@Former-Member ... I hope you managed to get some rest earlier, and perhaps even did some work on the treadmill afterwards. I've never had a treadmill and never really used one, which is why I have not posted to your other thread or enquiries about treadmills. I just dont know. But I think exercise in general ... dont overdo it, and build up your workload slowly.
Thank you ... saying that my brother is lucky to have me to confide in. He has done a lot of that over the 5 years since Ems death, some long phone conversations in that time. It affects me too, because I was very close to Emma, so its been a very difficult and often emotionally painful situation. But when I think about what my brother went through (and you, with your daughter) ... I feel that listening to another's pain, torment and feelings of self blame, is the least I can do. As my brother said ... regarding the freak accident which killed his daughter ... there is nobody to blame than him. He was driving. He will live with that guilt for the rest of his life, even though it is totally unfounded and wrong. And you too are living with a sense of guilt. You shouldnt. You did nothing wrong, from all that you have said ... in fact you did everything right. There really was no more you could have done.
To live with the thought that you were in any way to blame for what was a tragic unavoidable event, must be absolute torture. I know it is for my brother. Always in the back of your mind ... could I have done more, what more could I have done, what if I'd done this or that, what if I had left home just a little bit later ... so many things that must come into your mind all the time when triggered. But I assure you ... and I know this because I know you well enough to know ... you did everything you could. You loved your daughter and would have done anything for her. Thats all you can ever do ... you did enough. The rest was just a dreadfully tragic event which was not in your control. Please stop punishing yourself. 😔💔
I am so sorry that you never had the support you needed and deserved at the time, nor since, from family members. I guess they were hurting too, but that is no excuse.
My brother's wife ... outwardly she is one strong lady. After the accident ... her daughter was dead and her husband lay in hospital with life threatening injuries. She had two young teenaged boys to look after. She has support from a psychologist, but is mostly a very private person. She has a trauma history herself .. with an uncle abusing her when she was a child. Its pretty amazing really, how she has come through as well as she has. Yes thats right ... Emma was their only daughter and the youngest child. The two boys were 3yrs and 5yrs older. She was the longed for daughter they both adored. Then they lost their unborn daughter almost 2 years ago ... another tragedy for them. Afterwards, my brother wanted to foster a child, but his wife has so far objected to that.
I've never thought of grief as feeling like fear. Its probably different for everyone .. and is likely affected by the circumstances of the particular loss. When I think of the loss of my Mum for example ... I just feel a deep sadness. When I think of Ems ... there are additional emotions in play ... anger, confusion, distress for her and my brother, and like a deep pain in my midst. I think its to do with the fact that Mum was elderly, and death is pretty normal at her age. Even though she died of complications from breast cancer, and was so terribly sick in the end, she had lived a good life. Em on the other hand ... she was 11yo ... she had barely begun to live ... she had so much potential and so much living to do ... she was so bright bubbly ... so alive! And she was taken in a split second .... so quick, so shocking, so unexpected.
Death of young ones never make sense @Former-Member ... and no amount of thinking or turturing yourself will ever allow it to make any sense. There is no rhyme nor reason to it. Yes ... only the good are taken young, so they say. Damn it ... and here I was thinking I'd be taken early! I expect therefore, that I have a long life still ahead of me. EOR you can hug your girl in your heart every single day, until such time as you join her up there in your heaven .. but only when your natural time comes. You still have things to do here. You have your son. He loves you and he needs you. And EOR ... I love that you spoke to God and He said to you with regards to taking your lfe ... "its not yours to take". I'm glad you see it that way. Yes life is hard, but its not negotiable.
Did you read back on your old posts, perhaps from this time last year? It could prove helpful for you to do so.
Anyway .. sorry for the long post. I hope you are feeling less triggered tonight. I remain here for you EOR.
And thanks @Anastasia for the love, light and hugs from earlier.
Emelia 💞
