Taking charge of my well being!

Hi again @Former-Member

Sorry for the confusion (protective wall). I will try to see if I can rephrase it. I'm just wondering if you have always had a protective wall or is it more recent?. For me I've had partial protective wall since I was about ten years old and in recent times it has become thicker (my protective wall) to almost being completely blocked. For me the change in my protective wall has been a combination of things - severe depression and retraumatizing experience (trigger).

I've not be able to recognize my emotions either @Former-Member. I think, I pushed them down for a very long time, up until recently that is, and I think I have a while to go in dealing with my emotions.

I think you will find when you wall comes down the emotions will come up slowly and it will happen maybe when you are distracted or something will come on TV and your emotions will come up and you will start to connect more with your body. I suppose that is why you are focused on the mindfulness and trying to connect with your body because you are spending too much time in your thoughts.

I hope that makes a bit more sense I have enjoyed chatting with you!!

Hi @Former-Member

I agree - it is very important to focus on the reality around you in the here and now - what you can touch and see and hear and focus on - this is the reality you have to work on - this is where you have to heal

And if this is hard for you - then the internet has entertainment value but for your emotional health then it is best to avoid social media for the time being

I remember how hard it was for you in hospital and how long it took you to sort it you - and I hope things are improving for you

Decadian

Hi @Former-Member

How was your Sunday? I woke up aching again, must be fighting something off (again). Took my daughter out for lunch though, Italian, then to the beach for a while. Didn't go for a walk today, couldn't push myself. I really don't like missing my exercise. I will probably do pilates later, but it's not really enough.

Ok, regarding the protective wall. Hmm! I can't really remember exactly when I put it up. I spent so many years crying and feeling really bad, had lots of counselling, (regarding my past) thought I'd dealt with it all and told myself I need to stop crying and "get over it", it's in the past, I can't change it, now move on. Trouble is, it didn't quite work, not sure why. Not easy getting over it all. I think I am mostly over the past, but am dealing with "family stuff". I still do get triggered though, certain music takes me back to certain times, etc. Or driving past a place where something traumatic happened. It is easier, but it's still there. I just never seem to get on top physically.

So, now, when I want the EMDR to work, I switch off, automatically. I want it to work, so it is very frustrating.

At least I'm not severely depressed 24/7 like I used to be. I do get very depressed, but do experience joy sometimes. For many years I NEVER experienced joy at all. Worked full time as well. I can't work at the moment and haven't been able to work for years. My priority was to get pregnant, have a baby and be a mummy. I was very unwell when I became pregnant,, but I couldn't wait, as I was getting older. It was my only chance. I've always wanted to be a mum and I wasn't going to let PTSD etc stop me. It was a very difficult time and I was exhausted for years, cried every day, no support at all. I just stayed home, looked after by little girl and cried.

But, I am very grateful that I had the chance to be a mum. It's the best thing I've ever experienced. She is by best friend.

Hard to believe actually, that I was that bad, it was hell. I really don't know how I survived, but I did and I am going forward, even if it doesn't feel like it at times.

Anyway, raving on again, hehe!

I was thinking about how you don't sleep well. Are you sensitive to certain foods? My digestion hasn't been good for years and I have now discovered that certain foods affect my sleep. Especially sugar, oats, chicken, meals with tomatoes in them, eg bolognese (one of my favourites), nuts and other foods. Might sound strange, but I honestly sleep better when I avoid certain foods. I used to be awake on and off ALL night until I stopped eating certain foods. Just though I'd mention it to you, to see if perhaps foods might be affecting you??????? I have tried and taken heaps of different vitamins, herbs, you name it, to help me sleep and nothing has really helped me. I do take a certain powder (Mineral, vitamin), but unfortunately I can't mention it on here. It helps the muscles relax etc. Lately I have been waking up with panic attacks for some unknown reason. I guess I just need to keep doing mindfulness, until I notice a difference. The more I read about it, the more I can see that it seems to be a huge answer to healing. Takes time.

Do you live on your own? I think I might have asked you this before and I think you said that you share a place with someone, is that correct? Still trying to remember everyone's story.

Take care and rest when you need to, listen to your body and do what's right for you.

Hi again @Former-Member

It was okay, I am actually a bit anxious and depressed today. Thanks for asking! I am glad you had some time with your daughter and had a lovely lunch together. I was not able to exercise today, I should have but I didn't get to the gym or pool.

The protective wall I can really relate to what you are saying and how it impacts you- I find it difficult to explain. I basically told myself to move on etc. I did have a lot of emotion to my trauma but nothing much now. Before I would write in my journal what happened or try to express myself and it brought up a lot of emotion at the time, I would cry for a while but not sure how long- it didn't worry me because I thought it was cleansing tears(healing). Fast forward not much tears at all and I find it very difficult to remember any of my trauma but I still have some of the feelings.

May ask what your diagnosis- so I can understand a bit more- I know you have PTSD but sure if there is anything else??? My depression was quite severe too and did really impact for a number of years (1 to 2) and probably still quite depressed and didn't enjoy things like I once did that is for sure. I am so sorry you have been unwell and have been through so much. But I am glad to hear you were able to have a baby and she is now your best friend.

Thanks for thinking of me and my struggle with sleep. From when I was very young I had food allergies and I am quite sensitive to certain foods etc so I wouldn't be surprised if its something that I am eating or possibility drinking (caffeine), that could be contributing to my poor sleep. I find it hard to get to sleep and then I am sleepig on and off and this doesn't happen all the time but I can awake early too. So I do have all main things for a sleep problem and its exhausting at times. I did take the medication (overthecounter) and its good for the nervous system and muscles. In recent weeks I have not taken it, but I really should start again.

I have been having intense anxiety at night time too and its often before I go to sleep and I have a flashback of some sort. I find it really difficult to talk about my trauma to anyone. I've not done a lot of reading on mindfulness and the healing process- I try to do stuff that keeps me in the here and now- I guess that is mindfulness to a certain degree.

I actually live alone and I have my staffy dog- I know its hard to remember everyones story.

Careful with over the counter meds for sleep @Former-Member Definitely only good for short term, can make you feel more depressed, if not careful. Sometimes we need it though. For now I am having a break from sleep meds, were making me feel terrible. I take a natural powder now. It seems to help.

I better get my cold cup of tea, hehe! and toast. Still full from late lunch out.

Will write more later re your message. My cuppa is waiting. @Former-Member xo

@Former-Member

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety (which is part of PTSD). Because I had ADHD when I was in primary school, I decided to do some research to see if it still affects me. I have asked doctors if they think it would still affect me and they would say, "maybe" and that was it.

I read some books from the library and it was like reading my life story. I don't have the "H" anymore, unfortunately, I have ADD, which means, lack of motivation etc., great!. So that explains why I have to push myself all day every day. Apparently alot of people who have had ADHD as a child can have ADD when they are an adult.

I saw a psychiatrist last year, she confirmed my diagnosis. Perscribed 3 meds, tried them and they were terrible. One of them worked great for a few months, then I really went down hill. It was a stimulant, which would stimulate the frontal lobe of my brain, but I need to slow down the part of my brain that works over time (I forget what that part of the brain is called), it helps produce adrenalin etc, causing stress. Anyway after over stimulating my brain too much, collapse. I stopped taking them some time this year, still getting over that, I think. The AD med, I was reluctant to try, made me feel worse (in bed for 2 months) and the sleeping tablet she perscribed made me feel terrible in the day. So thankfully I am off all 3 of those. So, I don't see a psychiatrist anymore. Meds aren't good for me, unfortunately.

Primary school was great, I had heaps of energy and life was full of fun. Pity I don't have the hyper anymore, hehe!

I have had alot of health issues over the years, from working alot with children. Lots of viruses, glandular fever, which became chronic fatigue syndrome, because I kept working while sick (it was expected). Lots of bugs, flus etc constantly. I guess my body couldn't handle all the sickness on top of all my emotional stuff.

Oh, so you didn't get your exercise today either. It's an annoying feeling not doing them, isn't it? I don't like missing it, but sometimes it's just too hard. I hope that you feel better tomorrow.

Gosh! it's getting late again. I guess I better get my stretches done, shower etc.

Have you been diagnosed with anything else besides PTSD and depression? oceangirl.

I guess it must get a bit lonely for you, lucky you have your dog.

Sorry that you haven't got anyone to talk about your PTSD etc, I guess that's why you chat on here. That's why I do, because people understand on here and they want to talk. I hardly chat on facebook anymore. Fakebook. It does have alot of good points though..

Thanks for chatting. xo

Thanks @Former-Member for reminding me to do my stretches to wind down for the night. As I lived with day night a bit topsy/turvy. I need to re-establish good routines for my days.

Hope you are doing ok @Former-Member