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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor01 Aug 2019, 9:39 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sorry to hear about the nursing home issues @Former-Member I can understand you not wanting to visit because of how it is managed - not something you can deal with when you are not in a good way yourself

It is good the house is taking shape - that is only a small thing in our lives but so important having that sense of home.

Not sure I will get to parent-teacher interviews this afternoon - feeling very tired and flat today ...but will make that decision later after some more sleep.

Hope you have some nice moments in your day - hard when we are not doing so well but when we come across them we need to both recognise and vlaue them. Sending you much love and hugs Hon

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember01 Aug 2019, 10:09 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Appleblossom, good to see you, and good to hear you're on-the-up & that your new GP is working out, and you're doing music... Those coroners reports will be so hard to review for you (thought you'd done that), be sure to make a double apt and plan lots of self care activities that day. Feel for you. I haven't been brave enough to sit with a GP and my girl's report... too painful... and what's the point I wonder... It all makes me so angry. Grief sucks big time so please, please be gentle on yourself precious Apple 💜

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember01 Aug 2019, 10:17 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sorry you're struggling @Maggie, big hugz 💜 Winter seems to drag on the heaviness we feel, don't know how the northern hemisphere cope with winter. Try sit in the sunshine or go for walks as much as you can. My concentration and memory isn't good, really have to live in the now, so do tag me into your updates so I can catch up. Stay strong 💐🔆🙏

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember01 Aug 2019, 10:54 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Morning @Zoe7, sorry to hear you're flat today. Maybe get into some watermelon and fav fruits today, and sit or walk in the sunshine a while. Be good if you didn't have to go into PTIs. Dad's nursing home issues arr a pain, thanks for understanding my drop off in attendance - poor Dad, feel bad. I got notification yesterday that he's been fitted for upper dentures finally (7months) and they'll arrive next week. Normally they don't tell me stuff but since I submitted another formal complaint, they're
lifting their game. Bit of a nightmare but this is my dad. Because of my emotional liability - I only raise issues via email now and let it go. Seems to be working 🙂 Not sure what the brothers & my sister are doing for dad, if anything, so must go give him a hug soon.
Yes, my little home is working well, still have to remind myself to see the good that is and be thankful... Having that sense of 'my home' is coming back to me... no hubby, no kidlets, no ailing parents or argumentative squabbling siblings... just me and God, furbaby, and the birds. Could be worse.
Hey, I met a 2nd neighbour yesterday, she raced over in her PJs to help when she saw me struggling with getting the big wardrobe out my car into the house (taken me 3 wks cause of my back). She seems nice and even has little dogs so shes willing to mind my furbaby when needed 😁Apart from the fact that I'll have to tread carefully with her being 'friends' with the landlord... she's good for a chat, wants to help with the garden and seems down to earth, a blessing I'm thankful for (but I do tread carefully with neighbours). She told me useful bits about the neighbourhood.
Let me know how ya feeling later Zoe. Hope you pick up 🌷🔆🌷🔆🌷

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor01 Aug 2019, 11:08 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

So nice of your neighbour to help like that @Former-Member but I also understand you treading carefully - relationships are hard - especially when we have so much going on with those also existing (or not) in our lives. Still it would be nice for you to have that contact with someone - have a chat and do som gardening together - and that will certainly help with your back Great also that you have someone that can help out with fur baby if you need to go to Sydney again. My sister is the only person I trust with Toby - he really does love her and Cat is happy if she is at home and being fed so she is easy to look after.

It is good that the nursing home is corresponding with you on your father's care. I tend to deal with people via email myself now - it was never the case before this round of MI hit - I used to prefer a phone call or visit but being so isolated for so long I have reverted back to the easy option - and safest for me. SO much behind that for me but it is what it is and I am okay with that.

Going to try for some more sleep now and then make the decision about work when I wake up. I also need to visit my sister tonight as I need to ask her to borrow some money. I hve my mortgage and some re-occuring payments coming out the day before pay day and I just do not have the money to cover them all. I am going to get paid for the extra days I worked last term as I got that sorted out yesterday. There was a mistake by the school business manager that she rectified yesterday - so grateful that that will finally be paid. It has sent me backwards over the last month waiting for it to be paid - took Cat to the vet expecting it to come in - did not expect the vet bill to be so big though so sent me really behind again. Should be abe to catch up over the next month but it will be very tight until then. Putting off taking Toby in for his annual check up because I simply cannot afford it - he is happy and healthy enough though so waiting a little longer will be okay.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor01 Aug 2019, 1:36 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

Just a 2 heads can be better than one. I did it quietly in my own time for my sibs. This is for my dad's, she wanted to know reason of death and I gave a story instead of a reason, but that is the way reading it seemed. It will be just good to have an intelligent sensitive person who knows the meaning of all the words and concepts to sit with me. Also to read between the lines. She is very clear about sorting out the physical and mental and knows by my record keeping that I am not just making up a story... or catastrophising... or name calling ... I have been accused of all ... (when help seeking!) Or if I am formal, technical or blunt in my words it does not mean I am blunt in my feelings ...

Anyway found file in my bedroom mess and put it aside for next week after next bloods ...come through.

Take Care Bella

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember01 Aug 2019, 6:30 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Glad you found the file @Appleblossom 👍 Looking for things lost is life's most frustrating bugbears.

Really hope this Dr is sensitive and helpful for you. I've learnt not to expect too much these days. They're human and have bad days too. 🙏Prayers & fingers crossed 💌

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Shaz51Senior Contributor01 Aug 2019, 7:12 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

hugs and love @Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember01 Aug 2019, 7:56 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hey, I got a stronger birdfeeder. How well is this working! Really pleased 💜

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

MaggieSenior Contributor02 Aug 2019, 8:58 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member I smiled with the concentration being a bit, well, challenging. I saw you over there and was going to drop off a few off these 💜💕💜 but concentration, well, back to the present. Lol.

I don’t think it’s winter for me, just life in general. I’m in the south, way down in tassie, strangely, I don’t mind the cold either.

Heading out soon with my counsellor, a coffee and a look here and there.

Hope your day is goodish, in as many ways as possible.

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