why can't I cope longer?

It will be like Christmas for you @Former-Member and such a great effort getting the vanload into the garage - that is some hard work you have done today - bet you are tired now.

I had Toby at the vet today getting his two back teeth out and also the GP. I am going back to work on Monday and I must say I really need it. My pdoc was really concerned that if I did not go back next week that I would head down that dark path again and not go back at all (and I tend to agree with her because I can feel that slide already happening) - so getting the all clear today is a good thing.

Cat's lymphoma diagnosis was confirmed today with the further tests so she starts chemo meds tomorrow. Whilst we cannot foresee the future, the vet has said we have caught it super early and she has known many cats to live for years longer with the treatment - so hoping Cat is in that category.

All in all - a bit numb to the world at the moment - it is just too much and I need to not think or I know I will completely fall apart - so numb it is.

Hi @Former-Member I was totally wiped out for most of today, from yesterday's effort.

Yes I have fatigue conditions (Sleep Apnea, Chronic fatigue, CPTSD-related fatigue) - yet overdoing it always costs me.

I did several job applications today.

I do like movies - especially Romance (Chick Flicks), Fantasy & Sci-Fi.

No I have not watched any movies, for ages - yes should enjoy something.

I even bought myself Finding Nemo (on DVD) several weeks ago, yet have not watched it yet.

I don't know what I'm gona have for Dinner yet - I'm finding absolutely everything unapetising.

So eating enough is a challenge - because I don't want to eat it.

Probably means I need to change my menu options - not get or cook the same thing.

I had a Dream of my Childhood S Abuser (last night) - he forced his way into my house, & would not leave (typical of him). That Beeep....A.....H.....L....has even worked his way into my dreams.

Very hard to avoid this person, as he is my Cousin.

My brothers have all kept in close contact with him - despite my having told them of the SA (by him).

That Really Hurts....

Talk about Invalidation.

At my Dad's Funeral, my brother tried to make me come with him & my Cousin (Childhood A) to his place.

I said: "No I cannot come with him, & You know why" - Yet received no Response, no acknowledgement (whatsoever) for what I had just said.

My brothers are all in Denial, so is my Mum - Yes I told her too.

Only my Dad acknowledged & supported me, when I told him - he's gone.

The Positive Aspect of the Dream is that there was a Woman (I don't know who) - Who was sitting next to me, Fully Supporting & Agreeing with me - when I told A to Go Away (Leave).

So I take that to Mean that - Support is Available for me, I will not be left alone to Deal with Abusive people (by myself).

I wasn't meaning to get too Deep or Serious - It's just that I don't have Dreams very often, & often don't remember them.

So this meant something....

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Dinner is now Sorted @Former-Member Thanks for your Motivational Input.

Your mentioning "What's for Dinner"? Got me to work on it.

Toasted Sandwiches - with my pre-cooked Vegies, a bit of Fish & some Tuna Mornay (in the Sandwiches).

I Re-Discovered my Toasted Sandwich-Maker, a few days ago - after not having used it, for several years.

I discovered that if I put my Healthy Vegies etc in a Sandwich & Toast it - it tastes Yummy, & I will Definitely Eat it.

Instead of looking at my healthy pre-cooked vegies etc - & thinking "Yuk, not tasty, I'm sick of that, don't want to eat it".

So that works, for the moment....

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Thanks @Former-Member I did ok today. Sometimes I think I’m a bit too real on here but that’s who I am. Thanks for your acceptance. Take care.

💕💕💕

Yeah getting back to work is directed by pdoc but she also wants to talk about how we can move forward with better quality of life for me too - that is next visit. It has been a hell of a year and I am still here so that is a positive in all this. Pdoc can see me heading backwards though and knows work is what I need to give me some purpose and motivation to get up each day. My babies of course do that too but I can't live my life just for them.

Toby is doing well. Took a couple of goes to get him to take his tablets this morning but we got there. I actually forgot to put them in hus food so will do that tomorrow morning. Cat's meds have turned up so need to get them from the vet this afternoon sometime. They do not close until 7pm so I have a bit of time.

Hearing you @Former-Member and sending you a whole heap of love and some gentle squishy hugs