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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember14 Oct 2020, 2:03 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Appleblossom - good to see you 💙 something you said the other day keeps coming back to me in contemplation, you said
"I don't believe the world would be a BETTER place without me (you)" and me I guess. Kinda rings true, and is now one of my reasons 'not to' thanks 💙 Glad U heard about Jimmy Barnes story, he speaks son'real' I might get a copy for my brother's for Christmas, or not.
Have you buried the cat? That must be hard 😢 walking with you.
@Adge how was your lunch? You ok?
Hi @Zoe7 are you ok? Have you been able to return to work yet?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 2:22 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Getting there @Former-Member I am going back to work on Monday. My hand is a lot better - just need to be careful with it until it is fully healed. I can have the dressings off while I am not doing anything but need it covered if I am. The biggest problem now is the largest bite site is at the base of my thumb and too much movement hurts a little. That part will take longer to heal but I can use my hand for some things now.

How are you feeling today Hon? I agree very much with @Appleblossom - we are better off with you here with us

A shout out to @Adge too - always love seeing you pop in buddy

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 4:33 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

I have arranged for a cremation.

My backyard is really not big enough 2 metres and the grief and court gardens are not legal re council.

We scattered my other cats ashes at the river.

I hope my son contacts soon. He is not picking up atm. Is a worry but naught to do but wait it out a couple days. His father said he was going to visit him tmrw.

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 7:22 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Former-Member . Sorry for my unload this morning, I just didn’t start well today.

I like most vegetables too and I even manage to grow a few. My appetite is low at present but I am rather proud of my garden with tomatoes, bok choy, capsicums coming through right now along with lots of herbs.

I stay here because of my sons and their children plus I did promise h I would not attempt again. Failed there though.

i hope your day has been good.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 9:56 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thank you @Appleblossom That's lovely.

Thanks @Zoe7 That's lovely too.

Hey @Former-Member Coffee out (seeing friend) was nice, thanks.

We did not have any food, even though it was lunchtime.

I should remind myself to always eat something, especially when out at mealtimes.

Trying to survive the distance on coffee with no food, does not work.

Came home too tired to eat any lunch, then faded away.

Yes I'm okay, thanks - it's just been a Very long day.

A Temp/ Casual Work Provider (Agency) asked me to Register & provide all my details - As soon as I got home.

In case they might offer me some Casual Work shifts.

"Oh it will only take 30 minutes, to do it all Online" (they said) - Almost 3 hours later (late this afternoon), I finally finished.

They wanted me to Upload copies of all my qualifications, my Birth Certificate, Tax File No. - everything.

Plus several exhaustive questionnaires - on "What would I do in this situation", etc, etc.

Their Online system kept on losing all my info (that I just put in) - directing me to the wrong page, etc.

What for? - They have not even offered me any work yet (if they do).

It's all outdoor work (Garden maintenance/ Landscaping etc) - heavy & hot, most likely.

My stamina is very low (these days) - I'm not sure that I can handle that sort of work anymore, even if they do offer me some.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 10:30 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Wow 3 hours for work you may not get and/or may not be able to do @Adge - that is 3 hours of your life you can never get back lol

On a more serious note - I hope you have eaten dinner and can get a good rest tonight. So glad you caught up with your friend after so long. I am catching up with a friend I haven't seen since I finished work last year tomorrow and I am very much looking forward to it. She is a real sweetheart and I miss working with her - we clicked instantly and although I love the school I am now at I really do miss her.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember14 Oct 2020, 10:32 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Adge, glad today went well, though draining in other ways. How come Yas didn't eat? Silly moo! :face_with_rolling_eyes:
Hope they don't try push heavy work onto you. Perhaps get a backup letter from GP saying you can't. Tell them your physical problems. Your last surgery would be a good reason alone for light duties. Try not to worry 💙💙💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember14 Oct 2020, 10:44 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Zoe7 I'm kinda ok thanks. Went to bed early re pain. Over-did-it again today, getting another van load from storage unit. Got the washing machine this time so that will be terrific 😀👍 the boxes of bx are the heaviest. But it all adds up. I grabbed my good office chair, pantry and book shelf too, the bulky stuff. The rest was boxes. Its too much for my 2BR unit so gotta keep tossing stuff... not easy for me.
Anyway,

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 10:50 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Having the washing machine will be wonderful @Former-Member but so sorry you have to get rid of other stuff. That would not be easy for me either - there are so many memories tied up in some of my things. I still have things my grandparents gave me and cannot get rid of any of it. I did do a big cleanout last summer - got stuck into it and took a lot to the Salvos. I kept a few really special things but I know there is still more that could go ...hard though.

I am pleased to hear you have done some things today though - was a bit worried about you

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember15 Oct 2020, 7:34 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Zoe7 thanks, I'm proud of myself today, got the vanload into garage (accept washing machine which'll have to come in the back door and can wait 'till tomorrow. Gonna be like Christmas when I open all these boxes lol. Glad your hand is healing quickly, it's a difficult spot for soft tissue to heal re fine complex and constant movement. Imobalise as much as possible. Those skateboarding hand/wrist bands help imobalise my wrist. What did you do today?
@Appleblossom do you think we'll ever get sector death around us? New grief, even if animals bump into my past grief often, especially when circumstances similar (like dogs heart problems causing breathing difficulties - asthma took my girl, in front of me 😟😢
💜
Is your son answering yet? They break our heart without even trying don't they. Hope he isn't too upset about cat. My son's being aloof atm too, bugz me but ya can't do much about it as you say. Your boy is younger so I'd be concerned too Hugz 🌷
@Eve7 - did you have a better day today? You don't have to apologise for being REAL with me. I prefer you do. 🌷
@Adge - what did you get done today? Have you seen any good movies lately? I just bought the DVD "knives out" whic is supposed to be good.
I'm hearing up curry chicken + rice leftovers for dinner. Been really hungry lately. What are you having?

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