why can't I cope longer?

REPOST FROM YESTERDAY (as in my enthusiasm I committed the crime of ACCIDENTALLY mentioning an anti-inflammatory medication 🧐 oopsy!)

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Thanks guys for your encouraging posts 💙

I slept well... 'till 5am...

Then 9am Dr apt re hip...ordered an X-Ray but deemed it most likely arthritis.

11am Optometrist was efficient... but 😔asking big bucks this time - $800 😲 (is that excessive?) I havent paid that much for ONE pair glasses (multi-focals + anti reflective).. Do you think i should cancel? IIfeel robbed. She said I could pay it off 🤔

Had the best shopping spree 😁 would you like to see pic of a couple of purchases?

I even rang a couple of friends and feeling on top of things... almost nearly 'happy' feeling 🤫 - weird 🙃 but cool 😃

$800 does seem excessive but I have nothing to base that on @Former-Member as I don't have glasses - need them but haven't dragged myself to get my eyes checked yet

Lovely to read you rang a couple of friends and are feeling more on top of things - that actually made me smile. Hugs Hon

@Former-Member

hi anyone listening.

My day was good in the sense that I got quite a bit done and had a good chat with my son (who usually doesn't pick up or respond for days).

I've planted out some flowers and weeded edges and did the lawn ''weed-n-feed' thing, with my fav CD on high volume from the car. Went a bit overtime watering (council restrictions) so hope neighbours aren't mean. Have never done the W+F lawn before, got it all over my feet grr.

Finally got an apt Tues for counselling with someone experienced in grief. She thinks the flashbacks coming back might be a 'trauma' thing, she doesn't know I already know that. Its just so exhausting so just want to talk about it... hope our talk is positive at least. Kinda lost hope in anything more the system has to help me. Just don't want to be alone with it.

My son is depressed, by his own admission today, he was really negative and more monotone than I've heard him in a while. . He's really down that he lost the ''permanent': job he thought was in the bag, and then ATO Audit' his IT business (requiring much of his time to pull together documents etc, time he doesn't have) and on top of all that he has Jury Duty next week. He's "down, really down" he said, and "sick of it all... every time he starts getting back on his feet God decides to screw me over" he said. I offered to come up, spend time with him... but got an absolute "NO! worst time ever for you to visit" he said.

I don't know what I can do for him. Told him I worry about him, which he seemed surprised to hear.

I don't know what to do. What if he dies too? My suggestion that he can get out of Jury Duty based on his one man business, sole supporting... but that just fell on deaf ears, thinks he's like the experience. And he refuses to go to centrelink. Sometimes I see the same attitudes in him that manifest with my seriously ill Bro3:who has schizophrenia (CTO injections) - so hope not.

I

Iish I could help somehow.

As I recover (two steps fwd, one, back), I can hold my pain in better, he doesn't know when I'm struggling, that i moved to this renal in the country very much on the edge, getting away f on my cruel toxic family etc..Besides, he and everyone irl have kinda made it clear they're tired of hearing my problems. , Its sometimes really hard to push m stuff down, shut my mouth and listen to his plight, and get snapped at for the slightest suggestion eg that his plan to live on noodles is a bad idea. but talking is all I have to give him, and prayer. I fear Its not good enough 😞 He doesn't like counsellors. Hope he doesn't have a breakdown, or worse.

Are we responsible for our grown children? I've given him a total of 25k to help this last 12months, and stay in touch, even when hes rude to me, and fight to not dishonour him with my premature death.(which i know would impact him) though maybe the money mght be worth more to him than me... Who knows?

Life is so scary, spits out some hard turns. And people are unkind. I refuse to bury another child. The state will have to do a rouble funeral in that case.

Friggin stupid all this dark thoughts

Back to my self care,

Resting in bed now, with GG dog beside me, feel bushed, and sore after my big day gardening.

Ta4listening 🙏 💜🌷🦉

I don't think you ever stop worrying about your children no matter their age @Former-Member but all you can offer is your help and support and it ultimately has to be up to him to accept that or not. Unfortunately as we know it is often not until we hit rock bottom that we have no choice in accepting help - I hope that does not happen for him but it would not be surprising with everything he hs to currently deal with. You are right though thst you need to look fter yourself with plenty of self-care. If infact your son does reach out you will not be any help if you are not doing at least a little okay yourself. You have done a lot today to look after yourself - the washing and gardening may seem like small things but it is keeping a home you can be proud of and that is self-care.

Keep the dream of travelling next year in your mind too - it is a dream you can achieve and having that freedom to go anywhere you like when you decide to will be wonderful ....just you and Georgia against the world - seems like bliss to me

You are more than welcome Hon I'm off to bed - goodnight @Former-Member