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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Sept 2020, 8:13 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Adge, we both 'get' each other. As my solicitor said during all the family court battles... "you're stupid for marrying the man" As if I deserved his psycholgical abuse all those years. There is some satisfaction, vindication though, knowing he's true nature is finally being exposed / diagnosed / labelled, by professionals (who people listen to), My son couldn't see it before,vlike me when I was so 'smitten' blinded by love, or whatever it was. Definitely out of character for me to get involved with him like I did... confusing days. Often wonder if he sed his NLP on me. Psychology degree and all, two decad s m senior. Oh well. I have waited a long time to see him exposed, the damage he's done, even if just a little. Its not easy for my son. Its easier to blame the emotionally vulnerable party. I have surrendered.
Time for a coffee.
What are you doing today?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor09 Sept 2020, 11:47 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member I just had CT Scan (this morning) - with contrast injection, that gave me strong Hot Flushes (she warned me about that).

Now need short rest.

Then going to MH Social (fortnightly) Lunch thingy.

I hope you have a good day.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor09 Sept 2020, 12:03 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member you are very precious and very honest. I hope today is good for you.

@Snowie I hope you can take on board how much you mean to so many of us here and receive some love back today. You are such a beautiful woman both inside and out.

💙🦋💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Sept 2020, 4:03 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Eve7, hope I'm not too honest. Good thing nobody knows me here. How's your day? 💙
@Adge - had a few scans myself - it's a weird flush feeling, like wetting yourself lol. Hope you're ok
Big day for yoy. How was your lunch? I gotta find something like that 💙

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Sept 2020, 4:07 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Snowie 🔆💙🔆💙🔆

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor09 Sept 2020, 4:16 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

My day is better than yesterday @Former-Member

It’s good to be open and honest. I wish I didn’t keep so much inside me and that I could be more open and honest with what has occurred.

💖💖💖

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Sept 2020, 6:47 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

( ( ( ( E💙e7 ) ) ) )
I do sometimes worry someone might know me here on the forums, wouldn't say that stuff on Facebook etc. Probably shouldn't.
Glad your day was better. In what way?
Same here, always feels better when I get things done.
- cleaned out car
- fixed big crack in tabletop
- rearranged garage stuff
- measured next projects
- fixed Venetians
- listened to a sermon
- packed another big bag for charity
Mostly little things but little things add up 🙏

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor09 Sept 2020, 9:54 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Well it's well overdue (past time) for me to be "Smitten or Blinded by Love" @Former-Member

As long as it's not too dysfunctional, & as long as we (whoever I connect with) are a compatible match.

Certainly not with a manipulative person - my ex Wife was very emotionally manipulative, & was prone to sudden uncontrollable rages.

So were all 4 of my exes, actually.

Not healthy & not a sustainable relationship.

Well the MH Social Lunch (not a Support or Discussion Group) is mixed Blessings - it gives me some social connection & companionship, for 2 hours (per fortnight).

Yet most of those people cannot initiate or continue any conversation - they are silent or very withdrawn, most of the time (even after 3 years).

All of them seem extra withdrawn (totally non-conversational) or depressed, today.

So it is quite an effort for me, as I had to initiate & prompt every single conversation.

When really, I just need my own sense of equal connection & support - with people who put in equal effort.

I've spent too many years (decades) working with & supporting (as a Carer) - people who express themselves through "challenging behaviours" (non-conversational).

Whilst leaving me to take all the responsibility, all the blame, all the heat (when things go wrong).

Nothing, no job pays anywhere near enough $$ to put up with that.

Then I find myself in a very similar situation with this MH Social Lunch Group - even though it's not my job (I'm not being paid $ to go there), it's supposed to be for Support & Benefit for me.

I have my own needs (we all do) - which are virtually never being met.

I occasionally have some good conversation with the Volunteer people who are there (helping run things), because they are friendly & conversational - not usually with the actual members or attendees of the Lunch (they are largely non-conversational).

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Sept 2020, 11:18 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @Adge, that lunch group doesn't sound fun at all, accept for the odd volunteer interaction. Very sad, but I'm starting to understand why people shut down. I was like you, talk about anything with anyone, and talk too much... but now... not so sure it's worth it anymore. Kinda realised everyone on my life is just sick of me / not really interested. Guess that's why it's raining for this one time extrovert to be with people... because it's all one sided... I'm tired, and tired of feeling alone in company. Don't like groups, I think your brave.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor10 Sept 2020, 10:00 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Good Morning @Former-Member I hope your day has started well.

I am with you about Facebook as mine is full of my “happy” life lol. I would never say there what I say here.

Yesterday I made some decisions about moving forward after having a few rough days. I’m a bit fragile this morning but staying true to my desire to move forward.

My mh this year has taken a battering and it’s time to dust myself off and face the future...easier said than done.

💙💜💙

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