Flashbacks/Nightmares

Thanks @Kurra for the hugs. Yeah it is horrible, very mentally draining. I get scared and I don't know why these flashbacks are happening at the moment.

Think I will need to bring this up with my psychiatrist next week.

Hi @BlueBay

I was physically abused by my mother - some of it stayed in my memory clearly - but something was buried in repressed memories - I knew there was something there but I couldn't remember what it was until my mother died

So it is a very new memory -and it explains some of the nightmares I had when I was a cihild when I was running away from my parents wondering why they wanted me when I could not come up to their standards

However - now I have the reason for all of this I still can't write about it - and I find it hard to talk to anyone about it - and this feels devastating - the memory comes in flashbacks when I am awake and I wonder if they will ever stop

I can say the dreams I had which I could never remember properly were far worse -

I don't know what to suggest though -except that now you are having therapy and going through all of this is bringing your memories to the surface -

It seems that the events in your life are connected - I take it you were sexually abused by these men - and that is the most horrible thing to have happened - and because of this your parents miust have found this too hard for them to cope with (whatever the reason you mother has treated you this way - more shame her) and it also explains your problems with intimacy and other trust issues

You need to talk about this with your psychiatrist - it's like an abscess inside you that has to come out - it will take time and it won't be easy

And this is terribly hard - I know that

Decadian

I don't know if I can do this anymore - go through another new therapist.

I am emotional after today's session, leaving. But now I have another appt with him in 2 weeks time. What's the point? Why bother?

He told me today that he was 'burnt out' - yeah prob because of me and my stupid BPD behaviour and traits. I so hate myself right now.

I am going downhill, it's just no good anymore.

Hi @BlueBay

I'm so sorry to hear what happened this morning with your therapist 😞
What an emotionally draining day for you. Do you want to see him again in 2 weeks time?
Remember therapists see multiple clients, and put countless hours into their working day, so he is probably 'burnt out' from an overload of work.

How are you doing at the moment? If you are going downhill, remember you can contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or another crisis support service.

Zahlia

Hi @Zahlia

That's the trouble - i don't know if i want to go and see him in a fortnight. I know he wants to still see me until i see this new psychologist - but that means the longer i see him the harder it will be at the very final session.

I know he does see other clients and is probably 'burnt out' - and i blame myself for a lot of this. I have attached myself to him for such a long time, being one of the BPD traits i struggle to detach myself. Now i have to start all over again.

I am drained totally, physically but more mentally. I think i will just sit on my own for a while at home.

Hi @BlueBay

Yeah that's the hard decision- whether to go back and keep being faced with all these emotions.
It must be so hard having to start all over with someone new ... But you never know, you may really connect with this new therapist 🙂

What will you do for a bit of self-care today? Something that doesn't require any attention or focus, because I'm sure your all out of that today

Zahlia

I don't know @Zahlia

I feel like I don't care anymore about anything.

I think i might sleep for a while.

but then it's such a nice day here i should be outside in the sun, or even going for a wlak - but that's not going to happen.

Have a rest @BlueBay, it might make you feel a bit better afterwards. Don't worry if you don't get outside, you need to make yourself feel better first. Let us know how you feel when you wake