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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor12 June 2021, 4:31 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sorry to hear @Zoe7

A bath sounds like a good idea.

I'm sorry to read too you didn't sleep very well. Hoping that tonight sleep comes easily for you 🤞🙏

I'm actually thinking I might have a bath tonight. The boys decided last minute to go to their Dad's, so I can have one without being in the way so to speak. I only have a blow up bath so could even put in the lounge room tonight!! 🤣

I'm ok, thank you. Its been a hectic couple of weeks sorting out my boy's supports but I can breathe now as things are coming together nicely. Planning a very lazy weekend 🙂

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 June 2021, 5:10 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I have never heard of a blow up bath @Anastasia but nice to have the house to yourself to have one in the loungeroom if you so desire 👍

I could not get comfotable last night so the pain kept me awake. It is slightly better today so see how it goes tonight.

You are truly a wonderful Mum to those boys Hon and I am so very happy to hear those supports are falling into place - no doubt because of all your hard work and advocacy

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor12 June 2021, 5:17 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thank you so much @Zoe7, I appreciate your kind words.

Crossing everything for tonight for you 🤞🙌🙏💞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 June 2021, 5:21 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Easy to find those words for such a wonderful person @Anastasia

I am going to lie down for a bit Hon but have thoroughly enjoyed catching up with you this afternoon. Hope your evening is quiet and peaceful 💖💖💖

@Former-Member @Adge Love to you both

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor12 June 2021, 5:51 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

It was lovely @Zoe7 thank you 💞🙏

Hello @Former-Member @Adge hope your days have been good to you. I'm still in my pj's, still diamond painting 🎨!!!

Veeerrryyyyyy lazy day, but it's looking beautiful ❤️

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 June 2021, 7:48 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Anastasia Have slept for a couple of hours 👍 Awake just in time for fur baby biscuits courtesy of Tobes waking me lol

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor12 June 2021, 7:51 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Haha can always rely on our furbabies to remind us they're ready to eat lol @Zoe7

Must go feed mine! Gosh time has passed. Glad you had some sleep ✔️

Probably should go and eat too. Lovely to hear from you ❤️

Hi to everyone here @Former-Member @Adge @Shaz51 🙌

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor12 June 2021, 7:58 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Anastasia Hi & Hugs @Former-Member

Yes love my Birds, I do - They are my family + Good Singing for company, as an added Bonus.

Dollop of cream with your curry, Yum - Reminds me of Thai Curry with Coconut milk (The Bestest).

You hit the Nail on the Head - "Reporting to justify my existence" (& checking in etc).

I'm totally Fed-up with all the Punitive Threats - Just plain Nasty Generic emails + sms, on a regular basis.

I was at the Point of Terminating Jobseeker Payment (a measly $300 per week) - Several times, a few weeks ago.

Just to Get Rid of them - I did not care if I starved & could not pay any of my bills.

Which would have happened (actually) - even though Jobseeker pays only Half my Weekly Expenses.

They are just too Stressful (& totally Unnecessary) to Deal with.

I only Just Managed to Pull Myself Back (Several Times in fact) - From Pushing that "Terminate my Jobseeker Payment" Button.

What is Diamond Painting @Anastasia ?

I just went shopping - I find that very hard to do in the evening (fade away to nothing).

I kind of Splurged out on Frozen Quiche & one or two other foody things - I'm having them now.

I knew I would not have any energy left after doing an evening shop - So I got stuff I could eat straight away.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor12 June 2021, 8:14 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @Adge Its awful, demoralising and I sooooo hear and feel for you. my boy has to too to a certain extent, its bl00dy awful, and caused so much distress. When he was in hospital last week they stopped his payments cause he didn't show up for a job! The system really needs an overhaul for the genuine people like you and my boy.

Quiche sounds nice. I just fed puppy and now I am having salt and vinegar chips!!!! Lucky my boys don't go away often I'd never eat properly!

Diamond painting is a funny name for it Adge as there aren't diamonds nor do you paint 🤣

Its tiny diamond shaped beads that you stick to a canvas to correspond with the colour/number. Once completed its a beautiful 3 dimensional picture. Mine is a puppy and sunflowers. Its large, poster sized so it's taking me a while and I haven't touched it for months.

I hope you can relax now after your big day, you deserve to x

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember13 June 2021, 12:53 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Arh, just had a shower and feel soooo much better.
Lovely to read about your birds @Adge and how you're coping with the Centrelink machine. I'm glad that's behind me. It's not personal. It's designed to make you want to walk away, if you can, and they presume everyone is cheating. I decided the 300wk was my pay for the hours and stress it all put me through. Some jobs require more for samebpay lol Crap pay. But that's just my mind finding ways to alter my perspective & reduce stress. Like my landlord putting up my rent 25wk Im telling myself he must be hardup, lost his job & the land rates went up... true or not - I'm much more calm to think he needs it more than me, poor dear. And who'd wanna work for Centrelink! Such a high staff turnover. But it's all we've got to work with.
Anastasia, you haven't said much about yourself. Nice to see you though.
Zoe7 - has any bruising come out? Direct sunlight will help them. Hope it's starting to settle.
I pottered out in the van a while today. And spent couple hours on wikicamp app reading reviews and chats... And acxouolebof women travel clubs on f/b. Kinda lost motivation for it, not h myself... I donno, trying to hold the dream.
Ive ran out of bread, milk, crackers, cheese, butter... thinking I shouldn't eat them anymore so not going out 'till I clean out freezer of everything. Living in soup and steamed vegies isn't too bad. Have tinned fruit for sweet tooth moments. Being a preDiabetic (insulin resistant), just gotta avoid processed carbs altogether I think. But gosh their addictive :face_with_rolling_eyes:

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