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messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor07 July 2016, 3:00 am AEST

messed up, can't escape

Hi, i have nobody i can really talk to, and hoping SOMEONE here might listen, help me sort it out.

Don't know what to do. Keep pretending everything is ok. but its not. Sometime i walk across the road from work for lunch, sit in the park but even there my mind messes with me and i drift reverse into an invisible tunnel and to world suddenly seems 100 miles away at the end of the tunnel so small. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my mind.

I am on contract in the outback,! nursing. I HATE myself for it but gor seduced by a much older married man, his wife gave me permission as they have this thing called an open marriage but its messing with my head. When i tell him i don't want to see him anymore he comes in as a patient requesting to see me. Or he'll turn up at church. I'm locked in this 12month contract in the middle of nowhere & so lonely & too ashamed to try tell a soul. And can't understand how i could defile myself with gum.

Work is stressful. Neurotic boss who hid e's s in her room. We live in the clinic, us 3 RNs. I put drips in, transport emergencies, suture wounds, take blood etc No dr in town. We talk with the flying doctor who comes to do a clinic once a fortnight.

I don't want to lose my job but i don't want to crack. Wish i could just fly away.

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In response to: messed up, can't escape

SaharaSenior Contributor18 Nov 2016, 8:13 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @mandy84,

I'm so glad you have written again, I aways wondered what happened to you! I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage, it must be so hard for you... I feel like you don't have an understanding person in your life that you can talk to about what has happened.

Your Mum sounds very harsh. Your sister may be more understanding but you don't feel comfortable in confiding in her. As for your friends.... they sound immature...

There is a health service especially for nurses that deals with mental health issues- www.nmhp.org.au

They are called the Nursing and Midwifery Health Program. My friend had free counselling with this service and she found them to be excellent. They are in Melbourne, but they can do phone counselling. I think it would be good if you could talk to someone and get everything off your chest... it's too lonely trying to deal with everything by yourself.

I don't know about going on a business trip with the older guy.... perhaps you could just address your issues with him over the phone? I personally feel that he will only take advantage of your vulnerability if you spend time with him. The fact that you are somewhat isolated as far as having no-one else to confide in makes you very vulnerable to his influence.

Please write again and let us know how you are doing.

In response to: messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor19 Nov 2016, 11:26 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi everyone, thank you for your heartfelt replies. I've been so sad, crying over the smallest of things. Maybe my hormones are out of wack after the miscarriage.

I know you'll.be disappointed I went with him on this 'business trip' I couldn't not. He just turned up at the door (don't know how he found me) and he was persuasive and hugged me and I so need someone to talk to. We're in Adelaide, we came via the outback town town where he made a point of getting me to see key people he said were concerned for me. His open marriage wife was all smiles. I realise tonight it was all for show I think. Part of his deception perhaps, I don't know, is he that calculating?

He's asleep, if he's not driving he's sleeping. So much for being able to talk - he tells me driving long distance is taxing on him and he can't talk. Nearly drove me mad the silence that far.

While he was in a business meeting I called in to talk to a Church Official but dodged the real issue of 'him' and feeling trapped. I just couldn't, Luke I was gagged. He probably thought I was nuts.

Tomorrow we drive to Melbourne, then back to Sydney, at least the scenery is lovely, but inside I just want to burst. This year is killing me and even though he's just here, next to me, i'm quietly crying and feel so alone.

I don't know, this is not working, nothing is anymore, but so hope youre wrong about him. I have nobody else.

In response to: messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor19 Nov 2016, 11:56 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Just looked at another thread about Christmas. Bad enough at my sisters with baby stuff everywhere let alone Christmas decorations and 'happy families' How can I enjoy chrisas with a family who couldn't care less if I was around, I just lost my 2nd pregnancy, the father is not really in my life, I quit my dream job for the pregnancy I lost, my friends (all church friends) knowing theyd be be like the few I've told and shun me for getting pregnant unwed. So not telling anyone else there. And my dad would be so disappointed. I've let God down too, and myself. I never knew I was capable of this. What a mess 😞

In response to: messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor19 Nov 2016, 11:58 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Oh, I've just been changed from a casual to a senior contributor. Very weird, still feel lost.

In response to: messed up, can't escape

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor20 Nov 2016, 12:10 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

It is a mess @mandy84, but one you can work your way back out of ....

You have had enough church teaching to know that these friends should not be judging you. What you succumbed to was outside the tenets of the faith, but so is lack of compassion and preparedness to help someone get back up onto their feet.

Please try again with another counsellor, and another one, until you are heard and supported. Another job can come along. There are people who will believe in and support you .... but the strange reality, without integrity, that this man and his open-marriage wife are living will only hurt you more the longer you stay in it.

Pray for the right path to open ahead of you, and I will be praying for you too.

It's a heavy situation you are carrying. You are going to have to be gentle with yourself, and careful, but if you keep looking for the right way, it will find you.

💗

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

DecadianSenior Contributor20 Nov 2016, 12:31 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope

I wanted to say the same or something similar

@mandy84

You got pregnant out of wedlock and your so-called church friends are shunning you - not good at all

If I was there I would gather some stones and insist that anyone who had never made a mistake should cast a stone - the first stone - at me - okay - because you don't deserve it -

Boy - shunning you for getting pregnant and then calling themselves Christians - that is so bad

Nah - we won't be disappointed with what you do and don't do - we would be sorry for your sake - but then - you are the one who is stuck here - and no one gets condemned for being stuck

I am so sorry - my suggestion is to bail while you are in Melbourne and try and get some help here - I will look up something on the internet - so I hope to get back in a few minutes

Decadian

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

DecadianSenior Contributor20 Nov 2016, 12:38 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi Mandy - I'm back

I looked some a place called Action Centre that I contacted when my daughter was a teen and getting into a bit of strife after her brother died - but now it seems to be for family planning so I guess that's not what you are wanting right now

I only mention this because I suggested it to you previously

But if you need assistance you are more likely to find it in a big city like Melbourne or Sydney. One of the moderators might know where you could go -

You could ring LIfe Line from anywhere for help - they have resources on their computers - their phone number all over Australia is 13 11 14 - and there is help for women who are in bad relationships - and silence is a form of abuse - and you don't need that

We won't be disappointed if you are not ready to bail yet - maybe you can find something on the internet yourself and prepare to leave -

You deserve better

Decadian

In response to: messed up, can't escape

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor20 Nov 2016, 12:48 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Couldn't have said it better myself @Decadian ....

@mandy84 you will find that nobody here is judging you, and nobody expects you to be able to step out onto thin air from the position you are currently in .... just make enquirers and arrangements for yourself when and as you can, and you will work out what to do.

We are all here to listen and support you, and the moderators can offer suggestions for services too.

Just keep swimming ..... 🐠💗💕

In response to: messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor20 Nov 2016, 1:50 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Wow, thank you for being so kind. I am fearful of rejection since the church elder I was staying with when I miscarried didn't want me to stay and sent me on my way the day after the curettage. I was so tired fro anesthetic and ble_ding and wasn't sure I'd make the 4hr drive back to Sydney so soon. I was shocked they were so cruel but also felt I deserved it (like childhood). What I'm trying to say is I'm not gonna risk being that hurt again so maybe my old Sydney church friends wouldn't judge me the same but don't want to go there. Just staying away from them all. I did ring a church counsellor I knew before but she was booked out (couldn't tell her details over the phone). Its invaluable that I have this space to talk and so far you're not judging. And he doesn't have to know (snoring beside me), nor dies he ask. I am cross with him that he won't talk much. What's that about. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks

In response to: messed up, can't escape

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor20 Nov 2016, 2:32 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Take care of you @mandy84 ....

That guy is all about himself, and will do or say anything that supports his own desires. That's what grooming is ... and you have been groomed, my girl ...

Just play along with it for the moment, but your heart is already telling you that he is not engaging with you properly. How can he ? He is married, and still very much involved with his wife, despite what he is up to with you. Work out your escape plan from where you are, and when you feel able to, jump ship.

@NikNik @ CherryBomb what is the name of the women's support service in Sydney ? Is it called WIRE ?

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