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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember19 Mar 2019, 3:04 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member ,

It sounds like you've had a pretty rough day, sorry to hear you had a tough time with appointments. It's great you're thinking of really practical ways to care for yourself today. I've just sent you an email to check in.

Take care,
Tortoiseshell

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor19 Mar 2019, 4:27 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yup I am into music and played a few Queen pieces when I first noticed movie. Its on my list to see ... one day.

@Former-Member

Self care can be as variable and unique as each individual. I am not good at it, as I was very sucked into the self denial ... endure pain stuff ... which lead to self harm ... which I am slowly getting out of ... sigh ...

even reading posts and including what others do helps. Taking time out when you need it. Jumping in when that is needed.

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor19 Mar 2019, 5:20 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

You have a lot to offer @Former-Member It just is that you are feeling so left behind in the world at the moment with all that you have to deal with. Sometimes there are no external things that can lift us up when internally we are feeling defeated - it is a horrible place to be in Hon ...but you are looking forward in thinking about buying the RV and maybe that little bit of freedom will be just what you need - being able to travel where you want and do things that you enjoy. It might just be the turning point for you in finding things tat help you feel better about yourself.

We all lose track of time or miss appointments - can you reshedule to get your paperwork signed and your scripts filled? I hope they realise that you didn't do it on purpose and that you really need to have an appointment to do all those things. Goodluck with it all @Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Mar 2019, 6:52 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

thanks Appleblossom, Zoe7 & Tortiseshell, i went out today, a church thing & lunch with friend where i got talking, cried a bit, and teary since & headache. All just under the surface. Antidepressants not working.
@Tortoseshell, sorry but cant access my emails atm, its flipping / frozen,:( Need to go to the Telstra shop, maybe upgrade my phone. . . .
Tomorrow i look at a bigger van to do up like a tinyhome, hope to get a fair trade in. So tired today. Found a tiny travel iron at the op shop today $5 🙂
Anyway, didn't mean to worry yas, it was a morbid tx cause I'm just so fatigued and lost. Hoping the Van will give me a 'me project' to focus on, that's the plan anyway, if I can just get out of my head.
Hope your week is s a bit better @Zoe7, and @Appleblossom, that you keep up & going.

xox

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Mar 2019, 6:57 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

A good cry is sometimes what we need @Former-Member but it sucks that you have the headache - hope that eases for you soon.

I like the idea of getting a van to do up then you can have it how you like and it will be a real home for you - sounds like a great project to get stuck into.

It is just great that you have checked in @Former-Member even though you are still struggling - it is so hard to get out of our own heads at times so make sure you do some nice things for yourself over the next couple of days

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Mar 2019, 7:24 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

dream about doing out my campervan

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor20 Mar 2019, 7:39 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oooh dear re doc @Former-Member

I missed an appointment yesterday. It never used to happen until last few years ago, getting older and tireder I guess. My medical team say I am not too bad in missed appointments as I mostly show up and I showed up early for my gp cos forgot her changes. Medical appointments have become my way of life in last few years. I hope you are forgiven. Mostly they can fill the time with work that needs to be done or see a person for longer.

Its great you are looking outside the square for housing options. Nesting is important.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Mar 2019, 7:42 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Love the image @Former-Member I can see you laying there dreaming of your van revonation

Hi @Appleblossom

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Mar 2019, 7:44 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Appleblossom

@Zoe7

You both empathise well - thanks. I do need to 'nest' (find a space of my own), where I am my room is half full of other people's stuff.

Should i post my van progress here (if not too boring :))

My mechanic advised me to go for a DIESEL Toyota hiace campervan.. with mileage <150km... but do you think I can find one? 😕 So, I've sourced an empty van to have done myself. A professional conversion costs $40k 😞 so, i plan to slowly do it out myself, somehow, with what I have. Don't need all those pipes and power plugs really, not yet, just somewhere safe to sleep & stretch out my back when in spasm. This is what I already have:

- flat pine couch / bed (but thinking of building big boxes with storage underneath).
- portable gas stove & pressure cans, pans & kettle 🙂
- portaloo (yep little toot)
- ensuite tent for toot & shower
- folding aluminium kitchen table & collapsable sink, collapsible bucket

- privacy screen

con't...

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Mar 2019, 7:48 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I would love to hear all about your van progress @Former-Member - definitely not boring

You already have a few things sorted so that is good - just grab a few things when you are able to as you do up the van - that is when you find one of course.

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