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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor20 Mar 2019, 7:58 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Go the portaloo.

@Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Mar 2019, 11:52 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Haha @Appleblossom you're funny

Found a portaloo at Aldi for $40 √ Have no idea how it will work or be cleaned... Hope to stay in caravan park camping, with share kitchen & amenities, so probably never use it. Unless... well, you know... its complicated... lol

@Zoe7 ... I shall endeavor to keep yas up to date, nice to have someone interested 🙂

Are you having a good week? I'll see if i can find your usual thread & see. Something thats helped my energy a bit and might help you... Ive been taking one of those B-Complex fizzy drinks & add reason mag powder & drink with breakfast. I have to take iron too.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Mar 2019, 7:18 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Mostly the tiredness in the morning is as a result of my night meds @Former-Member I am having them earlier and that seems to be helping somewhat. I already take supplements including vit D and we have reduced one of my night meds. That has resulted in me waking up during the night and more dreams/nightmares so it is still hard to get it all right. My pdoc wants to keep my meds at there current dosage for anoth couple of weeks and see if it all levels out a bit more. I m hoping thst is the case. Just trying to get through each day and get to the school holidays at the moment.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Mar 2019, 2:27 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

It would be great to hear about your van. I especially value practical ladies, though I cannot do that kind of stuff anymore. In last 15 years I have gradually healed as I dug in my roots and discovered my own version of nesting, which is not necessarily Home Beautiful. Homelessness and Nesting can be a delicate path to walk. I also lived in a house but did not feel at home there.

@Exoplanet is a practical person, with a sense of humour too, so I am tagging her to this thread ... you probably can share things ...

Take Care

Apple

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember21 Mar 2019, 3:57 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @Zoe7, that sounds horrible, juggling mood altering drugs on top of big life changes, you show great resilience and courage to persevere through till the holidays, a month away I think, it helps mevto know your struggle so I don't feel so alone and maybe a bit of 'if she can do it so can I' kinda thing. Thank you for being here. Have you ever travelled?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember21 Mar 2019, 4:17 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Appleblossom, glad you want to hear about my van home...
"Practical ladies" are hard to find 🙂
What 'stuff' can't you do anymore? Travelling or building things?
Glad you have found healing in pooting down roots. I need and want that so much but don't know where I belong and how yo start again, so getting this travel bug out my system, beats suicide, and I can keep my dog.
Homelessness and Nesting probably is a delicate pathe to walk but I one thing about being suicidal... nothing matters, and atm I have the means. I know I'm running, and my body isn't well but it energises me andvi haven't felt that for aclong time.
@Exoplanet - youre welcome here, (practical person, with humour... 🙂 ).
My first wuestion - can you tell me how to secure items in my van so they don't roll around the back - how do i drill something into steel?

EOR

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Mar 2019, 4:18 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Former-Member I think we all feed off each other with how we are going and find comfort that we are not alone in what we are going through.

I have travelled through Europe, Great Britain and Ireland. There were some places I would have liked to go to but ran out of money so had to come home. It was a great experience though. I actually made the decision to do teaching whilst I was overseas and came back and enrolled in that degree as soon as I got back - so it was a great trip for many reasons. How about you - have you travelled?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember21 Mar 2019, 4:36 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Wow! Europe @Zoe7, then teaching... You've lived well 🙂 I've only been yo NZ & PNG, but moved & lived many places up the east coast Australia from Mackay to Kiama, don't like the big smoke, so exploring regional centres.

Hey, big news, I bought a bigger van. They offered a redicilous trade in on my car so I'll sell that myself. I pick up my new home on wheels tomorrow, yikes!
Oo! actually just felt some butterflies. This is a good sign. Thank you for listening.

AND, I found a new Dr today, she's lovely, andvi think it will work so much better than the other money hungry one. Also, that other surgery is where my cousin goes for his antipsychotic injections so I worry they stigmatise me & look for / expect psychosis when I'm not coping and I don't need that, or the fear of it / staff gossip. My cuz is pretty bad, and racist and aggressive and manipulative and does drugs... Kinda affects the whole family as everyone there knows us...
Anyway, hope that didn't offend anyone, just my anxiety I think.
And hope this new Dr goes well. I'm really not well, feels like im gonna die soon, so be good to rule out physical causes. She's ordered a full blood workup.

One step at a time...

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Mar 2019, 4:53 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh wow @Former-Member 2 pieces of great news in one day - both the van and a new gp. I am very happy for you Hon 🤸‍♀️👍😀

It is good that this new gp has ordered tests - and is listening to you. That is so important in a gp. I have a very thorough gp as well and she listens. She has helped me so much through the last couple of years and I really am grateful to have had her in my corner.

I have also been to NZ - absolutely loved it. I could quite happily live in Wellington I was brought up in the country but have lived in the city most of my life but Hobart is more of a large town than a major city so it is perfect for me.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Mar 2019, 5:10 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Wow @Former-Member

Good news about van and doc.

Yep travelling def beats toppin oneself.

I hope you dont mind me using that term. It has been used to me a lot. I hated it at first, but need toughening up around suicide discussions. I have 2 siblings who did complete suicide. I had 20 years of trying to stop them, and then my own suicidal ideation kicked in for 20 years, but I have people here on earth, so it is better that I stay, even if sometimes it feels easier to go.

I have not made it to NZ or PNG but would like to .... Good on you.

I can only travel if I have good support. I travelled in Europe and South Asia when young and did a bit camping with kids. Have an adventurous spirit, but did back&neck in ... long story ... so cannot do stress ... rough sleeping travelling or any heavy lifting ... have to be careful these days.

Sometimes running is good, gets your fitter, you have some good experiences, met people, celebrate your own journey. SOmetimes as women we are over attacked to our relational roles, and it is importnat to just be ourselves.

Sometimes running away is not good, only you can really tell in the long run.

I ran away twice when I was 16. Each time I got more clear on what I needed to do. The third time I had accommodation, job and quite a few essentials sorted. I never regretted running way. I feel I would have been the first to go, if I had not left home when I did.

Hope my story is not too scary,

Take Care

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