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messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor07 July 2016, 3:00 am AEST

messed up, can't escape

Hi, i have nobody i can really talk to, and hoping SOMEONE here might listen, help me sort it out.

Don't know what to do. Keep pretending everything is ok. but its not. Sometime i walk across the road from work for lunch, sit in the park but even there my mind messes with me and i drift reverse into an invisible tunnel and to world suddenly seems 100 miles away at the end of the tunnel so small. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my mind.

I am on contract in the outback,! nursing. I HATE myself for it but gor seduced by a much older married man, his wife gave me permission as they have this thing called an open marriage but its messing with my head. When i tell him i don't want to see him anymore he comes in as a patient requesting to see me. Or he'll turn up at church. I'm locked in this 12month contract in the middle of nowhere & so lonely & too ashamed to try tell a soul. And can't understand how i could defile myself with gum.

Work is stressful. Neurotic boss who hid e's s in her room. We live in the clinic, us 3 RNs. I put drips in, transport emergencies, suture wounds, take blood etc No dr in town. We talk with the flying doctor who comes to do a clinic once a fortnight.

I don't want to lose my job but i don't want to crack. Wish i could just fly away.

173 replies

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In response to: messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 8:21 pm AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi Sahara, Tawney, Decadian, Mazarita, Shaz51, thank you for all your kind messages and sorry I have been away so long. Moved back in house where I was renting a room but without proper support went completely under and spent a couple months in a big psych hospital, diagnosed with Major Depression & Anxiety and put on antidepressants. Met the best Psychologist who talk with me every day and still sees me once a fortnight. I feel broken but better. Just got online access back so trying to find other stories here that match mine and how people move fwd but so far nobody seems as bad as me. I even have scars now from self harming - its embarrassing. I don't know who I am anymore. Lost everything. Trying to build up from scratch.

Have to go now, my night medication really knocks me out.

Good Night ❤

In response to: messed up, can't escape

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 8:30 pm AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Good night @mandy84 ..... ❤️

There are many others here with your story Hon .... and with plenty of advice and compassion for you.

💐

In response to: messed up, can't escape

KurraSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 8:54 pm AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hugzzz @mandy84. Sleep well. 💕💜💕

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

Shaz51Senior Contributor07 Apr 2017, 3:13 pm AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hello @mandy84

my Husband was diagnosed with Clinical Depression -- Major Depressive disorder and inherited depression

he has been through soo much in his life , lots of different meds , it was not until his last visit in the hospital that he was put on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds , this has made a difference

he still has ups and downs everyday

how are you today

Hello @Faith-and-Hope, @Kurra, @Sahara, @Chattabox, @Former-Member

In response to: messed up, can't escape

utopiaSenior Contributor07 Apr 2017, 7:33 pm AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

@mandy84. Hello. I'm so glad that you found such a caring psychologist. It's so important to have one who you are comfortable with and can open up to.
There are some posts related to SH & trying to accept your scars. They may be worth reading.
I hope to see you around in other threads.

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

OwlunarSenior Contributor08 Apr 2017, 1:01 pm AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @mandy84

It's good to hear from you again - I didn't know you were in hospital and in a huge way - I am sorry you had to go through all of that but it seems to have helped a lot

So that is a good thing

Life without decent and good support is really hard - I have been through that and it's torture for sure

It's great to have you back

Dec

In response to: messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor13 Apr 2017, 11:56 pm AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @Faith-and-Hope, thank you 🙂 Still looking.

Kurra, yes I did sleep well. Do you have depression? Or understand what's happening to me?

Hi Shaz51, thanks for telling me about your Husbands Clinical Depression and anxiety and that hospital and medication has helped. Does he have self harm scars or attempted suicide? Does he feel embarrassed about what he's done? Its good that you stay with him, I'm thinking nobody will ever want to marry me now.

Hi utopia, yes, I'm glad my psychologist has been good, but still get really angry after sessions which I don't understand.
I took your advise and did poke around in other threads looking for information on coping with scars and parasuicide. Havent found much yet but had good look everywhere tonight. Do you know Which section would be good to go looking for this. Its the shame that I can't live with. Ive lost everything.

Hi Dec, thank you too for post to me. Yes, hospital has helped I guess, but I'm sad, or maybe numb, or maybe its the pills, don't know. Life without decent support (family) sure is really hard. Sounds like you understand.

In response to: messed up, can't escape

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Apr 2017, 1:09 am AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

@mandy84. I'll have a look tomorrow for those posts and let you know.
I hope you have a good day tomorrow.

In response to: messed up, can't escape

KurraSenior Contributor14 Apr 2017, 7:43 am AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @mandy84
I have bipolar so I'm very familiar with depression and how extremely severe it can become. Recovery is a slower process than many people realise because of the subsyndromal symptoms. This is where you don't meet any of the criteria for major depression but you don't feel too flash either.

Dealing with the shame about scars for me was about understanding the part they played in my history. Just as history is about the past so too are those scars. They tell part of the story. Shame ultimately became acceptance and if anyone asks what happened I just mention that I was very ill at the time and prefer not to talk about it.

Hoping Good Friday is a good day for you.
Luv n Hugzzz 💕

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

Shaz51Senior Contributor14 Apr 2017, 10:03 am AEST

Re: messed up, can't escape

Good morning @mandy84 xx

You wrote -- Hi Shaz51, thanks for telling me about your Husbands Clinical Depression and anxiety and that hospital and medication has helped. Does he have self harm scars or attempted suicide? Does he feel embarrassed about what he's done? Its good that you stay with him, I'm thinking nobody will ever want to marry me now.

Does he have self harm scars or attempted suicide?-- yes he has attempted suicide a couple of times before we were married , I am his second wife and we have been married 10 years now and I have 4 step children who are all adults now

The self harms scars he has , he has covered them up with tattoos ,

I'm thinking nobody will ever want to marry me now., @mandy84, how old are you ?? and Never say Ever my friend

my hubby never thought he would never get married again with his life background and tattoos ,but then we met

For me I never thought i would get married and I did at 42years old -- oops now you know how old I am -

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