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Hi, i have nobody i can really talk to, and hoping SOMEONE here might listen, help me sort it out.
Don't know what to do. Keep pretending everything is ok. but its not. Sometime i walk across the road from work for lunch, sit in the park but even there my mind messes with me and i drift reverse into an invisible tunnel and to world suddenly seems 100 miles away at the end of the tunnel so small. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my mind.
I am on contract in the outback,! nursing. I HATE myself for it but gor seduced by a much older married man, his wife gave me permission as they have this thing called an open marriage but its messing with my head. When i tell him i don't want to see him anymore he comes in as a patient requesting to see me. Or he'll turn up at church. I'm locked in this 12month contract in the middle of nowhere & so lonely & too ashamed to try tell a soul. And can't understand how i could defile myself with gum.
Work is stressful. Neurotic boss who hid e's s in her room. We live in the clinic, us 3 RNs. I put drips in, transport emergencies, suture wounds, take blood etc No dr in town. We talk with the flying doctor who comes to do a clinic once a fortnight.
I don't want to lose my job but i don't want to crack. Wish i could just fly away.
For a start stop judging yourself, your judgements just come from your morality which has been handed down to you by an ignorant society and a religion which wants control over you. Since you're so isolated the best thing you can do is intense physical exercise, go running at least 40 minutes until the mind cannot hang on any longer with its nonsense, so you become calm, push yourself physically, running the emotion out of you. And be honest with the two people that you are in the relationship with, really honest, stop hiding what is really going on inside of you, do that and you will not have to look for answers on this forum again.
In response to: messed up, can't escape
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
Hi @Former-Member
I am sorry that has been your experience of faith ... I hope a better one comes your way ... and you are definitely right about not holding anger in .... it turns to poisonous bitterness and harms you more than anyone else .... that's what rrue faith teaches, and true believers respond with compassion and support, not judgement.
Exercise is very good too, but I have a hubby locked into an eating disorder that includes excessive, debilitating exercise. You can't out-run everything .... but it can be an excellent distraction and salve when used properly .... my hubby started out with good intentions that way, but lost the edge ....
Keep making plans @mandy84 .... they will start to take shape, and you will gradually find the purpose and energy to act on them .... baby steps .... you are still in need of a lot of healing .... keep strong ... take care of you ...
💜💐
In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape
Unknown userMember
Re: messed up, can't escape
I do not understand why you're responding to me. But you rely on faith belief and hope but I'm wondering if you really understand what those three concept are. Belief and faith are basically the same, you have just accepted something that you have been told, you do not know for sure whether there is any truth in it or not, you have just accepted it. And hope is a very foolish thing, hope is in the future. And if you are hoping for something in the future, that is nothing more than trying to escape the present moment. And if you do not face your problems in the present moment and spend your life are trying to escape then you're suffer greatly in this life.
In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape
Unknown userMember
Re: messed up, can't escape
Hi @Former-Member
We have had a change of moderator and I am on now until midnight. I have been reading your posts on this and other threads, and also other members responses.
I am concerned about the tone of your posts where you are criticising other members comments and using judgemental language about things like people's faith and spiritual beliefs, holding hope, or telling them what they should think.
This language is disrespectful to the other members on the forum and creates a hostile environment, which we do not want here. It can also trigger distress for other people as they have had plenty of negative, judgemental and critical people in their lives already.
Please consider this a formal warning @Former-Member If you continue to comment and criticise in this manner, I will remove your posts and suspend you if needed. Please review the forum guide here before you make a further post. Scroll down the page to read the forum guidelines.
Thank you for your understanding,
Frog
In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape
Unknown userMember
Re: messed up, can't escape
You have judged what I have written in a negative way. Some others have judged it in a positive way. but of course you would not realise that your judgements come from all the unresolved conflicts within yourself, I will speak my mind and if that is not welcome here then so be it.
In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape
Unknown userMember
Re: messed up, can't escape
In response to: messed up, can't escape
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
@TAWNEY wrote: Quote: "When someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation."
That's a really good comment @Former-Member
Dec
In response to: messed up, can't escape
mandy84Senior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
Thanks @Sahara, @Faith-and-Hope, @Decadian, @Former-Member... ... Its good to have your perspectives. Having technical probs coming online as much as I'd like. Really appreciate your posts, having someone who knows the truth, and how I'm so very tired an thinking all is lost.
My sister had her baby boy, exactly one month after losing mine.She had a terrible long distressing labour and looked exhausted. Nursing him in the hospital was so hard. This should be my baby, but I put on a brave face. But inside its killing me. How can I tell her with everything she's going through or my parents who lack empathy. I tried to make an apt with a church counsellor but she said she was booked out and going away for the hols. She even suggested I ring a guy from church who fancied me and wants to be in touch. I'm actually shy around men, besides I just can't go there yet, not in a position to ready. Lifes complicated enough.
The baby's in a crib in their room & I still have the nursery, need to get my own place. Just having trouble thinking. Want to drive up the mountains tallest lookout and, you know. When I sit there looking out across the blue hills, on top of the world, its like I can fly, and I breathe in deep. Nobody knows I'm here. Losing days. Haven't heard from 'him' Doing some casual shifts working but had to leave the floor in tears (for no reason) which is not going down well. Nursing is highly responsible job, I'm scared I'm gonna mess IP and hurt someone so might pull back 'till I feel better. Whish I could afford a life coach, really lost direction, can't see a future anymore. Don't know hat to do. Anyway, really just want to say thanks, and tell someone updates. Keeps me a little more grounded, thanks 🙂
Keep dropping barbituates to numb it all, double at night to sleep. It's not a long term solution.
In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
Hi @mandy84 .... 💐💕
Keep reaching out for counselling help .... if you call Lifeline - 13 11 14 - they have lists of agencies and services in your area for practical help and support.
It would be a good idea to get a place of your own. It's clear that staying in the nursery, and with a new baby in the house is painful for you, and you are not likely to be able to support your sister well .... from memory you are not close anyway .... ? The only issue with that is being even more on your own .... more reason to call Lifeline and become away of the support services available to you.
Keep posting here when you can. We're walking with you here too.
❤️
In response to: messed up, can't escape
KurraSenior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
@mandy84 You've done well with your nephew's birth coming so soon after your own loss. If you could have your dream job in nursing or an allied health area, what would be your dream of dreams? If you can identify the one area of passion what steps do you need to take to make your dream a reality? This type of questions are the ones I've asked myself when I've lost my direction. Looking for a place to rent might also help you settle back in to some of the hum drum routine of daily life.
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