they are - we were totally manipulated and had!

Yesterday was a very trying day, I was keeping my partner from totally raging and losing it after what they did as well as myself. This is going to be a very difficult journey. We both got through it with helping each other but again very exhausted today. But I did not lose it, I cried a bit because of some very hurtful things said but got over with my partners help. Realising I'm dealing with a narcassist and possible BPD traits. I guess I'm starting to see the other perspective as the way I am being treated by this person - could in a weird way be a good thing for me as I can really see how I used to behave and how childish I could be. I guess a bit of a constant reminder of how not to behave.

I think the little girl is starting to grow up and starting to see and deal with things in a more adult fashion.

I'm still a little fragile so wont be on the boards today as I need to make sure I dont get triggered and give the satisfaction of getting upset.

This is also my chance to make it up to my partner for the past and show him how supportive I can be . He is really hurting and extremely angry! I'm not going to stuff up this chance and I'm going to do the right thing. No more "I hope" I will do the right thing as I'm an adult and need to be dealing with this as such - I will not let my BPD get the better of me - this is really important and I need to do this right.

Hi @Former-Member@Former-Member@Appleblossom@Former-Member

My partner spoke to his mother and got so much stuff sorted out we just cant believe what crap we were fed by the siblings. Last night we were both feeling I guess relieved but angry at them for causing this unneccessary crap for his mother.

We worked on a strategy of how to deal with them if we see them face to face which is good. Basically we have already told them that we dont want to communicate verbally anymore and everything is in writing but if we do run into them I'm sure we will get a big raging mouthful as for women in their 60's they act like little children having tantrums and if they do we will not respond, show any emotion and just walk away - they can then deal with the fact that they wont get the emotional response they are thriving for. I also discussed some issues before with my partner about my family and how I feel scared to see them etc if I ever have to and he made me realise I can emplore the same strategy for them. This makes me feel a bit better.

At the moment I'm trying to work through all the triggers this is giving me without dumping on my partner as at the same time he is in a worse state and I'm trying to keep him positive and "together" so he doesnt start taking it out on me.

Boy I think I'm being tested but I'm keeping it together, just tired and irritable but no bad anxiety, depression or rage. The one thing I have noticed that I have been getting a bit manic lately but whether this is due to lack of sleep. My partner has also said some nice things on how he is noticing improvement with me. I'm actually feeling I think a bit proud of myself but at the same time I'm terrified that I will revert back. So I just keep saying to myself I dont have a choice I cant revert back especially now that I can see the positives and how this is helping us.

You go girl @Change123 💜😘. It's really great to read. It sounds like there are many rewards to reap through your hard work. 😊

hello @Change123 and others

I love this.

I love the comment: she must know I want this damn brandy as she hassled me again but I thought again nope I want my brandy tonight - so I'm laughing now instead of raging as I usually would.

I love the smile at the end.

I love that you are innovative and putting something into action.

I love that you will inspire others and help provide a light at the end of the tunnel.

I love that your post has connected with me and I am smiling as I am writing this,,

I love that you are sharing and including others.

I love that you are not letting it get to you against the odds of SHE.

I can use this idea with major depression and anxiety also.

I will not encroach on this page though as I think it is important for you to keep this going as you want it to go.

lovely xxxxx