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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember01 June 2021, 10:37 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks Em, a lot... and ditto! re respect. Your "stall mode" of late is so understandable, and expected, you gotta do this at your own pace.
If my 1980s bpd dx is true then that "concept of self" will always be in question. Especially when people hurt me... (which is also highly probable due to hypervigilence). What hope is there really without support?

With my family I copped not only the 'no support' - but surprisingly... opposition, and slander... 😟 from the very people I was helping... go figure.
Even recently, Nobody will tell me (answer my emails) even, where my parents ashes are... what's with that!

It's hard to push it out of my mind.
I gotta go do something. Shuffle stuff... thats all I seem to do these days, or tv to numb the pain...

Gotta learn to 'be content' - 'expect less' - 'stay busy' 'respect solitude'

Actually, one good thing, Georgia leant in heavily this morning, gave the sweetest loving doggy cuddle-up when we woke. It's as if she knows when I need it most. I've never known a dog like this 🐶💗

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember01 June 2021, 6:50 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Clawde I see your dozens of 'support' notifications tonight. Thank you but you don't have to do them all 🤗 What have you been up to? Haven't seen you around much lately...
You too @Emelia8 - hope you got a few things done today. So many things O sort out. I remember pickings O my girls ashes, by myself 😟i bought an expensive basket lined with her favourite tissue paper to line it with to carry her home in 😢 very sad, the funeral home fella have me a hug 🤗 Cried all the way home. And i took dad to get mum's ashes, set her up nicely on her centre China cabinet, with angels etc. . .
Quiet night here. Watching the news. Pottered in the garden repotting and planting. A few good wins with striking some small cuttings. Geranium & succulents especially. Good effort our there foe one year, bit of everything. Maybe I can try learn the names of some of them 🌱

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor01 June 2021, 10:53 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member Your van sounds like it is coming along nicely - especially love that Georgia spent time in her bed - maybe she would travel okay after all

Keep looking after yourself Hon and do not listen to all the negativity around you because you not only matter but deserve support. Those issues that others keep presenting are theirs Hon - not yours - but there is also only so much you can deal with ...especially from family. It is a tough one because you do not want ot cause waves but you also need to be able to stick up for yourself but history would show that doing that with your son also pushes him away - so I really feel for you. In saying that however you do not deserve such disrespect from anyone and it is not at all okay that it is making you feel so down. I wish I could give you a big hug Hon

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2021, 8:00 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Zoe7 appreciate it 💗 Just hope you'd tell me, someone would, what exactly I'm doing wrong. I know I don't 'suck up to people' well, but also fail to see why I have to. I'm just me, usually quiet. Sometimes encouraging people is not received anyway... Thats the hard part, the disrespect. Can only conclude they are really hurting themselves and dump where they safe to. I'm gutless in sticking up for myself... CONFLICT... my mum smashed that one out of me at an early age. So be it. Just hide in my cave till God says to leave.
Yes, Georgia would travel on, on a lead, but I was planning not to come home and wanted her safe. I will do short trips. Must put it in for a service. Maybe I should paint the outside, make it a hippie van 🤣 lol

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2021, 8:20 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

🤔 Maybe too loud. Any suggestions @Faith-and-Hope ? How are you going over there? stbx excluded... I love hearing about your river walks, dolphins, coffee shops, old friends, art inspirations and sunflowers... I've wondered how the Melbourne lockdown has affected you, if at all? Stay strong 💐💗

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2021, 8:25 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Morning @Emrlia8 how are you this morning. I got up earlier but too cold and back under covers with GG snuggling up lol

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor02 June 2021, 9:09 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Morning @Former-Member 😄🌷

Would have been nice to stay in bed here today too. Overcast and cool, but should warm up soon.

Collecting hubbys ashes from crematorium this morning. Taking them to funeral directors then, to trf ashes into urn I chose yesterday. Also bought two small keepsake urns which I will give to his son and daughter. Up to them if they decide to keep or scatter.

So I think it will be an emotional day, bringing him home.🌹

Love the hippie car pic. 🌻

Hi also @Anastasia @Eve7 @Adge @Faith-and-Hope @Peri @Appleblossom and others who may be around.

Emelia 💞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

ClawdeSenior Contributor02 June 2021, 11:13 am AEST