why can't I cope longer?

Well @Adge,vthevRedFaced Parrott Finch sure l has the Christmas colours. Love the light green, wow. I
Adge, i reckon you should write a Children's book with different bird characters, finches, different clans... be a best seller 😊👍

I went up A&E - ECG was normal so must just be nerves.

I just realised why the world's going to the dogs...
Our solar system is having a rare inter planetary lineup. Historically associated with major historical events. Something tells me we haven't seen the half of it yet. Oh well, nice knowing yas all lol

Trying to do the dishes atm, brokebout in a sweat and had to laydown again, Sheesh, I'm really outa shape. Really scatty brain but guess I've got a load of washing done and put away groceries, fixed tv reception (can spell aireal lol), and answered a couple of long phone calls, sigh.
Wanted to be completed organised by now to relax tomorrow, but that's not gonna happen. Not that there's much to do I guess, it's just me,vim just scatty

You're right @Adge, and understand. Maybe something had happened with us at Christmas when webwerevkittlevtoi, something suppressed. I just can't enjoy Christmas, I want to, but can't.
Carole's in the Domain isvavfavourite of mine, helps get me in the spirit, but watching tonight,vwith the bigbfocus on kdz,band a 13yr old just did a big solo 😭 Been teary the whole time. My throats closing up.
Anyway
My son just replied to my tx with ph call. Said he's coming up Christmas Eve now, forbthe night, without the cat, who his house guest will look after. So we'll have a 24hr window. op po, that's tomorrow, I gotta figure out extra couple of nice meals, to be honest, I don't wanna do anything, it's gonna be sooooooo hard to be joyous for him that long now, I was so fawlawn that he virtually cancelled, now it back on, oh dear, Betta go finish those dishes, tidy up. At least I got washing done. Boo whoo, i'm sorry, cying my eyes out here, so many mixed feelings. Oh what am I apologising for? You can't see me.
Glad you like the Chrissy Birdy 🍒🍒🍒🍒

I'm not really glad anymore

I watched the Carols too 😢 Are you ok? Fussing for Christmas? I'm done with fussing, strugglinf enough just to keep tidy let alone be creative.

I think the part of us most impacted by Mental Illness is creativity, and that's happening...

What's hard with my son is ANYTHING he sees as 'negative' he feels the need to challenge / criticise, I'm not sure I can handle any more putdowns. Doesn't help that I'm sensitive, and so is he.

I'm already hurt by his attitude with coming home for Christmas, how he just flips me off, then dictates "this is what's happening for Christmas"

He doesn't know the new friend I met the other day did invite me to her lunch... or 8am Church service with her. I was gonna do the church thing, since son wasn't coming 'till lunch (and only lunch), but now that's not on now...

guess I've always been available for him.

But I finally put my finger on what else is really hurting at the moment...

My son's step sister doesnt like me. She is staying with him in Brisbane as he's wonderful enough to accommodate her while their biological father is on death door in hospital...

They're fussing' over their the man who destroyed my (their selfish 'dad'), along with his current 'bit' & her family... :face_with_rolling_eyes: ...
Anyway,

Two days ago when my boy cancelled coming for Christmas and I suggested he could leave his stepsister to housesit for a night or two, spend Christmas with her dad... while he came here... well, He jumped down my throat with a growl "I'm not leaving her" he firmly said, assuming my suggestion had some hurtful agrnda ted her I suspect 😟

But, 😢 what I heard him saying was that he didn't really want to be with me, not even for Christmas, and he's finally found an excuse to get out of it. Also, he was saying he'd "gladly leave me alone for christmas" and without a blinking an eye.
I feel emotionally abused and shutting down.

- Can't even attract love from my son who I've given my all
- My all never seems good enough
- i don't understand why I'm less important

Ya know, when my girl died and I spent x6 weeks in hospital, fighting for my life (major depressive episode / grief), that whole six weeks in hospital that year, NOT ONE RELATIVE VISITED ME. Not even my son who had shacked up with his girlfriend, a fellow uni student, psychology major... she knew better... And yes, i do know my 21yr old son was also in the throes of grief from losing his only sibling and I wasn't there for him either... he couldn't handle my being suicidal, i hated that I was not more for him too, hated myself.
Anyway, none of them could handle it, me, my breakdowns... They ALL just left me to die.

I wondered later, How did the MH nursing staff interpret that? What kind of a 'monster' must they presume me to be to be treated this way by my own?

I felt so alone and vulnerable, not one could step outside themselves for me, not even briefly. It confirmed my worst fears, added to the grief and loss already crushing me, and they couldn't even see it.
Oh boy, some unfinished baggage triggered there (any wonder I'm feeling so paralysed).
Anyway, my x seems to be attracting so much undeserved attention I was not entitled to.
And, my boy is currently putting his step-sisters needs above mine... evident since the other day when he jumped down my throat at the suggestion he could trust her to housesit for him, rather than cancel coming home... I was left hanging for two days untill he changed his mind yesterday.

I've got so much to do, just can't,
felt like fainting after brekky and gone back to bed
Oh help!
He's coming in a few hours
I don't want him to see me like this
He's got too much to deal with with his dad

I'd ction my scde plan if it wasn't Christmas and his birthday in a couple of weeks

Please pray I can function enough to make Christmas ok for my boy 😭

Oh God... I'm a mess
sobbing, help me,
Thanks for listening here too, i Betta go wash up, take headache pill, clear the table... 😟😞😢😭nononono...