why can't I cope longer?

Lots going on there for you @Former-Member a lot of which I can certainly relate to. Take gentle care of yourself hugs

@Former-Member ... what a beautiful post! I had tears in my eyes as I read that. You have so much insight and wisdom. I'm sorry that you have a couple of birthdays these coming weeks which clearly bring a great deal of heartache to you.

Sorry to hear also that you have some medical investigations happening ... I pray that you get good results from the CT scan next week. But I certainly understand your concern over it.

I know this is brief, and there is so much more I could and should say. But I am a little short on words lately. I really wanted you to know that I hear you, I care and I support you. Sending much love your way, especially as you grieve your daughter over coming weeks. She would have been 23? Wow ... I'm sure she would have been just like her Mum ... a loving, giving, kind and insightful soul.

Emelia 🌸

Feeling your pain @Former-Member

I’m short on words today ❤️😢❤️

Ooooo @Former-Member

There is so much truth in what you write.

Hearing you about wanting to go to Heaven.

Yes, about light hearted and deep and meaningful. We need both. For our own sanity, maturity, understanding and insight, but also to negotiate the many moments making up daily social intercourse.

Some people find it difficult to move between them. I did. Mostly I learned the lighter side as a part of work rather than socialising with friends. Greeting and paying attention. I see it as a form of healing that I can keep my D&M side to myself and part of being professional. It can also be part of self care, as we learn to choose who to share with, and we also benefit from the moments of feeling good and in control of our feelings. Of course at times it will be very raw and very prominent. I still do not have much wriggle room where I can actually choose how much to share, as all the big things are sitting close to the surface. Then I am a bit of a blurter. I am consciously working on putting up bouandaries and resisting others questions or managing them without being rude and leaving openings.

I see the friends bit, as pretty immature and childish like the show. Not really meaning a person is better because they collect more friends. They may have been concentrating on the accumulation of friends more than doing what their intimate relationships may need... or working to impress socially rather than being a deeper person. I would have liked more friends, but it is what it is. Recently I found myself going into placating mode, which is my danger, if I go too far along that path I compromise myself. Eg., Being nice to the husband of a friend who I found to be rude, ignorant, aggressive and obnoxious. People who are too confident about the friends side of things usually are not aware of the social privileges they grew up with.

Good Luck with the medical result.

I do not find anything you wrote to be too heavy. To me it seems natural and congruent with who we are and also our age in life. Good God, we should not have to pretend at our age. It feels validating to have real conversations about real experiences instead of silly competitions about success and rubbish. You also can be upbeat. I think you have found a balance. You are one of the few people I had fun with being silly at a forum New Year party ... lol

My son is fobbing me off too. Dont personalise it too much. They are trying to be MEN. Mothers crowding around cramp their style. I write that, but of course in my heart I wish my loving received more respect, and I mourn for my girl too, but know she is being the best version of who she is. Part of the problem there was I socialised her very well, but had not much access to her one to one. I was guilt tripped so much and confused about her and the step/foster girl. It can make me VERY angry when I think how much effort I put into the step/foster having access to her natural family, but best not too fuel my anger. It exists. I try and use it as a fuel for social change. It hurts my neck, so even I do not want to feel it too much.

Maybe because I am used to being a lone a lot, I do not do big daily catch ups on the forum. Live your life for as long as it is given to you.

Cheers Apple

@Appleblossom 👍💕

Thank you @Emelia8 @Eve7 @Bow @@Appleblossom Appreciate the support, feeling alone here. That's a lovely image poem re my girl Emelia8. - hit the spot.

My son returned my call yesterday, he was snappy from a difficult work project and indicated he actually DOES want to see me. Sounds like we might have locked in a visit for my girls B'day week, to go place flowers for her and enjoy our favourite family meal of old. Always a maybe though.

Still in bed pondering, flat but ok. Had a blackout last night the dark frightens me but luckily I could put my hands to candles and matches easily. // Got radiology confirmation tx this morning, for tomorrow. The mind is powerful, I felt discomfort in the spot the minute I think about it. Probably one of those things I'll just have to keep having checked every year. I can still walk the block so can't be too serious. // No SI this morning which is nice, probably 'faise I finally let someone know - lightens the burden.... // Accept my poor dad is back in hospital with 3rd chest infection in 6months :(. 'cause unskilled ain's don't know how to sit him up properly for meals, and not taught the importance of maintaining independence. Wish I never put him there. But also, think he's given up. I'm too far to visit now and have to just pray for him & all the hurtful family there. Its all too much. What should I do? Its so wrong that I'm not there.

Sorry to harp on about myself, and hope you guys are holding up. You too @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Adge and so many beautiful souls here.

"Life is difficult

But not impossible"

hang in there!

My furbaby is getting between me & screen (cute 😊) so best go feed her.

Take care 💕

@Former-Member

Good luck with scan.

There is no single right way, and negotiating stuff for your dad was hard. Sad they dont know what best practise is. You probably did the best thing, as to stay in toxic situation would have drained you completely. He is getting some care.

Love your furbaby moment. Mine were like that. Yesterday his ashes arrived so I have him back in the house for a while.

Thinking of you today @Former-Member

💙💚💙

Good luck for tomorrow @Former-Member I really hope it goes well and there is no cause for concern.

Sorry to hear about your Dad also - it must be so very hard for you being so far away and not being able to do anything. That is no way for anyone to be treated - it is supposed to be a place of care not the continual worry you have with how he is being cared for ...so very, very sorry both you and your Dad are dealing with all this.

Good news though about your son - I hope the plans work out and you can both celebrate the life you had with your daughter (and sister) together in her birthday week. No doubt that will be a very hard time for you also so reach out if you need the support