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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember10 Sept 2020, 10:30 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Eve7 - how does one "stay true to the desire to move forward" ? especially when feeling so fragile after having had a rough week?? What does that look like? On foot in front of the other I'm guess, hand to task... that's what I'm doing each day despite feeling my life light is fading. I'd love to feel loved and connected (do you have that?) but even yesterday I ignored two phone calls from friends. Why would I do that? I need them... but also just so tired. Do you ever stand over yourself and shake ya head 'what are you doing girl?' guess those connections don't feel real to me anymore. There but not... I donno, am I withdrawing or just being real. I wanna go back to when people knocked on your door, not ya phone I guess. I donno. Do you get like this? For the first time in my life I'm thinking it's ok to sink into my own world getting one's house in order. I have projects going on that people are not interested in. I don't know what to 'say' anymore, yet when confronted and have to - I can. All weird.
Run otta pills today, gotta go face the ever draining social anxiety and get my scripts filled at chemist... That might require a shower and actually doing my hair :face_with_rolling_eyes: lol
Do you live alone?
Nice to see you here this morning. Have a good day 💙🔆💙🔆💙🔆

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor10 Sept 2020, 2:24 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yes @Former-Member it is one foot in front of the other without looking back after every step.

I too, have ignored my friends this year but I need them now and I hope they need me. I have started going to breakfast with them again and yes, it’s tough joining in the conversations but I’m not ready to give up just yet.

Somewhere there are more positives in my life than negatives. I will return to work eventually, just not this week and I will be competent in my work again.

My son is living with me but that will soon change as he is buying a home for himself and his kids. How I will cope then...who knows but I’ll give it a go.

i really want my life back and I am trying my hardest to stop entertaining the alternative.

i have grandchildren who still know how to love unconditionally so that is a bonus.

Take care and thanks for your thought provoking response.

🤗🤗🤗

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember10 Sept 2020, 8:49 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

You have the most positive yet balanced / real outlook @Eve7, though your fatigue shows through. My son says he'll never have Kidz so being a nan isn't gonna happen for me. Cosmic payback for limiting contact of my kidz with their abusive unstable nan. So be it. I'm glad you have their love. Do they call you nan? I can't remember your history sorry. Its wonderful bthat your son will be buying his own place but I totally understand worrying how you'll feel by yourself. That 'emptiness' can exacerbate depression. But sounds like you also ready to get your space back. Maybe take a trip away. Hope the little ones don't end up too far away.
What did you do today?
I layed in 'till 1pm (on phone and watching tv), just not much point, and it's unusually cold today. Had to dash out to get scripts so did that, and took furbaby for walk round the block. And actually rang back the two missed calls. Think I'm a bit bipolar with this withdrawing thing I do (shutting most people out for 2-3weeks) has expanded. Use to always only be 2-3days but... Not much can be done for me anymore... by others, it really is all up to me, I have the knowledge, just not the motivation or focus. I'm glad you have a job to get back into - even if part time.
Did I say I rang my 2 friends today. They're not close but still only two of a circle of 5 for me, kinda have to have someone. One of them, he daughter just had her 14th child 😯 yes FOURTEEN ! and a single mum at that 🙁Sadly this little one is a Downs 😞 - pretty cute little girl though. She'll get so spoilt by the bothers 🎀 So many different families out there.
You hang in there Eve 💙🔆💙🔆💙🔆💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember11 Sept 2020, 8:47 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

My dad's still in hospital with pneumonia Rt lung, on IV AB's and oxygen still, and sounded so weak when I tried to talk with him today. All he could get out was "hi sweetie" which is nice but I think he's dying. Nurses weren't forthcoming, struggling with English a lot of them. I wanna jump in my car and cross boarder to visit him. This is his second admission since I moved back to Qld 2months ago 😞 hope it doesn't upset him. I'm sad 😢

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor11 Sept 2020, 9:06 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I am so sorry your Dad is sick @Former-Member you could drive over the border to visit but it would be very expensive to get back. That is so hard for you.

Sending a hug 🤗

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember11 Sept 2020, 9:15 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Eve7,
hi @Adge 👋

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Sept 2020, 9:35 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Exercise regularly
Eat nutritious foods and a balanced diet
Get enough sleep each night
Use yoga or meditation
Go to church, pray, or read a spiritual book
Spend time with friends or family

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor13 Sept 2020, 5:28 pm AEST