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Something’s not right

why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thinking of you @Former-Member

Hearing you and hoping that today went as ok as it can 💞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I survived today - had a panic attack during scan 😟 felt like being crushed on the neck, ripped open my gown, had to have break. But got another pillow and endured second go,vwith contrast discomfort. Couldn't get it there quick enough. At least he got vein 1st go. Ah, did I say I was late and had near kiss car event coming home. Been in bed since. Waiting for on hone call from dr re results. ? tomorrow. If I was still enough.... Have to take sedative in future. Just did to switch off, dbl dose.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Glad you made it home minus the kiss.

A big ordeal. Will keep you in my thoughts. Praying for good results tomorrow @Former-Member x

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Dear @Former-Member ... sorry to hear of your panic attack during your scan. Its one thing I really do not have a problem with are CT Scans nor MRIs. But my husband does ... he has to be under anaesthetic in order to have MRIs, due to his severe claustrophobia. Anyway I'm glad you finally got through it the second time around. Just hope that the Scan comes through okay (not too much movement) and you dont have to go through all that again.

Oh dear, that could have been disasterous with the near miss with another car on your way home. Thank goodness you're okay. LIttle wonder you had to retire to bed after such a traumatic day with scans and near misses.

How are you feeling today? Any call from your Dr about results yet?

Hi @Anastasia @Eve7 @Appleblossom

Emelia 💖

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks for caring @Emelia8 - checking in @ and so soon after your own surgery. Are you ok? I've been checking your thread. How long will you be in hospital? Receptionist rang, booked me in for apt tomorrow re scan results. Hope I didn't move too much. Feeling really down since panic yesterday. Seems to be getting worse. I even cried out "get me out of here! please! please! please! get me out of here!!!" How embarrassing! Don't wanna go through that again. Technition snapped at me "let's get this done!" he said. Then he checked himself and got nice. Thanks for

for sharing what your hubby goes through. Its more common than we know. Esp '/c MRIs. Is he a war vet or something? I hate that they think we choose to panic. I hate that I lose control. Its so embarrassing. I couldn't get out of there. At home I reposition myself to handle aches and pains and nightmares or apnoea,

Mixed bag of emotion yesterday. My friend here became a grandmother yesterday. Had to push down my stuff to be happy for her. And my dad's in hospital asking to go home apparently 😟😢 Had to sake barbiturates last night. But they're not good for me. Guess we both need to rest today. Lots of self care 💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member , it sounds like we both need lots of self care right now. I am home from hospital, but feeling pretty awful.

Yes my hubby is a Vietnam Veteran, 20 years as a Navy diver. And now he gets claustrophobic. Go figure! But he did have some pretty awful experiences on diving recovery missions, things like downed submerged planes etc. He tells me stories sometimes. Its really horrible.

I had a similar experience yesterday with the xray technician which I had to see just prior to my surgery. She was grumpy, bossy and not at all nice to me. I think she was having a bad day. But no worse than my own, so I was not very happy with her either. She kept telling me to do things I simply was not capable of doing with a wire through my breast. Twist this way, bend that way, poke yourself in a little tighter etc. And she really wasnt explaining herself very well. Get closer, step this way, that way. I'm sure I wasnt taking things in as well as I should have, but really she was quite nasty. In the end I started crying, told her I was trying to do what she asked. And she was a little more compassionate after that. Like I said .. no doubt she was having a bad day. But in doing so, she was making a highly stressful day for me ... even worse. We both got there in the end, and she got the pictures she wanted. Its just that my tumour is way up near the armpit and its really hard to get it all in the machines for pictures. Not easy for her or for me. Especially as I said ... when you have to be careful not to move the wire which was inserted only half an hour beforehand.

Yes indeed ... lots of self care needed ... and I hope you get that. Still waiting for your pic, so will come back later.

Emelia

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

😞

@Emelia8

@Former-Member

Some health "professionals" are down right nasty. Sending you love and hugs and more hugs

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Good News! CT scan report showed this lung nodule has shrunk (immune system kicking in I guess 😁) Thanks for your support @Anastasia @Emelia8 @Zoe7 @Adge @@Appleblossom @Eve7

Quick flyby as visitor coming 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Great news @Former-Member 👍😃💝

Enjoy your visit. 🌷

Emelia 🌸

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks for sharing your good news @Former-Member

💙💜💙

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