why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member I always keep 4 X 1L LongLife UHT milk Cartons (in Cupboard).

Transfer to Fridge, when using.

So I virtually never run out of milk....

Use quite a bit, cook up porridge (Oats) with milk for Breakfast.

I changed to UHT Longlife milk (about 25 years ago) - Simply because it's consistently (always) Cheaper than other milk (cartons).

Save about 25 Cents per carton (Sounds miserly).

Mainly because I can store much more Backup milk, which would not fit in Fridge.

My Dad was brilliant with most Handyman & electrical stuff - having taught Electronics at TAFE & High Schools.

Me being very "Challenged" by (with) manual hand-coordination tasks - I'm feel very lost with most of those tasks.

"Make a List for Employment Services Assessment" for possible Access to Disability Employment Service (Job-Search Assistance) - by unknown Doctor on Telephone Tomorrow.

Yes, thanks - I did make a List of impairments & Health Impacts.

Not sure if it will Get me Across the Line.

I was knocked Quite Flat - by NDIS Refusal/ Declined, about 2 weeks ago.

Don't need any more knockbacks - Instead I Require "Yes's" & Affirmative Offers.

Having Fallen through virtually every Criteria Hole "No you Don't meet our Criteria" - I'm virtually expecting yet another knock-back.

They Call that a "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy" (Expect No & you will Get No) etc.

Positive + Uplifing Self-Fulfilling Prophecies would be So Much Better....

Adge

Hi @Adge @Adge - good to see you. Yep, you'll probably miss NDIS this time round, mainly because you had paid work not that long ago (I'm think). Thing is if you can do 16hrs a week - you're employable it seems. I wish it was easier for you - DSP or something... Centrelink even reject psychiatrist's comms sometimes, they're a heartless machine.
We Gotta keep going with the hand we're dealt. See it as God's will or something. Really hard when we have cPTSD & so isolated already.

Is long life milk really cheaper? I know a few people who've shifted to llmilk. I get the real thing now and then, its nicer. Hugzz

@Emelia8 just looking for you. How's your day? Did you get some groceries? I was gonna say to order online for home delivery or pickup but it's probably good to get out the house. And you definately gotta get someone to deliver prechopped wood for your fire. Well, you don't have to.

I unpacked my bar heater this week. Does the job. Anyway, just thinking of you 💙💗💙💗💙💗💙💗

Hello @Former-Member sending you love x

@Emelia8 ^^^

Tag playing up for @Former-Member above x

Hi @Former-Member

As I’ve had repeated Knock-backs, Refusals & “You were Not Successful”’s (eg NDIS Application) – I was expecting another one.

I did not wish to create another Negative “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” – eg “Past Refusal = Future Refusal”.

My ESAt Assessment (via Telephone) was successful – I’ve been Approved for Disability Employment Services.

The Benchmark was being Deemed Unable to work more than 15 to 22 hours per week (she said).

She said that I can increase that, or work to increase the number of hours that I can work.

But In Order to Qualify for Disability Employment Job Search Assistance – I had to be deemed Currently Unable to Sustain Working more than 15 to 22 hours per week.

The Assessing Doctor Recommended that I should Apply for the Disability Support Pension ($$ Income Support) – Which is an Entirely Different, far more Arduous Process.

@Former-Member Just checking in with you Hon Off to bed myself now but will try to check in tomorrow.

Hugs (((( @Former-Member ))))

Hi and thanks for dropping by @Zoe7 @Adge @Anastasia @@ & all. Baby steps re system Adge - hope something works in your favour soon. Today I nearly bought something from gumtree but a window of clarity came over me "what the hell to you want that for! ... You're supposed to be scaling down to a bedsitter size aren't you? besides, you got to save for rent rise... ." And then I actually got brave enough ring and cancel pickup, and apologise :face_with_rolling_eyes: Normally I follow through but I'm learning it's ok to change my mind...

Feeling 'adrift' today (?disassociating from isolation) but did shower and spend couple hours on the van. Georgia tried out her bed under the bed, stayed in there for ages so that will work well. Attacked the kitchen in the back of the van today. Attached a board at back to create another on the top of tallboy, and ridge at the front to hold things in pace. Kinda coming together. Rather do that than the dishes lol. Still waiting on dr to get the heart tests back re driving... had apt tomorrow but they rang today to reschedule to Friday 😕 sheesh, wouldn't want to be dying here lol that's two week wait to get results, she's always booked out, and palpitations seem worse. Guess if critical they have a duty of care to get me in. Doctors are human too.

Hope you're all ok 💗💙💗💙💗

I'm not sure if it's rational but I'm really wondering if my son (and everyone) are just better off without me.

I've had some rude things said to me

- you're rediculous!
- why don't you just take a damn painkiiller! (when I grabbed my back getting out of chair)
- "getchya damn ears checked..." if I ask what?

"just do it properly next time"
- "nothing good comes from your home town"
- "you're an idiot for marrying him"
"You're delusional!"
"You're paranoid!"

"go the hell out more! you're agoraphobic"
...

the list goes on, repeating over and over in my mind today.
- i worry settling back into a church or any support group will throw a shadow over them... Bad things seem to happen to people around me
- I'm thinking I should stay away from people to protect them. Remember that saying "everything I touch seems to turn to mud"

It's so contrary to my faith these thoughts, the solitude I live, this world of money... removing the human side... so much anger & division... The only live I see is in small children and my dog. We think we're helping others, but the tools we use are broken... I'm realising just how broken and useless I am after spending time helping my family in Sydney and how most of them see me (through their eyes). They clearly have little understanding of MI or belief in recovery. They can't see past my two major depressive hospitalisations (1986 & 2011 - both after major loss). Of cause, if they think that... then no wonder they didn't want me moving into help mum and dad 😢 It just seemed the logical thing to do at the time 😟 And frankly, I did good. And if compared to the siblings... I showed love and put action into my words.

But

Even the good we do gets trod in mud...

what is the Point in recovery, healing, in trying a comback? over and over... with the same trainreck

When I think of the stupid things I did after my girl died and how not one family member visited me during my x6wk hospital admission that year... Says it all I guess. Stupid if me to expect otherwise when I went down to them 5yrs later. Can't help but think they WANTED me to die, maybe still do.

So, I've locked the doors and staying the hell away from everyone today.

HaHa, accept you guys sorry. Guess I'm seeking out alternative perspectives (not hugz plz)... Just trying to make sense of it all. I donno.

Sick of the phone, emails, texting... it's my life, but its not real. Gonna shove it in a drawer, find who I am, I donno...

Hearing you @Former-Member

No solutions to offer, but I care a whole lot. Will get back to you after some further thought. Brain in stall mode here lately.

Long meeting with solicitor yesterday re probate, estate issues, etc. And organising to collect H's ashes, because I cant make a decision where to have him lay in rest. An urn for now, and decision deferred.

I have so much admiration and respect for you @Former-Member ... please dont ever change the fundamentals of who you are.

Emelia 💗