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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor20 Oct 2020, 10:12 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Adge

@Former-Member

I have a sense of what you mean. Inner and outer worlds. Soul and home.

I think they are experimenting. It is not necessarily bad to do that, but we ought to know if we are in a trial, and there are usually protocols and ethics committees. A lot depends on the vulnerability of the person. Sadly my family was more vulnerable than most. For a decade or 2 it was all about getting them to talk about it.

I have also had the word "retraumatising" dropped on me by a youngish 40s psychologist, who did not seem to want to do "the work" with me. That was her right, but she should have admitted it and referred me on, rather than deliberately abuse me in the guise of "giving me feedback". That happened in April. Most unprofessional. They dont get to take taxpayers dollars and do that. I sing now. Loud and clear.

Hope you guys keep looking after yourself. I had a good day, but just triggered as I discussed another unsatisfactory issue and made decision to report and cease seeing that support wkr. The one who called my son and I "nutter" among other things. Was bugging me for about 5 weeks. Both Gp and friend said: Not acceptable.

All we need is basic respect.

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor20 Oct 2020, 10:17 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh Hugs ((( @Former-Member )))

Yes DSM Labels are constricting & damaging (also socially stigmatising) for people.

Plus pharmaceuticals - actually cause far more damage than good, quite often.

My NSW friend now has serious long-term physical illnesses, & physical body-damage - directly (only) caused by decades of prescribed MI medications.

Sorting through belongings that remind us of people who have gone, is so hard - especially close people.

I'm sorry....

I'm overwhelmed, have been for all of today - because of Job Contacts & Applications.

It's all come at once, & it was too much.

Group Info Session, Manual Handling exercises, then Job Interview tomorrow morning (Wednesday).

For a Disability Job that is far too stressful, & they insist that I drive about 100Km per day (to & from work, & between clients) - I cannot do that, & really should not take the jobe, even if they offer it to me.

So feeling trapped (Damned if I do, Damned if I don't) is causing me a lot of stress.

I have some urgent health problems that I need to see the Dr about - I keep putting it off, because I feel overwhelmed (don't want to deal with it).

Have a Good night, hope you sleep well.

I will try to respond more to what you said - when I climb out of this Black Hole (overwhelm) Deep Pit.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor20 Oct 2020, 10:21 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yes @Appleblossom You deserve respect, most definitely.

No-one needs to be called a Nutter - Not appropriate.

I've been called that, & worse things - Ironically by Aggro Violent people (who were actually Nutters, if appropriate).

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Oct 2020, 10:45 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Adge - you'll be ok, govobtge interview (to keep Centrelink happy) and tell organisation you'll require accommodation at there cost. Clearly 100km a day is two far to travel. Maybe they expect you to move. They do that. They don't care about the birds and home you've set up. Ya gotta get some medico backup here Adge. If the d says 100k travels beyond you then..m that will help. Its hard with cPTSD - lacking that 'sense of self' (what you need, how to express it), your rights. I think it's so disrespectful / unreasonable they expect this from you. Remind you of something? I so relate to that 'confused' feeling and know where it comes from. Its not from God and a sure sign to back up. Adge, JUST SAY "NO! that job won't do" (end of story.. Wait for something better, the right job for you my friend. Patience 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Oct 2020, 10:53 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Appleblossom, I'm glad you resolved the "nutter" situation. How can they expect us to "trust" them when they refer to us in derogatory terms. Aweful! She needs go get a job in a pub or something, not with vulnerable hurting people liking up to her. No, stuff her! I'm glad you've walked away. Someone better will come eventually, you'll see. 💙💙💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Oct 2020, 1:17 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Adge @Former-Member

Thanks.

I dont respond to bad words to me at the time. I have strong, "wait and think about it first" instincts.

I had a coffee date yesterday with a fellow wanting to start a dance band. I might join him. He has ideas how to it social distancing.

This morning a Landcare chappie delivered some indigenous plants and we had a lovely chat.

I do know the difference between normal decent conversation and the other ....

My back and neck pain is difficult, but physio session yesterday was excellent. Need to keep moving, which is why I started gardening ...

Hope you are both doing well. Well enough ... As well as Possible.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember22 Oct 2020, 3:10 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Appleblossom, I'm ok enough. Got more done this last week than I have in quite a while.
Sounds exciting this new band. So glad you're gonna give it a go.
Do you think the current weather changes has affected our pain re arthritis atm? My bones know when the rain is coming the day before.
Proud of myself today, I finished with the storage unit today, cleared it / empty. the end of a 18yr chapter in that small town. (Good bye - you served us well) enough). I dropped off things @ charity shop, and a load at the tip... and dropped off the keys.
That last load might still be in my car but it's all in one place now. I've been scattered all over the countryside this last 2-3yrs so yep, getting my house in order, and there's healing on that.
Good Night 💙💙💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor22 Oct 2020, 5:58 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Great progress @Former-Member 👍

You have achieved a lot ... well done. 😄🌺⭐

Emelia 💞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember23 Oct 2020, 7:31 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh boy, woke up HEAVY this morning, high pitch ear whistles. No energy but gotta empty van. Head rehashing ph convo with 'friend' (1.5hr drive away) who tells me she's on tail end of 3wk holiday. I'm taken back that she hasn't found the time to visit me (now I'm closer) since the excuse always was her work. And I should have visited her I guess. She reckons she told me (messes with my head) but i would have remembered that. SEEMS FRIENDS REALLY DO DROP OFF. Phone calls don't cut it for me anymore. Funny how the brain rehashed every bad thing they've said and done at times like this. I don't know if to tell her how I feel or block the bit I get. Everyone's fading away and there's nothing I can do about it 😢

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember23 Oct 2020, 11:41 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Maybe visit them more, if I thought they wanted me People🤔 They get seem to get use to you not being around and move on, when you've lived far away or withdraw with blackdog a lot, I guess. So be it. I can't control the priorities others choose. Trying to enjoy life without people - not easy 4me, but normal at my age I'm told, no matter.

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