messed up, can't escape

Yes, I'm wondering how you are too @mandy84, ? Still in hospital? Hugz

Me too. Sincerely hope your suffering has eased a little. May you be at peace.

Hello, sorry its been so long since I posted. They confiscated my phone a while and i'm having trouble focusing and I've had some setbacks.
Sorry i've missed your last 11 posts,l - Thanks for your callouts though, really helps as I'm hiding from everyone here. (not that I ever had any 'real' friends).

Yes my GP admitted me to a Private Hospital Psych ward under the care of a 'Christian' Psychiatrist (I'm scared of unbelievers in Mental Health as taught they can be used by satan). Its only a 30bed voluntary unit.

The last 2wks have been turnulturous with multiple setback:

#1 The 'x' visited me in hospital, unannounced, mother (not knowing things) told him where I was. I don't remember what we talked about but after he left I locked myself alone e in the activity room and totally trashed it - threw furniture everywhere and sat in the corner numb, the staff called for me to unlock the door and eventually called my psychiatrist in by which time I had straightened things up and nothing was badly damaged. I don't understand myself. The psychiatrist said he understood once I told him the 'x' visited. But then he keeps referring to my miscarriage as a termination. I did not want to lose this baby, what's his problem.

#2 My parents visited, don't know how they found me either, mother makes everything about her and sent my aunty yo visit telling her I looked shocking.

#3 I took your advise and handed in my extra medication but the staff became angry with me about the fact that I had been self medicating (or that they didn't notice). I thought I did the right thing hut apparently not as the staff are now angry or impatient or disgusted around me it seems.

#4 god mother to bring in some stuff with hidden contraband and took od here. Was sent to state hospital emergency, had stomach pumped and iv antidote and was sent back to the private hospital. This REALLY upset them, the staff. I made them look bad i was told and theyre being horrible to me, even the psychiatrist actually said to me "I don't know why I even bother with you" And last week the psych registrar (who I had developed a secret crush on), he told me "I can't trust you" Hearing these words crushed me. omg! help me! I don't know what's happening to me, i've prided myself on being trustworthy and dependable all my like. I dont know who i've become. I cant remember days or half the things they say I do. I don't know whats going to happen going to happen to me as they are having a case conference today to maybe discharge me into the care of my parents (the worst place of bad memories they don't know about). I'm scared because my body is weak from the od and clearly I'm making some really big mistakes I can't control but they are saying I should be able yo and there really is nobody I feel safe with. I just want to vomit right now talking about it.

I'm sorry I don't have any good news, hut maybe you can suggest something that can help. And I'll try check in again soon.

Thanks SANE for these forums, giving me a voice (really crying now).

I am travelling at the moment @mandy84 and haven't read back through all the posts yet ....

Sending you hugs, and I think you need to tell the psych about your parents ....

❤️💕

Hi @mandy84, know you don't visit other threads much and didn't want you to miss this one by Decadian. Sure she won't mind if I cut and paste here:

Aw @mandy84,
That feels terrible - I think you feel as if you have lost yourself
Nothing is so bad that God can't fix it - we all make mistakes - and it can be a very lonely world
After my son died I was confused as to why God had to go on testing me - I had a strong faith - I always have - but why? To take my son. This felt like the end of the world
In reality my son's life had got to the point where he could not bear it any longer really - God has promised us that he won't put us through more than we can stand - so I had been relieved of the terrible strain of a disturbed child with too many problems to be humanly dealt with - he is at peace and his was a tortured soul
I did survive that valley of death - it was terrible - it took years and I had professional help - but my family bailed on me - they didn't enjoy having an "upset" - my mother never did accept his suicide - his Dad was not able to relate to what had happened and my dd really was too young
It was many years ago now that I realised that God was not testing my faith - he knows my faith - but he wanted me to know the strength of my faith because I have needed to have a strong faith -
I read elsewhere you had a bad time in hospital - and enacted some bad behaviour. I did a lot of yelling and shouting in hospital before my son died - I remember feeling shame about that - but the therapist I was seeing earlier this year said that was the best place to enact my rage and sorrow and frustration.
For you too - having your ex turn up - that was past the limit - you did not need that - there are times when there is too much on for us to have the control we would like for ourselves - and we have to give up the tension somehow
But whatever - don't give up on God - the rest of the world may fail you but not God - and he can bind up any broken heart
You have miscarried twice - I had a lot of miscarriages - it won't feel so bad in the future although it feels painful now and the "love of your life" - if you mean that ex that is no lose - believe me - I could write nasty words about him - he has treated you badly
Now - you can get back to your career and you can't see the future and there may or may not be a future man for you or children - but as hard as it might be to live a life alone it can be your life
Your despair is understandable - I can see how much of a mess your life must seem - but as for losing your standing with people - like friends or church people or even your own family - if they can't help you through this then they are perhaps not worth it - but for God's sake - give people a chance
God can put you back together again. I have walked though a valley of death and survived - I walked through alone so it can be done
Take it easy - 20 minutes at a time -
It must be hard to write of such terrible despair - but the way out is through
Decadian

Good on you @Former-Member .... ❤️