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messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor07 July 2016, 3:00 am AEST

messed up, can't escape

Hi, i have nobody i can really talk to, and hoping SOMEONE here might listen, help me sort it out.

Don't know what to do. Keep pretending everything is ok. but its not. Sometime i walk across the road from work for lunch, sit in the park but even there my mind messes with me and i drift reverse into an invisible tunnel and to world suddenly seems 100 miles away at the end of the tunnel so small. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my mind.

I am on contract in the outback,! nursing. I HATE myself for it but gor seduced by a much older married man, his wife gave me permission as they have this thing called an open marriage but its messing with my head. When i tell him i don't want to see him anymore he comes in as a patient requesting to see me. Or he'll turn up at church. I'm locked in this 12month contract in the middle of nowhere & so lonely & too ashamed to try tell a soul. And can't understand how i could defile myself with gum.

Work is stressful. Neurotic boss who hid e's s in her room. We live in the clinic, us 3 RNs. I put drips in, transport emergencies, suture wounds, take blood etc No dr in town. We talk with the flying doctor who comes to do a clinic once a fortnight.

I don't want to lose my job but i don't want to crack. Wish i could just fly away.

173 replies

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In response to: messed up, can't escape

Unknown userMember07 Dec 2016, 2:11 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Couldn't say it better myself @Faith-and-Hope, and @Decadian, the christian 'church' - the body of Christ on earth, have many groups. @mandy84, sounds like you have been heavily conditioned to a certain subgroup that no longer serves you well. Not all are the same. I know its hard to go 'mainstream' after the vibrant pentecostal atmosphere but maybe you need some quiet stability. You've been heavily involved giving them your time and talents free for so long, find a quiet bible base church to take a back seat, solace, quiet, which let you work through your personal turnaround and growth. Even a small bible study group is enough. Take care. Better days are ahead. xox

In response to: messed up, can't escape

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 Dec 2016, 4:40 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hear,, hear ....

Pentecostal churches will teach you that theirs is the only right way @mandy84, and tend to try to make you feel guilty for going anywhere else. You have the freedom to choose, and like @Decadian and @Former-Member, I encourage you to explore ... but also to stick to mainstream churches where there is also history and accountability of the church leaders. Without that, they can virtually teach what they like, unchecked and inexperienced.

Walking with you ....

💜

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

PurpleFlowersSenior Contributor09 Dec 2016, 7:01 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

So agree with what you've said..I have had no solace, kindness or understanding from most in these churches (just ram in down your throat preaching - even if their lives are in a mess). hope I haven't offended....

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

PurpleFlowersSenior Contributor09 Dec 2016, 7:03 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Such wise advice 🙂

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

DecadianSenior Contributor09 Dec 2016, 9:14 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @PurpleFlowers

I personally am not the least offended - what you have said is the truth.

Personally if I was in good health I would be happy to go to a Pentacostal Church and join in the "clap-happy" activity - and rejoicing certainly has a place in Christian worship - but really getting to the nitty gritty of Christian beliefs is so much more than that -

It's a serious activity and requires commitment - and through this people can find healing for their souls - we have not been activated by a clock-maker god and abandoned to find our way alone

Many people are hurt by some of these churches though - but then fragile and vulnerable people need stability and this is best found in the churches near mainstream teaching.

Thanks for your comments Purple

Dec

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

PurpleFlowersSenior Contributor09 Dec 2016, 10:17 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @Decadian

Thank you for your understanding. I realise after my comments, I must have some residual anger about how I have felt preyed upon and treated by those in pentecostal churches. At the end of the day, I think community and singing and clapping all that stuff is great too and I also agree that if I was to attend church I would defintely go mainstream with more stability etc. Sorry to know that your health stops you from doing things that would bring support, happiness etc, to your life. Take care.. PurpleFlowers

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor10 Dec 2016, 9:05 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

It's communal advice @PurpleFlowers .... sounds like most of us are seeing things the same way here ....

💜 Hugs @mandy84

In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape

DecadianSenior Contributor10 Dec 2016, 12:06 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Hi @Faith-and-Hope and @PurpleFlowers

We have to find our way with care - and just as I have suggested a couple of times that if we don't like what our therapist says we are free to comment on that - we don't have to accept something that seems to us to be wrong

As humans we are fallible - in a mainstream church I was one of a number of women with marital problems who would see the minister and come away feeling various stages of guilt and antagonism because this minister must have been having problems of his own. I went to a different church of the same denomination but some other women got together and approached the church authorities and this minister was reprimanded and for a time was an army chaplain -

Regardless if the issue - if the advice seems wrong - we question it - we must - we are all going to make mistakes

Luckily we all have a sense when something is wrong - and it's hard to explain but it's a good idea to sniff to investigate because if it smells like it and looks like it etc - it probably is

It all comes around to the same thing - we have to take responsibility for ourselves and when I was in a disintergrated marriage I was furious to be told to stop working in a male-dominated profession because this made life hard for my unqualified husband -

Perhaps I should delete that but thinking - no - I should leave that - it was a long time ago and things in the mainstream churches are changing - if we feel something is wrong then there is a system in place now to investigate it

But no one should give up on themselves as they strive to make life better for themselves and other people

Dec

In response to: messed up, can't escape

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor13 Dec 2016, 11:31 pm AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

@mandy84

I have only heard of that sort of response from a psychologist once before on the forums .... and I think it is so inappropriate ....

Different psychologists may have their different approaches .... but that one really sucks .... imagine a doctor telling you to get over a cold before coming back to see them, when it's the cold you went to them for in the first place ... ??!

Please let the GP know that that was the response you received ... and ask for a referral to someone else. You need support, and understanding .... and tears are a big part of dealing with psychological pain.

Hugs n hugs .... and be gentle with yourself .... si thoughts are not okay, but that eye are just thoughts ... bat them out of your way ....

❤️🌷💕

In response to: messed up, can't escape

mandy84Senior Contributor14 Dec 2016, 5:56 am AEDT

Re: messed up, can't escape

Thank you for all your wonderful replies however I do feel somewhat guilty about putting down the church. When I was ready to take my life after a miscarriage at 19, I was introduced to the Pentecostal church, waa born again and and honestly it was just the best thing for me. that's part of my problem here I am some years later and upload it gone back to my vomit at state teach.

so it's kind of feels like I shouldn't put them down but at the same time I can see that that environment is not real good for me at the moment feeling so guilty around them.

Also if I went to the psychologist and it didn't go very well and it makes me feel like there's not going to be much help out there at all, especially with Christmas coming. This psychologist I couldn't believe it I was trying to tell him everything but the tears... he he couldn't handle my tears he said he said that he was going to go grab a coffee and if I haven't stopped crying by the time he comes back he can't help me and I may as well leave. You can imagine that just made me worse so when he got back he sent me on my way. I was crushed and overwhelmed with thoughts of hopelessness for future.

I drove up to the mountains crying all the way to my fav lookout. Called in on a church elder lady who gave me cup of tea and I settled down but couldnt tell her details, too ashamed.

I went to the doctor today and told him that I want to die sometimes, he wants to put me in hospital after i explained to him that I think God would understand. I scared him I think so he wants me to go into hospital. I have private cover.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep until it's all over or something I don't know I'm sorry I'm not stayung on top of things I wanted to kinda impress you all hete but I just cant, think I'm going under and that's not very nice. Please pray.

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