why can't I cope longer?

I understand that a little @Former-Member Work gives me that routine but I seem to fall apart a bit in the holidays - as much being tired though as it is time to myself. I presently lack the energy or motivtion to do any of the things i want to do but hoping that will come across the week.

The beach is about 20 minutes away so not far. It is a beautiful dog beach with a walking trail on the hill above where you can also take your dog. Toby loves both the beach and walking along the trail. There are seats along the walk as well so when I (or Toby) get tired we can rest. It is a few kilometres long but I have never done the entire walk - too long for me to go all the way to the other end and back - and definitely too long for Toby.

I get how frustrating it must be for you not being able to get everthing seen to at once. Having to have multiple appointments is difficult. Can you request a lnger appointment to tackle most of your health issues at once?

It would be nice also for us to occasionally be able to go somewhere with our fur babies where everything is done for us and we can simply relax - maybe with a pool, beach, nature and minimal people - just somewhere to get away from it all and soak up life ...and of course free!

Winter has a similar effect on me - daylight savings starting this week though so more time in the evening to do things as the days begin to get longer. It is especially good for me having more time after work to get outside and do things before it gets too dark.

My pleasure @Former-Member

Goodluck with putting up the shade cloth. I love looking out into my garden especially watching Cat when she is sitting in the sun. It is not as enjoyable when the grass is not mowed or the garden maintained but they are jobs I will do these holidays. I have really let the garden get out of control but luckily it is only a small garden and it will only take a day to weed and prune. I also need to spray along the side to get rid of the weeds that have overgrown through the pavers. It is an area that needs to be completely pulled up, levelled and redone. It was like that when I bought the place and is hard to maintain as it was only laid with old bricks and there are lots of gaps. My plan is to bring the paved area out into the backyard a bit more to create a wider path along the back and down the side of the house but that will be costly and I don't have the money for that.

I also have to finish the garden down one side of the backyard but that is something that will wait until the longer holidays over Christmas as it will take time to get done as it all needs to be sprayed and a couple of trees removed also. They are not appropriate for the space and I can put in some smaller natives instead.

I do not have any appointments over these holidays which is a good break for me - I had 2 last week after work instead. What have you got on this week?

Oh @Former-Member I have so much 'stuff' here that it takes up my spare room, bedroom and hallway. Most of it is school stuff however and collected over many years. It certainly makes the house seem cluttered and full but until I have a new school with a permanent class I cannot do much about it. Next school holidays (Christmas when there is more time) I will do a big clean up of all the school stuff - hoping very much I will have a school by then and can start taking stuff in as I go through it all. Presently it is stopping me being able to do anything inside the house - especially the painting that needs to be done in each room. The house is very old and needs work done before it can be painted also. I have started in the loungeroom but cannot go much further as I have nowhere to put everything whilst it is being finished. The biggest job was removing the plaster and relaying the bricks in the old fireplace. It is now closed in as it was not functional but I kept the hole where the fireplace was for storage - and built a shelf above for the tv. The actual wall of exposed bricks looks great and I am very proud of the job I did - but it took a long time to do as I needed to stabalise the walls at the same time ...sometimes it was literally brick by brick in order to do that.

I am really pleased to hear you have advertised your car. DId your past neighbour's son help you out with that? You did say he was giving you some help - great that you still have that connection there. Will that mean you only have the van for transport now too?

It would also be good if you can get to the grief support group - build up that network a little and help you out in the process.

Goodluck also with the dentist today and GP tomorrow. I certainly hope you can get through most of what you need to with the GP and there are minimal follow up visits.

I still remember your chest of drawers project and how wonderful it was to see the final product - so I have no doubt any of these projects you have you can do ....but yes we do often have great ideas that stay on the backburner for sometime. When you get around to them you get around to them - no pressure but good to have the ideas and plans to eventually do them.

Hi @Zoe7, Firgive my slow responses... dropping in & out of posting... somewhat of a scatterbrain these days..

Yes, my late neighbour / friend's son helped advertise the car... we went to the Library & did it (he doesn't understand but I'm not comfe being alone behind closed doors with him (men), and needed my credit card to post the add online... etc. Yeah, it is great we still have that connection... I didn't expect he'd bother with his mum gone. But I am paying him and I think he misses his mum a lot, he's started taking about his feelings (dreams + thoughts - grief process stuff...) which is refreshing coming from an older. male. The HiAce van is more cumbersome to drive but handles well and more comfe to sleep in. Cant afford to run teo cars. My son is talking about sharing the van... maybe doing a car swap for holidays which is actually a good idea... especially that he'd let me drive his car 😁

Turns out my monthly Grief Support Gp is clashing with dr apt tomorrow 🤔 might try reschedule dr in Morning, sigh 😞 The Dentist went well, only did X-Rays & sensitivity test today (student hospital so took forever), they'll start x3 fillings next week. Don't know why but after the dentist I crashed for 4hrs heavy sleep. Georgia woke me for her dinner at 5pm - way overdue poor dear.

I'v neglected a lot of my health, like the dentist, so during this self imposed exile in the country, very alone, I hope to catch up on self care with: optometrist, mammogram, pap, gut endoscopes, gastro & heart specialist, exercise physiologist, and psychologist. That should cover most dr appts.. But need to pull together / brainstorm a daily schedule that implements all i've learned to help what my own health, things I CAN do to help myself. Sad butbi jst struggke with self care, self discipline. TV and sleep is too easy. Maybe the depression, maybe just lazy habits or both. I'm dying if I can't make headway on this soon... literally. Need help but not sick enough for hospital and can't have Georgia Dog in a health retreat. Will look at it again next year if no progress. Wish I had the means when I was 40, kinda feeling passed my useby date nowadays.

You've got a good memory, I was thinking of you helping with the white chest of drawers and wondered if you remembered. That was a good feeling to finish... eventually :face_with_rolling_eyes: lol. I do have trouble sticking with things - need to strengthen focus, and discipline, and stop misplacing things grr. .. get easily bored, distracted, frustrated or bones hurt, then forget to go back to it. Combo of life stress and depression I guess. Might need to activate my obcessive ocd part lol.

Hey, you have a lot of 'stuff' too 😃 thought I was alone, not! lol. Hobbies do take up space, so I get it that all your School Stuff for working with Kidz would be a truckload of supplies. You must really love your work 🎖️ Hope you get that Permanent Class sooner than later. Probably end up being next year now I'd think. Sorry the work supplies are getting in the way of getting things done around the house. Can you confine it all to one room while you focus on the rest of the house? My spare room here is a walk in wardrobe / store room. Having to remove plaster, and relay bricks... that's real serious Reno, wow! I'm glad you're "proud of the job" you did, sounds really lovely, cosey 🏆

Wow @Former-Member You really are in for a lot of appointments but it is really positive that you are even thinking about it all - that there is self-care in itself Hon Next step to make appointments and actually go is the harder part though. Sometimes I think it is better to have them all together over a couple of days and then they are done - makes the waiting in between and the stress easier to deal with.

I totally understand you not wanting to be alone with a male - pretty much the same here - especially if it is someone I do not know well. It is great though that you have had that help and you can share some memories of your neighbour with her son as well as know a little more about her. It also gives you someone to talk to and it seems that you both need that.

It also sounds like a great idea that your son is talking about a car swap occasionally. You can use it when you want to get away and so can he - will definitely make the most of the van as well as you getting his car to use while he has your van - seems like a win-win there Hon.

I do very clearly remember the chest of drawers ...and how much I nagged you about getting them done Seeing you finally finish them was such an achievement at the time - you had a lot to deal with back them and it was great to see you focus on something really positive.

Unfortunately the spare room is pretty full already. Ihad to move everything into the middle of the room so I could get to the bookshelves. When I finally get the garage sorted there will be some room on the shelves for some of the boxes and then I may be able to move some of the things in the bedroom into the spare room to start in there. In the christmas holidays I will pull apart the bed, move the cupboard and dressing table into the middle of the room - cover them both - then begin to prepare the walls for painting. Then I can move everything from the spare room into that bedroom and start on the spare room. I will sleep on the couch but that is where I am ending up lately anyway so it won't be a drama.

The fireplace was a massive job. I intended to remove the fireplace mantle, fix it, lower it and replace it but instead I redid the whole wall. Once I saw the bricks behind it - it was a no brainer - they look amazing exposed. I would like to do the same in the kitchen but that is a massive job that would take months to do and the doorway, archs, skirts and ceiling would all need to be changed as well so it will probably not get done. I do have the paint already to do the loungeroom but it is presently the only room without a lot of things stored somewhere so it is kindof my safe spot. Best to keep it that way and not chaotic like the rest of the house.

I hope you get to do that trip next year too @Former-Member Getting your health on track a bit more will help you get there as well.

I am heading out for a while - going to go to the atm so I don't have to do it in the traffic tomorrow. Will be back later