messed up, can't escape

Hello @mandy84

I have recently been discharged from a private mental hospital. On discharge my psychiatrist updated my diagnosis to Chronic clinical depression and anxiety. That is where my diagnosis stays. That is a box that the medical world as it is now chooses to fit me in. I have never fitted in anything to date and know also that i do not fit in that box.

I have been in hospital before and even though diagnosis sounds the pits I am actually in a better place now than previous times when discharged.

My situation has been exacerbated by several life circumstances out of my control. Hence I was advised by my psychiatrist, my psychologist and my support worker to take time out and allow myself to be cared for.

I was able to determine that hospital could no longer help me. It was time for me to leave, return home, rest yes rest as silly as that sounds, before taking on life again.

It was explained to me that if you have major surgery, once out of hospital there is a rehabilitation period of at least 3 months. My psychiatrist said that after a long period in a mental hospital, perhaps medication change, the rehabilitation period is no different.

We have basically been in a cocoon and need to gently re-enter the world. I refer to it as the mad world. A world of many individuals rushing here there and everywhere. some weird and wonderful others not. life.

For me, I have been out, flown the coop, 2 weeks now and still feel as though I dont fit in anywhere. Even to the extent of not fitting in on here.

The mind is very powerful.

Everyone's diagnosis is different, everyone's life experiences are different, everyone is different, unique. Therefore do not compare yourself to others. This I can say with wisdom that I have discovered over my many years of experiences. I do appreciate that you have had a horrid time. No one experience can be measured against another's. The experience for the individual is intense.

Some people fall into the trap of letting their illness/illnesses envelop them, become all consuming and they feel that they have to live within them. Some even believe that their experience is far worse than anyone else's and have a constant need for attention and reassurance. This also could be part of their personality not just their illness.

Whatever the reasons for your being in hospital, whatever your reactions were, these can be discussed with your specialist and left there. Those are deep intricacies of how you were feeling at the time and are best not compared to other's experiences. You certainly might find some relief in reading fact sheets on this website and experiences of others. However that is only to provide some realisation that you are not alone. That is not the path to recovery. You, yourself are that path; your questions, research, delicate self awareness,opening up to your specialist.

You have an opportunity to take this healing time, be kind and gentle to yourself, listen to the advice of your specialist if you trust and feel safe with that person.

The answers are within you as mystical as that sounds. Believe in you. The people in your life who have caused you harm do not matter. You can ban them. They are toxic. You do not have to carry their memory for the rest of your life. Seems difficult at the moment. As you become stronger this will make sense.

I have lived through some horrid stuff at the hands of others. I have survived and now realise that those experiences do not label me. They are what they are, experiences not part of who I am.

I am currently working on living in the now, each moment. I am working at not allowing my mind to travel backwards or forwards, trying to keep it focussed on the now.

I do apologise for the lengthy response. This is who I am though. I am an empath. I am passionate about helping genuine people who are hurting. This is why I have responded to you.

Please practise believing in you without the illness. You are your feelings, your passion, your likes, your dislikes, your dreams, your love, your soul.

You will find you if you are patient, dont push yourself too hard, be gentle and kind. you will emerge without even realising. you will find you in the smile from another, a thank you, a laugh. you will.

In the meantime, when you feel able, walk along the meandering paths of stories from others; even on the carer's side to get a different perspective. Vent on here. There are many supportive people here.

You are safe here.

take care special lady xx

Ohhh @Former-Member,

That was soo encourging , wornderful words of advice my awesome friend

a lot you have written here , I am learning more and more about my husband which sounds soo similar to yours

thank you for your messages xx

What do you think @mandy84, @Kurra, @utopia, @Owlunar, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member

hello @Shaz51 @Former-Member

thank you both so much for taking the time to respond.

Your words mean a lot.

Yes I am fragile, in between hospital, home and life is still going on.

I actually came very close to deleting the post. I was thinking oh dear another lengthy saga.

I was actually comparing myself, the very trap that I was emphasising how important not to fall into. So I stopped comparing myself and posted.

You help Mr Shaz probably much more than you realise Shaz just by being you.

Sounds as though you too also know about crashing through the waves Lisajane. Thankyou.

Hi @mandy84

Yes - I do know what it's like not to have family support - I went through the darkest years of my life without any - my dd was very young and my ex-h not helpful - he was an introspective man who could not respond to emergencies and he was lazy too - and my family of origin wrote me off for years until Dad had enough drama and wanted me back in the family - and really only have vague ideas of what went on

It's not fun but okay to be sad - people don't want to be sad - that's true - and I don't either - but at least it's valid - I get sad around Easter because my son went into prison after Easter years ago now - a long time ago - and although Easter is on a different date each year I do have the memories of the past Easter return - I wish they did not but it is my story and I will not deny that

Being numb - yes - the medication can cause that - if they were happy pills maybe they would be useful but I have had medication that took the world away - I had medical help getting off those tablets -

And as dark the shadows and as bright as the light - I like my life better -

I wish the best for you

Dec

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@mandy84 wrote:
Thank you all. Yes Mohill, it is a beautiful post from the heart, thank you. I hope I don't become 'chronic' - maybe with that label its more about self acceptance, not that they're right, just that current medical treatments have been exhausted, maybe. I've already shifted to non medical helps for depression, try somehow to work with both, but I'm only 27 so maybe... My mother has always been ill - saw schizophrenia on an old medical report of hers but she says they got it wrong and snatched it off me - sure would explain a lot. All my siblings struggle.

Haven't got much ph online credit left so will have to come back another day. Just wanted that thank you all for being kind. Sure don't feel like I deserve it. Will reread your posts again firsts, brains fuzzy today ☕

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hello @mandy84

dont worry about the chronic (medical term relating to length of time) I handle my illness well usually, just have had a few too many setbacks in a short period of time. I do not relate to the labels at all.

I use mindfulness, grounding and meditation. Walking and tuning into nature is my most favourite and is what suits me. again we are all different.

sounds as though growing up was very difficult for you all. as would a diagnosis of schizophrenia for your mother in that decade. stigma is such a nasty thing.

i havent read back over your posts so wont comment on your family.

wishing you peace within your turmoil xxx

Thank you Mohill, appreciate your wise words. Hope you are going ok? Life can be so full of crap, some days anyway.

I'm taking a big step this week, enrolled for study. Not sure if I'm ready to maintain a focus and commitment to something but my psychologist is encouraging me to do this Business Cert-111 certificate. Mostly online but I'm popping into TAFE once a week for help, especially with the I.T. side of things, really struggling with that. Not so much computers but the software comparability and TAFE systems. Frustrating. Be different to pressures of nursing and big hospitals, fast pace and sick people (I hope).

Trouble at home with that man, the x visiting, with his smoothe talk. It sucks me in, its like I have no defenses to him. Why can't I get angry with him. He's still 'unavailable' but doesn't act like it. I don't know why I opened the door to him its like he's got me under a spell. Feel so confused when he leaves. Did I tell you he even came to the hospital, made out with me behind the building - standing up. Who does that?! How come there's no boundaries even when I am a psychiatric inpatient? Is that rape? I was certainly in no position to know what I was doing there. But i'm trying to get stronger.

And did I tell you...

No, gotta stop the negatives. Just wanted to say thanks...

hello @mandy84

the thank you card was beautiful

studying is a great idea; learning we must never stop and is a distraction from ourselves which I know I definitely need. I do my head in some of the time so how others must feel!

As for this man, his spells; with that I can relate, possibly. He sounds as though he is a manipulator who wants to keep you at arms length. When he feels that you might be slipping away from him, as in controlling your own life, he reappears in your life and tries to reconnect.

These types of people are very toxic and very dangerous

It does sound as though you are starting to see him differently which is very healthy for you.

Bottom line he is very bad news. He cannot be trusted. He does not care who he hurts.

You dont need him, seriously, you dont. Keep telling yourself that. You are far more worthy and are entitled to respect, dignity. You also have a right to safety.

Close that door on him and leave it firmly shut, bonus if he is standing there when the door slams.

If he does not get the message, report him to the police as stalking you and obtain a restraining order for your protection.

You will be able to walk away from this with your head held high and without looking back.

Hey @mandy84,

I have been away from Sane Forums for a while.... I'm so glad that you are Ok now and studying again, too. That is unfortunate that you ex-boyfriend continues to hang around... even after that trip you took with him where he failed to listen to you and you had to flee the hotel and get a flight out of there... wow, like, I am surprised there is anything still between you after all that! He must be a very smooth talker, as you say.... but then, you must know within your heart that all is not right.

I'm sure you can easily meet someone much nicer who is not married. It is honestly not all that hard to meet people. Good luck @mandy84!!

Please let us know how you are going. xx