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messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor07 July 2016, 3:00 am AEST

messed up, can't escape

Hi, i have nobody i can really talk to, and hoping SOMEONE here might listen, help me sort it out.

Don't know what to do. Keep pretending everything is ok. but its not. Sometime i walk across the road from work for lunch, sit in the park but even there my mind messes with me and i drift reverse into an invisible tunnel and to world suddenly seems 100 miles away at the end of the tunnel so small. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my mind.

I am on contract in the outback,! nursing. I HATE myself for it but gor seduced by a much older married man, his wife gave me permission as they have this thing called an open marriage but its messing with my head. When i tell him i don't want to see him anymore he comes in as a patient requesting to see me. Or he'll turn up at church. I'm locked in this 12month contract in the middle of nowhere & so lonely & too ashamed to try tell a soul. And can't understand how i could defile myself with gum.

Work is stressful. Neurotic boss who hid e's s in her room. We live in the clinic, us 3 RNs. I put drips in, transport emergencies, suture wounds, take blood etc No dr in town. We talk with the flying doctor who comes to do a clinic once a fortnight.

I don't want to lose my job but i don't want to crack. Wish i could just fly away.

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In response to: messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor02 Aug 2017, 1:39 am AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @Sahara, sorry I've been away from forums too. I felt offended you seem to judge me above (re married man) but just reading again, you mean well. He certainly is persistent. Just when I think I'm getting a grip on life he comes and throws me off balance. Never had much affection as a child, or ever for that matter, and I'm lonely, and kinda under a spell. He studied NLP heavily apparently, could he be using some of those strategies on me? I don't know. At the moment he's s aged away few months.

Study, hmm, I'm not doing well, concentration and computer compatibility issues, software. And tutor support is barely existant. I do t know of I'll finish.

I've been self harming a bit. where it can't be seen, amazes me I can't feel it. Do you think that's a problem? Think my psychologist would be disappointed if I tell her.

Nobody visits me in my tiny granny flat here.

There's a brick wall at the local park I takny tennis racket to and hit a few balls. Really notice the weight gain with this last antidepressant. Also, there's a lovely brook, creek bed amungst trees across the road. Beautiful gentle running water. Love that sound.

Trying to catch up on posts, find out what some of you are doing, but its impossible I think.

Thanks saneforumland for being here 🙂

In response to: messed up, can't escape

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor02 Aug 2017, 9:05 am AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @mandy84 ...... 💜💕

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

SaharaSenior Contributor02 Aug 2017, 5:31 pm AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

@mandy84,

believe me I did not intend to judge you! I simply meant that you deserve to meet a nice single man who can give you all the love that you want and need. If anything, I am judging him and his motives as I believe he is manipulative.

In an ideal world, we would all only meet single people who are ready and available to commence a respectful relationship. That is all I meant.

You, yourself, are single, intelligent, sensitive and a beautiful, kind caring soul. It would be good if you could meet someone similar to you and around your own age. I mean, of course, that it would be good for you. As for me, I don't mind and have no vested interest. I am not religious, nor much of a moralist, either.

I simply thought of your future happiness and well-being.

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