messed up, can't escape

I'm so sorry @mandy84. I didn't mean to upset you. Do you have a psychologist or anyone to talk to about this? I understand if you need to go.

PS @mandy84. I know what that internal conflict is like more than many. It ate me alive and I needed so much professional help to come to terms with it. A different situation but just as destabilising as yours. I don't really know what else to say but just to hold on to hope that it will get better. 😊💜

Hi @mandy84, yours is a tricky situation. You might find more immediate assistance by ringing Lifeline crisis support. The number there is: 13 11 14. It may take some of us here a little while to get our heads around your situation but we will get back to you as well. Take care tonight and remember to breathe deeply to avoid panic. You can sort this out with a little time. Sending strength.

Hi @mandy84,

I hope by now you may have been able to phone Lifeline or that a moderator from this forum has contacted you by private email. Just to let you know that all of the members and community guides like myself who post publicly to this forum are struggling with mental health issues ourselves and have no training in mental health support. We just do our best to help each other as best we can in our ongoing struggles day to day.

Having said that, I understand how scared and entrapped you may be feeling just now. It would seem to me that you may need to pluck up the courage to talk to someone in real life about your situation. I know that at the moment that may feel impossible to you, but I believe you will feel relieved when you do that, less alone and less afraid.

For example, you may wish to speak privately with the minister of your church. Ministers are usually experienced in dealing with a wide range of life issues. They are likely to have encountered many strange stories in their time. We humans are very prone to mistakes. Ministers are usually experienced at handling these things compassionately. I would also suggest that you phone home to someone you trust to find advice and support from that end as well. The bottom line from my point of view is that you would be better off with as much real life support as possible in this situation, even if it feels shameful at present to have to admit to your mistake.

As it happens, I had personal experience myself of a threesome situation many years ago that felt right at the time but which I later came to have strange feelings about. These things are not as unusual as you might imagine.

The real problem in your situation appears to be that this man is underhandedly stalking you. It seems to me that you have the right to even contact police if he does not leave you alone after being advised that you wish to have no further contact with him.

Wishing you the very best. Hope to hear more from you tomorrow or when you next get the chance to write back to us here about how you are going. As we are not a crisis support service, we may not be able to respond immediately. But you are likely to get some response before too long.

Hi @mandy84

So glad you opened up here, and especially about the married man .....

As messed up as you are feeling right now, I hope we can help you find some perspective here .... and certainly you will find nothing but empathy amongst us .....

I hope I am not trespassing here to break things down a little .... and I am a woman of faith .... I hear you with the feelings of guilt, and I hope what I am abut to say helps you put this to one side ..... 🌷

First of all, you acknowledge that you have trashed a personal boundary .... but it's happened .... remember the woman at the well (Bible story) ? She had had five husbands and the man she was with at the time was not her husband ..... that didn't stop her from not only following her new-found faith, but she went on to be an early evangelist in the church. We even know her name from early church records - St Photini .... 💒

We make mistakes, and we learn from them .... as humiliating as this may feel in this moment, it will pass, and you will be stronger for it ..... this is allowed for within your faith .... 🌷

The married man ? He's a predator .... he abused your very obvious trust in him and took advantage of you. You fell into it for exactly the reason you stated .... you were seduced .... feeling vulnerable, turning to someone you felt you could trust, and he not only took full advantage of you, which mean he manipulated your confused emotions, but he did it with the full knowledge of his wife, who in that regard has done the same thing ... betrayed your trust. That's not okay. It's the fact that they are operating from a leadership position in a church, espousing something that they are violating in private ..... not okay in anyone's faith, tradition, culture, language ... !!

I am guessing this is a little game they play, particularly with newcomers to town .... I have lived many long years in the outback .... people use the isolation as an excuse to behave badly, and if that couple have been there a long time, I would say they have disregarded moral boundaries long ago, but posture within that church community because it serves them to do so. They think they are getting away with it, but it will come back around to bite them eventually. They are operating on borrowed time !

The sense of guilt is immobilising you and affecting your clear judgement .... acknowledging what you have done wrong is enough for now .... rise above it .... and consider yourself forgiven. And be strong enough to not do it again, now that you can see this pair for what they are. It's despicable .... and a pattern. Not for you, however. For you it was a mis-step in a moment of weakness. It's allowed for .... 🌷

You are a good nurse, but a human one, not a robot .... you are allowed to have human emotions, and to cry when you need to ..... just be as professional as you can about managing it .... the same as every other nurse in the profession - before you, with you, after you .... and there wouldn't be a nurse on the face of the earth who hasn't made mistakes, including life-threatening ones .... but the number of lives they rescue, the number they save, will always far outweigh any mistakes ..... put aside the guilt and just accept that about yourself .... you hurt, you cry .... like the rest of us. It's allowed for ...🌷

How to function within that dupysfunctional community ? Now that's the toughest one ... but you can do it .... find little ways to keep your dream alive .... to deal in the positive .... hour by hour every day. Smile at people. Be kind. Be everything you know how to be that that community needs. Find healing in your music. It's a gift. Share it. Be icily polite to those who have harmed you - not a stitch more - and with icy politeness block their influence in your life as best you can ..... take faith lessons from online material .... rise above .... leave them where you found them for life-lessons to come back and deal with them in God's own time .... and shine your light for all you are worth .... 🌷

Lighting a candle for you here .... and I won't be the only one, I'm sure .... walk with us ... we're here for you !

🌷💗💕

hey @mandy84 I know how you must feel, it's an awful situation to be in, but you must not get caught up in blaming yourself If it was me I would resign from my job. and get the hell out of there. remember he has clearly taken advantage of you when you were down (scum bag) find anyway of getting out of there and find some help. Big hugs sweetheart.

Definitely, if you can quit and leave @mandy84, that would be your best option ,,..

It gets you out of reach of that awful man, protecting your personal boundaries from his on-going unwanted attention.

It also states to them just how unwelcome the situation is with you, very, very clearly.

It will likely leave question marks over what would have made you want to leave .... especially if - or rather when - what this couple is doing starts to surface - truth doesn't stay hidden indefinitely. It will be clear that you were decisive in removing yourself from their influence, and it displays integrity in the face of having succumbed to a bad decision.

It removes you from the untenable situation of having to listen to an imposter deliver contradictory sermons, and the impasse of having a love for music that you struggle to engage in within the dysfunction of this church community. All of that will be making your stomach churn, and with time will make you physically and emotionally ill .....

If you can cut your losses .... definitely leave .... find somewhere supportive to your healing and future well-being.

🌷💗💕

Hi @mandy84,

I have been considering if and how to respond to this and the situation from last night. I have decided that I really wanted you to know I didn't judge you in any shape or form but rather had empathy for you. I called for help last night when I realised that you were needing more help than I could give and I was worried for you and felt you deserved better than what I had offered. I hope you are ok after what must have been a really tough night. Please take care, thinking of you😊💜

PS I really hope you can find some help because I think your situation is so complex you need to find someone you can trust to explore all your options but most importantly someone look out for your mental health and well being. 💐😊💜

Wait, I'm confused. Is this troublesome man the minister, as @Faith-and-Hope has suggested? I didn't get that impression from the earlier posts. Maybe you could clear that up, @mandy84? That would certainly make things a lot worse and more difficult (and would also mean that my comments about consulting the minister should obviously be disregarded). I also agree with @hope77 that my actual first impulse would be to find a way to pack up and leave and find another job elsewhere altogether. In any case, I think you can see that there is a lot of support here for you should you wish to talk more about it, @mandy84. Kindest wishes.

Hi @Mazarita

@mandy84 mentioned that this guy is an "upstanding" member of the church community and an elder in the church (committee member, pastoral care-giver, church leader .... you get the picture) and part of that role in this type of church means he gets to deliver sermons too, at times ....

I think that is all in the modified post she re-posted this morning, but yes, it's just as bad as if he were a minister, when you see his psych qualifications and realise he is also a local high school teacher .... I don't have words for how despicable that is .... and @mandy84 was obviously seeking solace and wisdom from a father-figure in him .... in a very vulnerable state ....

Everyone makes mistakes @mandy84, but this open-marriage thing these people are operating from a false church-leader-upstanding-community-member-front means their fault both of them) was by design, not a mistake ....

If what they are doing is okay, why aren't they living openly like that ? Doesn't even need answering !

I have friends who lost their home and life savings to a real-estate scam. Over-extending is one thing .... being deliberately scammed by a self-serving agenda that doesn't mind who it harms in the process is something very different .... and outrageous ....

This church elder is in the same category - it's a moral scam.