why can't I cope longer?

Yes thats very true @Former-Member ... the lead up always seems to be worse. Actually there is nothing rational about PTSD. I guess I'm not coping because there are additional things to add to the usual mix for me this year. Its been a really hard few months up to now. Then it all hits you, like ... February is only next month. So close. And so much happening in the lead up to that. 3 weeks of radiation starts next week. Then GP apt because he contacted me and wanted to see me. Then the oncologist the following week. Then I have my psych the day after that, and a dentist apt the following week. And in between all that I have hubbys apts as well. He sees his neurologist next month and its an important one, given his deterioration.

Ahhhh EOR .. the toxic little white pills ... they're horrible. No ... side effects not improving. More added. I dont know if I can keep taking them. Yes, thats how I am looking at things ... a week's respite with hubby being away. Even though I will be having daily cancer treatment, it will be much easier not having to care for him at the same time.

My Mum was pretty special .. I am very lucky. She was a very loving caring funny strong gutsy and intelligent lady. I miss her very much.

Good night EOR. Love you.

Emelia 💞

Oh @Former-Member I dont know what to say to any of that, and feel at a loss and very inadequate as a result.

I know one very important thing though ... you are a good woman.

Okay, so Ive made that cuppa you wanted. Delivering it to you now. We can sit and talk if you like, and maybe we can test out that treadmill of yours afterwards.

Im listening and caring @Former-Member so please keep talking, if thats helpful to you. Can I give you a big hug right now? No words from me, just love understanding and deep compassion for you. 😔🌸🌹

Emelia 💞

Hey @Former-Member I have few words today but listening and hearing you 💖💖💖💖💖

Thanks Em, you understand much, and going through so much yourself... I don't wanna add to you pain. Please don't let me burden you 💞

Think This pic describes why I htbernate from everyone... the bit of me exposed to the world is hard to maintain,... exhausting actually... keeping people 'at ease' and safe from what's uneernewth... It's hard... i Theres no help, not really... I can't put it in people, the memories hurt, but seen as trivial (nonsense) events blown out of proportion by grief.... so there! that's sorted, they think - not! I carried her my womb, nursed her, cried forher, clothed, fed and loved her, protected her, worried myself sick....

She'd never been to hospital. All the asmatics i nursed in hospital, and my girl wasn't given one admission to highlight the severity of her asthma, no, not once, WHY! If we knew for sure, and not had my maternal instincts trampled under foot by arrogant medicos... what ifs!... she'd be alive. It takes a village to raise a child (or supposed to) so, guess I'm not solely to blame. Neither am I "a good woman" (whatever that is), I'm just me, trying to get through each day without someone hurting me...

Dear @Former-Member 💔😔

I dont interpret it like that at all. I see it more as being that nobody knows what to say. And possibly also that not a lot of people are around right now to respond.

I have never had children 😔 so can never really know what its like to lose a beloved child. My brother has though and, like you, he wrongly blames himself for the death of his young pre-teen daughter. A number of times he has heartbreakingly opened up to me about the what ifs, the whys. But at the end of the day, he did nothing wrong and had no way of somehow changing the course of history/fate.

You both had a young dearly loved gorgeous innocent young daughter snatched from your life.

I cannot imagine anything worse than that EOR. I hear and feel your continuing pain. I know you did all you could for her, all that was humanly possible.

Please take heart in your faith, and know that it was your Gods will to take your girl to become another angel. I hope my little niece is up there with your daughter. And I hope they are both watching over you.

I wish I could help @Former-Member ... but I really dont feel equipped to. But I am holding you close and I care very much for you. Im listening and I hear you.

@Anastasia 💜

Emelia 🌷🌻

Hello @Emelia8 @Former-Member

I am not across this sorry. I am at work. I will read back and reply then. I do subscribe to this thread EOR but I choose not to get emails as I do not want my boy to ever come across my posts. It's a tricky balance that I have to work around so it does mean I have to go to people's threads and if I am not tagged it can take longer... and some days I can't do the rounds. I do love you and I do care talk soon x