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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor13 Oct 2020, 10:53 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

That's interesting @Former-Member Jimmy Barnes has Scottish blood, eh?

The Young brothers & Bon Scott, who formed ACDC - were Scottish.

Yes we are better off without people who repeatedly disrespect us - because their treatment of us (their behaviour & attitude) damages & reduces our Self-Esteem.

Which then leads us to think or feel that we are Worthless - Not True, & not good at all.

So I definitely agree that you don't want to be dragged down by those toxic people (your siblings) in Sydney. Mine are also in Sydney, by the way....

Unfortunately I already have Low Self-Esteem (yes I'm trying to Build it up).

So when I don't have my brothers, because they won't talk to me, they don't value contact or connection with me - Then I'm left feeling even more isolated & misunderstood.

Funny how I just contradicted myself....

Contact with toxic people lowers our self-esteem (don't do it) - Then, oh but I want to maintain connection & relations with my brothers/ relatives....

Good night & Sleep Tight (& Don't let the Bed Bugs Bite), I hope....

Adge

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor13 Oct 2020, 11:00 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

No - Your Son is Not Better Off Without You @Former-Member Sorry, I've just goto say that.

Many people (or parents) like you, have attempted S - After the tragic loss of a Loved One.

It is not your fault.

I broke my own Very Good Record - of not ever (as an adult), having attempted S.

(January 2019 last year) - to my shame, or at least it feels shameful for me to have done that.

Hugs ((( @Former-Member )))

Adge

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor13 Oct 2020, 11:03 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sorry to hear about your son’s responses @Former-Member That must make life really hard.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember14 Oct 2020, 12:10 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

'Tis what it is @Eve7 - be nice if he rang me back tonight but think he sees me as 'a trigger' for his own distress, even when I work hard at being positive (no matter how fake it feels to be). There's many topics he refuses to disgus. Think he's a bit Asperger's with anger issues, but also very disciplined, almost OCD, focused and successful with uni and work. I've not met any of his friends, and get chipped if I visit him on fb (where I hate to go now)
He's had to be hard on himself, much older parents and no sibling anymore. People hard on themselves are hard on others. I'm sanguine, he's choleric :face_with_rolling_eyes: and we're both melancholy.
Can't remember Eve7, do you have Kidz. or grandkids or live alone?
@Adge - forget d clairvoyant! You don't need that messin' with your head! They prey on lonely vulnerable people. The future is not set in concrete. 🐦💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember14 Oct 2020, 8:08 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Adge - I didn't know (or forget 😞) you attempted S only last year, so sorry things got that bad and I wasn't there for you. I think 'shame' is the worst part of self judgement. Shame and guilt. A constant undercurrent pulling at our feet. Apostle Paul said "therefore there is no condemnation for him who is in Christ Jesus" Romans 8 If we ask forgiveness from the heart God is faithful and just and provided a way fwd because someone else paid the price for us. Why do we keep beating ourselves up (self stigma) - tryin to 'put right the unriitable (is that a word lol) I'll never understand it. But I do know the sense of freedom those moments I bask in God's love for me (for us all) Have you ever walked outside on a cold morning and suddenly felt the goodness of the sunrays on your cold feet? I love that touch from God. I have to remind myself it's ok to stop what I'm doing for 5min and let that goodness penetrate my feet, strengthen my immunity to the decaying world. Not sure why I often deny myself that 5min of healing.
There I go again - rambling.
Betta go make a cuppa, you want one ☕☕☕☕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember14 Oct 2020, 8:11 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Eve7 - you ok? When will you notice if the treatment is helping? I hope it does 💙💙💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 8:28 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member it’s raining here this morning and matches my mood.

I have 2 sons and 5 grandkids. H died a few years ago but I have S1 at home with his 2 toddlers. Life is complicated.

This year isn’t going well for me either and I have made some attempts which makes me ashamed.

I don’t know when this treatment is supposed to work. Just have to hope.

Sorry I’m rather down this morning.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember14 Oct 2020, 12:21 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Think I Understand abbitbof what you feel @Eve7, we just get so sad with it, and the days, they never seem to end. Sorry you've attempted recently too. Not a good legacy to leave our kdz I keep telling myself. Sheesh! we're a sorry bunch times like these. But we have each other hear at leadt., Someone to be 'real' with. What do you find keeps you fighting to stay the most? Its my son for me (though starting to question I have any place in his life in reality - he's busy busy), just me and my mum's furbaby really inherited (who's really pestering me to get off my butt and give her brekky atm :face_with_rolling_eyes:) it's had to find our feet after a breakdown. It does come.
Do you eat enough vegies? I get chronic if not enough vegies. Actually fried up some zucchini the other day, with onion flakes, t'was yum 😋. My other treat is spinach omelette with a sprinkle of onion flakes, maybe cheese or tomatoes. Next you're up to cooking.
I better go feed pup.
Hang in there Eve7 💙💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 12:38 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hope you dont mind if I pop in @Former-Member

Somehow I bumped into the Jimmy Barnes conversation. Lifted my mood temporarily. DId not see special, but might look out for it ... on SBS ...

@AdgeI for one am glad you are still here. I value your courage and intelligence. Hearing you about replicating neglect within religious context.

DOnt know what it is about Sydney ... I am sure some good people live there .. lol ... of course ... but when I visited my brother a lot through 90s and noughties ... it was a madhouse for speed and real estate ... I figured people lost site of the important things trying to put a roof ... or more .... over their heads.

Good to see you all chatting about the very deep, meaningful and lighter things in life.

@Eve7 @Emelia8 @Zoe7

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Oct 2020, 1:30 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Appleblossom @Former-Member @Eve7 @Adge

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