Flashbacks/Nightmares

I'm sorry you are going through all of this @BlueBay

No one can know unless they have been through it - I have had people burn out - but I don't think I am powerful enough to cause that - it happens -

Your story is your story and you don't ever change it to please other people - you have to be honest with yourself and any therapist you see

Perhaps we can see this because we have all suffered or are suffering all of this chaos ourselves -

But you are not a bad person - you have had terrible things happen in your life

I wish I had read this earlier - I have had bad back pain today and spent most of the day lying down with a hot pack - and I am sorry I didn't post earlier

People here really care about you -

Did you know that therapists have to go through therapy themselves before they can practise - they do confront their own demons

I'm sending my best wishes and my love

Decadian

And oh yes - you have been rejected by your family - this burn-out of your therapist must feel the same - but honestly - I don't think this has been caused by you -

Very well said @Former-Member!

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you so much for your reply. I know you have been struggling a lot lately and I feel for you so much. I understand so much of what you are saying.

I slept okay last night. Waking up this morning I have already water the vegie patch and did a load of washing. I might go for a walk later.

Still having these brain zaps. I will tell my psych on tuesday when i see him. I am still not sure about my next session with my therapist, but the trouble is i think i am still holding on to 'my therapist' for as long as possible. That is hurting me more I feel. Yes he is fantastic and i am so glad he has said i can still go every now and then to let him how i am going. he really does care.

@Former-Member

I slept okay. Thank you for supporting me last night. I was not in a good state of mind. It just kept escalating and i was spiralling down.

Still need to work on my anger and other emotions but i will once i get to see this new psychologist.

Thank you so much for your reply @Former-Member

I know you are doing it tough and I am thinking of you. Take it easy and i hope you have a lovely Sunday. xxxoo

Hi @Decadian

Don't be sorry for not replying earlier - it's all good.

I did manage to sleep okay last night, although i am still having these brain zaps.

Yes, because my parents abandoned me I feel the same with my therapist. But with him I do understand that he has burnout with regards to helping me. And he is referring me to someone else who has the appropriate experience. I just hope that i can gel with her.

You said to me in another post that you thought I was sexually abused - yes you are so right. And not once but three times by three different guys. That is why i have so much trouble with intimacy, trust etc.

I am really hoping that this new psychologist is able to help me so much that i can become a better person. But then i think - who is this 'better person' ; i don't even know myself.

How is your back @Decadian, sorry to read you have had trouble with it lately. Take it easy, rest up. thinking of you. xxxoo

Hi @Former-Member

I have had to read your post twice to absorb what you wrote!!! Yes I am going to write a list of things to talk to my psych on tuesday. that way i won't forget. No i don't know what the triggers are at the moment, but it's damn horrible. to be awoken by a horrible flashback of what happened in detail is emotionally draining and frightening.

I remember when i was about 18 I was always sick and no doctor could work out what was wrong. Until one day my mum decided to take me to royal melbourne hospital. there is was telling them how i felt sick in the stomach. the doctor kept asking me all these questions about my family life, my siblings. the next thing i was taken into a room where there were student psychologists. there i remember they asked questions (can't remember specific) and then when i was about to leave, the doctor had given me a referral to see a psychoolgoist. He never told my mum. When i walked out and gave me this referral she turned around and said to me 'oh no you don't need to see a psychologist' and never took me.

But i think that the doctors and psychs must have known something wasn't right with me mentally. But my mum being my mum decided that no i wasn't going to go anywhere. maybe she knew about my childhood abuse and didn't want it to come out.

I wish now i did go because i feel all of this would have come out then and i would be much better now.

Yeah abandonment is really tough, it hurts so so much. and no one gets it unless they suffer from this themselves.

I like your grounding technique, I have heard of it before, must try it next time 🙂

My therapist is going to write a letter to this new psychologist and he wants to still sujpport me until end of november.

thank you so much @Former-Member I know you care and i know you understand. xxxooo

Hi @BlueBay

I am sorry about your mother - I really get it - she knew what was happening and was afraid it would all be in her face if you saw someone - and at 18 - you could have gone anyway - I had to wait until I was 21 to be of legal age - and never knew I could take myself to a doctor about my grumbling appendix which ruptured during the operation - so that is most unfair. Perhaps you were still at school then and going to a psycholgist was out of reach for you - but your parents have owned houses - they could have helped - your mother sounds like a tryant

l started chatting with you in April - so I have been reading your story very closely for over 6 months now and I have noticed your insight growing all that time while you have been going through so much emotional anguish - changing therapists will be easier than you think this time - you will not have to go into so much detail - you can say there is more there you will go into as you go into sessions - and let time decide what will be the discussion each session - and plan what seems to be the most important thing before you go - write notes in your phone as you think of them;

You can learn to control your brain zaps but you are already a fine person - just because your have been physically and emotionally traumatised does not change you into a bad person - yes - you have anger issues - and this is like putting the cart before the horse - your anger will subside when you have worked through the issues of abuse and abandonment -

I still feel anger when I think of what my mother did to me - and more so when I think of what she did to my brother - but this anger does not express itself in outward anger or destructive anger - it is like the bush that burns but is not consumed - it is a good healthy anger at a very bad situation when I had no control - and it is okay to feel angry - but not to be angry - I have no need to be angry - it has all washed away with time and having the right people to talk with and learning to value myself more

So - all your feelings are okay - they are valid - that is - whatever they mean to you - that is how they are - but they are not the truth - they are not sound.Your feeling as based on what you recall - and in time they will still be there but you will learned more about yourself as life with therapy and understanding friends will help you and value you

And it is hard to value yourself when your mother didn't and doesn't

Sorry for being long-winded

Oh my back - it does not like the changes in barometric pressure at all - this is a nuisance - how I wish the weather would settle down - I guess you have strong wind where you are today -

All the best - and I am glad you are seeing a female psychologist - she will have a different insight being a different person anyway - but women understand women better

Dec

Thank you so much @Decadian

I wish I had a mother that loved me and cared for me. And I wish i had a father that was more supportive and stronger instead of letting my mum rule him too.

Yes you're right, females understand each other.

i hope your back settles down for you. Actually no wind here yet, it's actually sunny and warm. Maybe the wind will pick up later.

My hubby is sitting down all day to watch Bathurst, yes he is a mad car sport fan. I have just baked a banana cake and now making muffins. I really need to walk, but i will see later.

have a nice day @Decadian xxoo

wish these head zap thingy would go away. It's like a headache but i feel pulses every few minutes.