Hi Mandy. I am moved to post in the hope that my opinion – born of similar experience and a lot of study– might resonate with you. However, it is just that – opinion. I might be entirely wrong. You’ll know as you read what I have to say.
Firstly, you are not going mad – you are being and have been for some time, psychologically manipulated by a dangerous predator. He is at the centre of a whole lot of unfortunate judgement and blame that friends and family are casting your way because he is a skilled manipulator of everybody. And some people can’t help themselves from blaming the victim. That’s just a weird thing that happens, even with family. Your fear and anger are entirely natural. So is your belief that the only person who can make you feel better is the person who is the cause of your distress.
Shrinks call this ‘trauma bonding’. A long period of intermittent reinforcement – giving us love then treating us with callous disregard – gets us coming back with our tail between our legs wagging our tails looking for approval and giving love like a dog that gets more and more loyal with a master who beats or chastises it. The primary manipulation technique used by cult leaders.
Everything you have described in terms of feeling trapped in a snare and your situation descending into more and more loss has a name. The name itself is frightening, and I don’t wish to add to your fear and distress. You are experiencing psychopathic abuse. The man you have described is a psychopath. Sorry, it’s a scary word I know. Narcissistic sociopath might be easier to digest. It might also be the term the hospital psychologist uses. He has a pathological personality disorder and he cannot change. You cannot heal him with your beautiful empathic love.
His charming easy-going persona speaking words of love kindness and devotion is a false persona built up over a lifetime to hide his true nature as a predator manipulator and exploiter. He is not nice Dr Jekyll with evil Mr Hyde inside, he is evil Mr Hyde wrapped up in a thin veneer of charming Dr Jekyll. He is dangerous.
He has used your own fine values – your love, trust, forgiveness and deep compassion – to control and manipulate you for his own gratification. I am so sorry this happened to you. But you can cope, and you CAN ESCAPE.
But you need to have NO CONTACT with him or he will continue to manipulate you – say one thing and do another, lie with impunity, use you for his own gratification until you have nothing more to offer him and he will dump you and possibly turn people against you.
I know you love him, but the man you think you love is just a sophisticated persona and not real. He is a fake. Let go of him the best you can. Grieve for your lost innocence.
Turn to people who have helped you in the past. They will help you again. Find a safe harbour where you can take the time to unravel the complex maize of confusion and anguish he has woven around you. Make your healing a priority, as you offer so much kindness compassion and healing to others in your professional role. Maybe you don’t know how to be kind and forgiving towards yourself? That’s OK. You can learn. New skills, new habits. You can replace that old habit of beating yourself up for being a bad person.
You are not a bad person. You are beautiful, kind, trusting, precious and wonderful. And inside is a wounded little girl who needs your love and protection from further hurt. Imagine taking that little girl in your own loving embrace and whispering sweet soothing reassuring words to her. Place your hand on your heart as you do it. She is in there and she needs your attention.
Telling your story can re-traumatise you. As you tell it, emotions rise up and you can be ‘flooded’ and feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. So if you can, find a psychologist who is a trauma ‘expert’ who doesn’t keep asking you to tell your story. There might be one where you are now. If a psychologist can’t cope with your anger, they are not really qualified to be treating trauma. And a nurse simply should not be telling a traumatised person they are passive aggressive. So what if you are? Let yourself off the hook for your anger. It is a huge part of being traumatised. You are not a bad person for being angry. Anger is just sorrow’s bodyguard.
Therapies that work for complex PTSD such as yours include EMDR, Hakomi, Mindfulness-based therapies and Somatic Experiencing. These help you deal with the symptoms of trauma that are present in your body. They work better than telling the story and getting flooded with fear, anger, grief and other horrible emotions. In my opinion and experience. Many Western mental health professionals mistake your anger for who you are and try to ‘fix’ that by making you investigate all the ways you are to blame for your abuse and behavioural responses to abuse. That person or environment will not feel safe. And you need to feel safe most of all to begin to recover from exhaustion and abuse. You have been abused my dear. Used, exploited, manipulated. But it’s very hard to explain the whole big picture. Telling the story over and over again might not be the best treatment.
Inside you is the strength and courage and resilience to meet this challenge, with God’s help. You will emerge from this horrendous experience with more self-compassion and love and ability to help others than you ever imagined. But for now, it is YOU who needs your own compassion and kindness and love more than anyone. You have a place to vent here and a whole group of total strangers who ‘get it’ because they have been through it themselves. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would one of your patients. You can do it!
You are a beautiful soul.
This will pass and you will get through it. Hope is not gone forever. It is just obscured by the dark clouds that will pass and let the light shine through. As Leonard Cohen said (quoting the Persian poet, Rumi); “There’s a crack in everything. That’s where the light gets in”. Take heart. You can get through this. The light will shine again in your life, just as soon as the narcopath is out of it and you are somewhere safe.
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