why can't I cope longer?

Wow @Former-Member you drove to Sydney. Glad thats not on my todo list. I think they are all crazy drivers there ...lol.

Hope your dad is settled. Within reason. Ageing can be confronting.

Its good you are more settled with your new place.

this helped me.

Oo, oo, @Appleblossom, typing at the same time. Thank you. Yes, it's good I have my own space in this cute little private rental, that non of my family can find.. So childish how the sibs have treated me. So over them. Its only 4hrs to Sydney, bit much for return day trip so it's tricky.
My dad is dying (giving up), and they're not caring for him as well as I did at home. Breaks my heart.
Hey, we got snow potential forcast on the weekend. Never lived in such cold climate before 😊

I like posting pictures sometimes @Former-Member i always hope they make someone smile esp when words are short.

Pops ok thanks but life is boring sometimes and very much same old same old. Trudging along to just get through the day. I use a thread called 'rough time' but i havent really done any updates. Your welcome to join in thoigh, anyone is welcome there including if you need some support yourself or just after some company after a long day etc.

Sorry about your dad though, its really hard watching someone we love give up. My nan got that way when her time was nearing and it was so heartbreaking. Sending my love and some hugs to you.

Yes it is hard to watch someone we love suffer.

@Former-Member From what I gather making waves with your siblings would not have helped and only stressed you more. When people put their blocks and defenses up, even when it seems immature, it is wiser to collect your private inner and outer resources and do what you have done. Sad as it seems ... quietly make the best of your own life.

My mother wanted to go into an aged care home. She told me 8 years or so before she was ready to go, when we were doing a concert in one. Each person has their own challenges and difficulty.

@Former-Member I don't have ,amy words at present but am thinking of you

👋 @Former-Member @Appleblossom @outlander @Zoe7 @Former-Member .... here and listening too. Everything has been so well said, and picturised, I’m just gonna sit here and soak it all in.

Hugs and hugs @Former-Member . You have always done the best you have known how, as have the rest of us ..... it’s in our hearts to live like that ..... so what are you gonna do ??! The wise words here from @Appleblossom and @outlander have said it all really.

I hope you see some snow, and it brings you some joy.

No harm is self protection!

Thanks Beautiful souls🌷

@Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @outlander @Appleblossom ... I never intended to cause ripples or 'waves'' when I went and helped my parents, at such a critical time. Why would you think I did? Their angst twd me has been there a long time.

Think they wrongly percieved my presence as taking some 'control' from them. But, I honestly had hoped to 'be a family again' with all of them, in a positive way... I've grown so much since 2011 breakdown. I had hoped to prove that to them if they bothered to just come see me. But stubbornness +

I keep forgetting that most people don't believe in MH recovery, prefering to leave us in that 'mad' box so they don't have to bother doing anything.

Speaking of which - did I tell you mum's bed sheets werent changed between my visits? Dad's room had mold and dog shit & wee all under the bed. They didn't help, or care about mum and dad enough to DO ANYTHING, to 'act' and so I kept coming back, to help, in spite of the emotional abuse. I honestly did NOT do anything to deserve their extent of bastardly treatment. Mainly from the two ''middle sibs" (perhaps a late-onset Middle Child Syndrome thing... who knows). I've had to quietly exit because i myself was dying on the inside there.

Dad has noticed i visit less, and commented. A no-win situation. I think he's disappointed in me too. Hes cranky iiput him there in the nursing home. If I die today, he wouldn't even comprehend it, because all his thoughts are hinged on past events that he can't articulate, only feel.

I let everyone down.

You know, it feels like its my time to die too,

God why am I still here ????

Nobody will notice anyway...

Thanks F&H, and Appleblossom. Its nice to have pictures again.

I'm really battling today. Haven't even had my first cup of tea yet and that's saying something, all I done is let the dog out with her brekky,, peed, put kettle on and went back to bed. Very teary today. Saw new DR here yesterday. Filling out those 'history' forms and NOK etc really depressed me, I don't even mention my son, I just write a fake person there now, or this time it was a new church acquaintance I met last Sunday, cause I happen to have their number. Very sad. The dr asked "what are you doing to lose weight?" and of cause anything I say is obviously not working. At least the scales weighed a loss.. My BP was up too, so I was lectured about how being a "social smoker" isn't a ''non-smoker" drr! And I forgot to take my medical notes and was late cause had trouble finding the place and walking on these painful leg...

Nope, today's a shit day!

Betta go have a drink and brekky pills somehow. I can do this. 💕 Ican do this.... but, does it really matter if I don't ?

Hugs @Former-Member ..... you’ve done the best you possibly could have, and I am sure your Dad’s thoughts and emotions will be all over the place, especially at his very advanced age and state if wellness ..... try to pay no mind to any tone of disappointment and enjoy being in the moment with him for the moments you can .....

💜🌷