Flashbacks/Nightmares

Hi @Zahlia moderators and others on here

I still have a weird head pain, sort of like a zap pain in my head that comes and goes. Not sure if it's the meds. i did have a little nap late afternoon, and now i am knitting a baby blanket for a friend.

I really am angry at myself, my stupid stupid BPD that i have. god i hate it so much.

losing someone that you can talk to so easily is like losing someone very close to me; sort of like a family member.

i hate this, i hate it so much. i need to go. don'mt know about anything anymore.

Hi @BlueBay,

Thanks for keeping us updated on how you're going, even though tonight you're not feeling up to talking.

It sounds like you have got a really difficult internal struggle happening at the moment with your BPD. I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating that would be. It sounds like fighting it is leading to so much more negativity in yourself and self-hatred- as you said. Is there an alternative to the interal struggle?

Let us know if you do feel like a chat if you can't sleep later on, ok?

Wishing you a nice rest, with peaceful and positive thoughts.

@BlueBay it makes me so sad to hear you being so hard on yourself. The mixed emotions, the frustration, the hopelessness.. Is all completely understandable.

However, what you are saying about being a hopeless person though... I'm going to tell you what I told Teej only an hour or so ago.

There is no such thing as the perfect person.. The perfect client or therapy or therapist. We are all only human. We are ALL flawed! We make mistakes... We find things hard. It's in our nature.

When things get tough and we find it hard to cope.. it can come in waves. And all we can do is hold on until the storm passes using the tools at our disposal. Some people come really prepared with an entire lighthouse and giant oars and a flare to use when we are in trouble. But others just have a bucket and a leak in their boat.. When we feel like the latter, all we can do is keep bailing out the water with our bucket so we don't sink. Then when we are feeling more up to it.. We can start signalling others when we can. Maybe row forward a few meters. Have a break.

The point is that there is no right or wrong way to get through this, to get through life, to get through distress and panic. You just have to keep trying. And that is exactly what you are doing @BlueBay. So I think you're remarkable.

Then you sleep, if you can. Rest well if you can't.

Start fresh tomorrow. It's a new day.

Hi @BlueBay,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you are doing it tough too. As you just read I'm getting through now but I wanted to share with you a few things from my experiences. The brain zaps you are having are most likely from withdrawing from your medication. There are a few AD that do that when you come off. I had it with one. It really messes you around and will get worse as I thought going cold turkey was a good idea. It will physically and mentally mess with you. It is much better to come of with the recommendation and guidance from your doctor. It took me 5 AD until I found the right one but unfortunately it doesn't let me know I haven't taken it until it's too late. I didnt think that maybe they were helping my depression much but my therapist says she knows when I've missed a couple of doses. I am much worse.

Secondly I wanted to share that I went through something similar to you this time last year. I had overdosed quite chronically (ending up in ICU once) after two of my appointments with my psychologists with the last one being at her premises. I adored her but was just messed up. She cut complete contact with me there and then. I never got closure of any kind. I went into total grieving and was on suicide watch for a bit. I didn't eat or drink for 5 days and didn't leave my bed for 10 days. After a while I realised that I hadn't been trying enough either, that I hadn't been taking responsibility for me. It feels a bit like you're on that cusp too. It was the SANE forums that have helped me to take more responsibility for my behaviour and actions but as you can see I have such a long way to go still, perhaps in this transition you can try to see what you can do differently with your new psychologist. I totally understand that someone new will be so difficult but you have a chance to start again too. My new therapist and I made a pact that she would tell me if I wasn't listening or working hard enough. I couldn't go through losing another therapist and I had promised myself to work harder at getting better.

I think it's really good you have closure with your psychologist. After 5 years you have built a very close bond. He sounds like he is fabulous giving you this time so you are not left in limbo and have closure, the fact that he has left his door open for you to drop in is wonderful. I would have done anything today when I was at rock bottom to see my old psychologist. I am still struggling nearly a year on from that abandonment, she had promised me she wouldn't leave me. It did so much damage to me. I have a wonderful therapist now but she has had to work so hard at my paranoia that she will abandon me too. It still plays out a lot.

I know this would all be very heavy for you to take in now but at some stage I hope you will see that you have been given a second chance to help you recover. I am so very very grateful I have been too.

Take care @BlueBay, you deserve to feel better and live a happy life. Thinking of you and sending hugs💜🤗

hi @BlueBay

i havent been able to read through all of the posts on here, but ive read your first post. i dont know how to stop the flashbacks/memories/nightmares. and they haunt me every day. but i know that coming back from them and grouding is really important to be able to get away from their grasp. moving my body... stretching out my arms. i get very stiff and sore particularly at night from sinking down into myself. gah not sure how to make sense. ive tried to get into a routine of getting up at night.. i used to be so scared that i couldnt get up at night but not getting up and moving wasnt helping either. now if i get up and move it does shorten the length of time that the fear keeps me shut down. i try to do the grounding thing and then i use a smiling mind meditation for a bit. its not been any sort of a ... cure... but it helps me to get through the night incidents. the day stuff is sometimes harder/sometimes easier because theres more distractions.. kids needs are imemdiate and i have to respond to them so my brain moves on a bit quicker maybe. i have no idea if any of this makes sense. sorry.

lj