emotional discipline - another perspective BPD

Hi @Former-Member

Sorry I didnt reply sooner, I was suppposed to be working on Friday but my boss decided it wasnt required as I was walking out the door.

I did stay calm all weekend and things have got much better at home. I went to the shops Thursday night and decided to treat myself to a cinnamon donut as a treat - it felt good! He is still pissed and very depresssed but no more rage.

He talked all day yesterday just trying to explain how he feels and how he hs got to the stage that just little things send him off due to so many years of the same stuff. I havent told him about how I'm trying this emotional discipline because I dont want him to get negative about it - although he did ask due to being at a loss " what can he do to make this situation better as he cant handle it anymore - but he loves me" I have told him that i want to be made aware when I do something BPD so I'm intune with it and if it means nagging me thats fine.

Had bad news about a work colleague on the weekend too, one of the supervisor had a car accident Friday night which resulted in a broken neck and extensive spinal injuries - he is only 38 - wife due for first baby in 3 months and he was finishing off building a house. As of this morning he is numb from the chest down so not good - makes you re-evaulate whats a priority in life thats for sure.

Anyway my challenge for today at work is to be calm and supportive to staff - at home no victim talk and calm (partner always says everything I say is in the negative and victim orientated so trying to break that habit!

So far so good stayed calm at home with no victim talk that I know of (wasnt brought to my attention) and things were a lot better, also stayed calm at work despite my boss playing games and saying horrible things about the person in hospital.

Its good I dont need a reward now, its becoming almost addictive in a good way that I need to achieve these challenges and if I do slip up slightly it really bothers me - so I gather thats a good thing!

Todays challenge for work and home - staying calm with no victim talk and not letting work get to me as they are not worth my effort!

OK I stayed calm yesterday at work which was challenging as I'm sure the boss goes out of her way to make things as difficult as possible and I'm not exaggerating!

I also stayed calm at home, I dont think I did any victim talk - it wasnt brought to my attention but I do remember winging about my sore knee so that wasnt good.

Today its probably my last entry for a few weeks as from tomorrow 12 noon we break up and I cant really post from home.

My challenge over the next few weeks will be to stay calm, no victim talk and no negativity.

The negativity talk at work will be a challenge even though its only for 1.5 days, its very stressful at work at the moment and the bosses just seem to be on a mission to make everyone feel as unappreciated as ever - morale is at its lowest so I will be honest this bit will be very hard as there isnt much positivity but I'm just focuing on 1.5 days to go and nothing can stop that so I have a light at the end of my tunnel.

ok I was negative at work ALREADY!!!!

Need to just keep my mouth closed day! Just was told about something else my boss has said which is just to aggravate me - I think she is upset that I'm not biting and just keep a smile on my face.

Start again will not speak negatively at work for the rest of the day!!!!!!

I'm not going so well in this negativity today, its not so much that I feel negative or putting a negative spin but we are all joking around and saying how we cant wait to get out of here and some of us who the boss is trying to make the last day and half chaotic are just laughing about it as we were expecting it and it came to fruition because of the person she is. We have made negative comments about her but we are all so happy about finishing tomorrow at 12 noon.

Maybe this is an excuse but I dont really care when it comes to my bosses about saying negative stuff about them because thats all they show but inside I'm in a great mood (hoping not get manic but I think just excitement to get out of here!) One thing for sure I really dont care what crap she dishes out today and tomorrow - nothing she does will wipe the smile off my face. I have also resigned myself to the fact that I will get a bad performance review but you know what " I dont care" I have lost so much respect for them - their opinion doesnt matter to me anymore even if they are my employer!

This will be my last post for this thread till next year.

You hold yourself to high standards of emotional discipline @Change123

I hope your partner recognises that and is aware nobody is perfect.

Good Luck on your break with family.

Hi @BlueBay@Appleblossom@Former-Member@Former-Member@Former-Member

I'm back and quite proud of myself!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL

My 3 weeks off was actually ok, first week was really good - no rage, kept calm and no victim talk. The 2nd week my partner got pissed off with something I said and he sulked for a few days but I didnt let it get to me and I kept going and kept my anxiety down by doing lots in the garden and playing with the dog. Then I did slip up and he told me one day (was having a bad day) that I was doing the victim talk so I stopped straight away and it didnt happen again until last night - first day before work I got very anxious and worked hard to keep it under control - dont think I did as good a job as I hoped as my partner commented but now I'm good!

My partner also explained why his meltdown was so bad, his mother is going into a nursing home after a bad fall at home about 2 months ago and didnt tell me about it incase it would stress me out more or I would stress him out more. He has to deal with selfish family members and it will be a stressful road, plus his father died maybe 2 years after going into a nursing home so he has that on his mind too.

When he told me this I could see how upset about it he was so I have tried to either respect that and keep my distance and talk about it only when he wants.

He did tell me that he was very surprised to see how much of his feelings I was taking into account and he told me how happy that made him so hopefully this is a start of a new beginning.

I think also part of my problem with my partner is that I feel if he is just needing his own space I feel like he is upset with me and will bug him "whats wrong" but I'm coming to grips more and more that this is just my faulty thinking and trying not to be so organised as well as he hates how I want to plan everything so I'm trying not to do that which I hate.

I also realised by my panic attack last night how much work stresses me out so I have to learn to "not care" as much if that makes any sense. I treat things so personally even with helping others with my job and need to realise that I need a barrier there to stop me. I will always work as hard as I do now because that is my work ethic but if they make a decision I dont like I wont argue the point anymore.

So here is hoping for a better 2017?

I will be doing my disciplines weekly now as they will be the same for a week and then I will introduce more.

work - no rage, keep calm and remember its a job not my personal responsibility

home - no rage, keep calm, no victim talk and dont take things personally

Will let you all now at the end of the week how I went.

Hi @Change123,

Welcome back and Happy New Year!!

It sounds like your three weeks off went well! A time of learning curves and self-discovery. I have to say that I am loving how self-reflective you are being and it sounds like you have been able to pick up on things like rage and victim talk, which can be so hard to do!! It also sounds like you are open to the feedback of others, which is another really positive thing.

Hoping for a better 2017 sounds great and I am hoping for an amazing year you! It sounds as though you have learnt some valuable skills in 2016 that you are carrying with you into 2017.

Your weekly disciplines sound good for the week and I love the reframing you have done with your perception of work. Looking forward to hearing how the week goes for you

Welcome back @Change123

Wow what a lovely thing to read, it sounds like the past couple of weeks have been full of insight and self-reflection, great job on all your hard work, that is something to be really proud of!

It is so helpful that you have learnt to really ground yourself in terms of not feeling panicked or overwhelmed by things at home and at work as well as when your partner is feeling down. By accepting that things are not personal, not your fault/responsibility and focusing on more positive thoughts which in turn make you feel more calm, that's wonderful.

Looking forward to talking soon!

Lunar 🙂

Hi @Former-Member@Former-Member@Appleblossom@Former-Member

I had a strange thing happen last night - somehow I triggered myself?

I went well at work yesterday and kept to my disciplines and when I got home I did as well. I have been thinking over the last few days about an earlier post I put up last year about empathy versus attention and then started thinking of my partner and how he must be feeling with his mother and how he couldnt talk to me about it.

So I thought I would do something that for some reason took a lot of courage to do and go to my partner and say "I know you dont want to discuss this situation at the moment and I dont want to get into a discussion about it but I wanted to let you now that I feel awful that you couldnt come to me and tell me what happened and I'm really sorry and that must have made you feel even more crappy!" My partner looked at me pleasantly confused so I figured I must have done the right thing ( which turned out I did as his mood changed a lot for the better after that".

But after I had done that I had this massive wave of shame, depression and very angry with myself which made me very irritable and then I crashed on the lounge and was extremely exhausted after that. I kept to myself and watched a movie so I wouldnt say anything that could sabotage the good work I did and then I was ok. Feel a bit anxiou though this morning and I dont understand why, I should be happy with myself.

My thoughts, have I been purposely shutting myself off from him so I dont feel his pain (true empathy) because I cant handle what I have done in the past and now that I'm trying to face it head on its just a bit overwhelming?

Strange or is this little girl findly growing up and handling things in an adult fashion and because thats strange to me its overwhelming?

Would appreciate any insights - thanks.

Tomorrow is a real challenge as we are going to see his sisters about the house etc and my partner has a real bad relationship with her due to how he was treated so it will be triggering for the both of us - I will definitely be working hard at my disciplines!