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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor12 July 2019, 12:13 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

The B&W is a powerful image.

When there is grief, the self reproaches can hit home, but you can rub out the chalk and make your boundaries bigger and even a new different shape.

Your family has come through a lot of tough times. I hope you find the gentle capacity to heal yourself.

This pic is called The attitude of Lightning to Lady Mountain.

It is very open to interpretation and jiggles up my thoughts at times.

Perspective and shape

and other spiritual or beautiful images ...

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 July 2019, 12:26 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member
Seeing your parents in such circumstances sounds really painful. I am concerned when you say that it feels like your time to die too, will send you an email in a moment to check in with you. Take care of yourself there.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 July 2019, 12:40 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

This comment has been moved by a moderator to another part of the forum where it might be more easily found by the community.

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 July 2019, 12:40 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

You have not let anyone down @Former-Member You have done the best you can and looked after yourself as well. You spent so much time looking after your father and you did a great job. You are being hard on yourself but there is no need to be. Families are complicated and you certainly do not'did not deserve the treatment you have received. Very much time to put yourself first Hon. We love you here @Former-Member and very much want you around

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 July 2019, 12:47 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Former-Member but I'm ok. Just expressing my pathetic nothingness in search of some reconstruction tips using broken tools in a broken world. I'll be fine after my cup of tea. Anyway, can't k#ll something that's already dead lol ..

I'll check my emails when I get up. Thanks 💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 July 2019, 12:53 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Zoe7 , youre a treasure. I'm actually gonna get up for that cuppa now, mabe take a laxative or something lol I'll be fine 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 July 2019, 12:54 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks for answering so promptly @Former-Member
A cup of tea can be surprisingly soothing sometimes – and you've certainly have the support of members here with what you're going through

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 July 2019, 1:00 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

We have been on this road together for a while @Former-Member and I have seen a change in you with your new place. I know it is a long way from where you used to live and a long way from family but maybe that is exactly what you needed to get some emotional distance as well. I think this new place has been good for you Hon - in so many ways. Do not let the family stuff get in the way of your own happiness - there is nothing you can do about the actions of others. Be you and know we all like the you we see

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 July 2019, 4:41 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks F&H, and Appleblossom. Its nice to have pictures again.

I'm really battling today. Haven't even had my first cup of tea yet and that's saying something, all I done is let the dog out with her brekky,, peed, put kettle on and went back to bed. Very teary today. Saw new DR here yesterday. Filling out those 'history' forms and NOK etc really depressed me, I don't even mention my son, I just write a fake person there now, or this time it was a new church acquaintance I met last Sunday, cause I happen to have their number. Very sad. The dr asked "what are you doing to lose weight?" and of cause anything I say is obviously not working. At least the scales weighed a loss.. My BP was up too, so I was lectured about how being a "social smoker" isn't a ''non-smoker" drr! And I forgot to take my medical notes Smiley Sad and was late cause had trouble finding the place and walking on these painful leg...

Nope, today's a shit day!

Betta go have a drink and brekky pills somehow. I can do this. Thanks for the encouragement 💕 I can do this.... but, does it really matter if I don't ?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 July 2019, 4:45 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

It matters to me @Former-Member

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