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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 Sept 2020, 5:03 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

Thanks for hugs.

I am really not that angry a person. Only feel it occasionally when specific triggers come up. I have done so much therapy and work on myself since early 1980s it is habitual for me to channel or discharge it through active work, eg in garden, music or activism. I have found my voice though. It may have taken me over 20 years to realise the abuses I experienced, so now, I use my love of my family and understanding of their history to advocate for good services.

I have had a lovely weekend. I collected my son, did his wash, and we had 3 lovely walks, shared good music and good food. He is out for short jog now then I will take him home again. He has been very grateful and hugged me a few times. We have laughed a lot, chatted to various people on our walks. Being a music teacher for 25 years has meant I probably have reasonable social skills. The psychosocial issues I have endured are complicated, not me learning how to be polite or to get along with people. I always knew that, part of being in orphanages.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember28 Sept 2020, 5:28 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sounds like a wonderful time with your son. @Appleblosm, It's rare. I don't think I have the capacity to connect like that anymore, or never did, I donno, it's awakward with my son, was awkward with my X My girl "wanted another mum" and my sister disowns me... I'm the catalyst here so... yeah... SI'ville here I come again... I have nothing left to try with it seems. How do you keep going without support AB? I fear i can't on my own anymore. Must be a way. My first breakdown was in kid 80s too, long time ago, we must be true survived by now 🎖️🎖️

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember28 Sept 2020, 5:39 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Found my hair straightener today, its so good to have it under control again. Got all dressed up and realised i didnt HAVE to go out, didn't really want to after looking in the full length mirror, i could just "click & collect" dog food / supplies... felt stupid all dressed up with nowhere to go. Got back into my house clothes and bed. Really, is this what I've become? My neighbour has taken his car out 3 times already. Never did understand people who do this.
Sorry, I'm rambling
Hit my head earlier, gave me a fright, and lump, maybe it's just that.

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember28 Sept 2020, 5:43 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Where's @Emelia8 these days? ((((( emelia8 )))))

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Sept 2020, 6:03 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

oh @Former-Member head knocks are not good - I hope you are okay 💖

I think it is great you got yourself up, dressed and made that effort - some days we can't do that and after the horrible days you have had it is a massive achievement today. So what you then changed and got back into bed - that is okay too. I am having another jammies day and will probably do the same tomorrow. Have to take Tobes to the vet on Wednesday so will get dressed then.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember28 Sept 2020, 7:55 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

PJ days @Zoe7 are you ok? I accidentally doubled up on my meds, took Monday's but for some stupid reason 6pm I thought it was Tuesday and I'd forgotten :face_with_rolling_eyes: poison info said the bp medz could be a problem, not to drive and to call an ambulance if I feel off. Times like this I hate being alone,
Watching Dad Martin atm, he cracks me up 🤣

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Sept 2020, 8:04 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yeah I am okay @Former-Member Trying to get all my school stuff done this week so I can take a break next week. Am completely exhausted but it needs to be done.

I am still waiting to hear back from my psych for an appointment so I can watch the funeral ...might need to ring again tomorrow to see what is happening.

I really hope your extra meds do not cause you any issues but please call an ambulance if you feel any signs of your BP meds causing you concern ...and be careful moving around in case you feel dizzy at all.

I like Doc Martin too but presently watching a crazy Toby running around the house with his toys lol

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 Sept 2020, 9:02 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hugs @Zoe7

@Former-MemberI just slog it out. Resilient. Tough and all that. Big softie and hug homeless people too. I had a lot of blame and rejection put on me. I hid away for a time, but know, the very hard way that its wrong to take a life. I did not "break down" til late 80s early 90s, but also in that time was studying, teaching, renovating, company directoring, and little kids. Just used to doing stuff and getting on with it, but so are you.

I hope @Emelia8 is alright.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Sept 2020, 10:58 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hey @Former-Member Just checking in on you to see how you are going after your extra med mix up.

@Appleblossom

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember29 Sept 2020, 8:15 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yes thanks @Zoe7, all good. I resisted the SI urge to complete the accidental odd and ordered home delivered Pizza instead last night for first time in years. Salt content in pizza elevates BP so found my moment lol Apart from feeling like I'm still digesting the biinge, I'm ok this morning ta. Is this funeral you mentioned for the friend you lost weeks ago? Terrible business funerals. Ever watched the movie LUCY ? Script quote "we never really die" - I tend to lean that way. I don't believe in death. Your friend just lost his earth tent. Oops, there I go again, overthinking. Hope you things done today. Nice to wake up to a 'chechin' thanks 💙

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