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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember03 Sept 2020, 6:27 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @Emelia8, you're very sweet. Thanks you so much 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💗

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember04 Sept 2020, 11:35 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

My dad's in hospital again. Spoke to him Tuesday as they gave him his DAD gift he liked. Told him I'll never forget him, his half joking reply was "you'll forget me soon enough" 😢 He's gone downhill so fast of late. Bad news paralyses me these days. My SIL rang yesterday, to tell me she put my brother into a nursing home last week - permanent care re Multiple Sclerosis. I feel so powerless, like I'm in a battlefield and need to take cover. Not sure how to process it all, don't have anyone irl to offload to... hate thinking about it,not even talk about it, accept to God, who does understand.
Staying out of it all (away from their Dana and refusal to pull together), kinda taken the hint finally. Realising my limitations and this put on me - I have little to more to contribute to that situation doesn't get misconstrued or result in hurting me. AVOIDANCE isn't always a bad thing. I pray.
Its amazing though... the whole world, even relatives, they really do go on without us :face_with_rolling_eyes: What does any of it really matter.
Just getting my own house in order I guess, prep for my time, try to build a bit of joy here at least. Hey, i built an attractive Wall Art outside my kitchen window, with metal flowers and lattice, on the high corrugated fence. Makes me smile looking out the kitchen window now.
#Emelia8, @Faith-and-Hope, @Adge and anyone. Thanks for listening 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember04 Sept 2020, 12:29 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thank you @Shaz51 for repeatedly hitting the support button of a post I made in May, to a former member, that says
"LIFE IS TOUGH
BUT SO ARE YOU!"
Especially after I've poured out my heart here. I don't know if you're having a go at me or wanting to support. But it is good I guess to be reminded that "what I have inside of me is greater than what is in the world" Thank you precious lady 💙💙💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember04 Sept 2020, 5:13 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Ok, don't reply

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor04 Sept 2020, 5:34 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

(((( @Former-Member )))) You're the best - Very caring to/ of your Dad, & other family members (who do not appreciate your care).

So sorry that they don't respond with kindness & care (as you do deserve).

My brothers don't either - they blow hot & cold (mostly cold), so it saddens me deeply that I have virtually no contact anymore (with them).

As you don't, with your siblings.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor04 Sept 2020, 5:39 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member

Really sorry to hear that your Dad is back in hospital again ... the poor fellow. Its good that he was able to acknowledge the gift you sent him, and to convey to you that he liked it. Its sad that he has gone downhill significantly. My Dad has too actually. And another infected wound on his foot is not helping. Back to 3 times a week nurse and Doctor checks and redressing. And more antibiotics as well. At least he is going to stay a few days with my brother on his farm this weekend, rather than at home on his own. He finally agreed because its fathers day.

More bad news, sorry to hear about your brother deteriorating to the extent that he needs permanent care. MS is relentless. Powerless to do anything about any of that EOR ... very true. Nothing at all you can do about it. Its hard. And its additionally hard because you have nobody to talk to about it. I'm happy for you that you have your faith, your acceptance of God and know that your prayors are heard is a very powerful thing to possess. I envy you that.

I have to say I agree with you about avoidance .... sometimes it is a very good thing to practice.

Your wall art outside your kitchen window sounds great. Are you able to share a photo? I'd love to see it. If it gives you a smile whenever you look out your window ... then its definitely a good thing. Well done.

I'm always listening to you @Former-Member 💕 though I dont always respond immediately. And lately the email notifications have been up to 3 days late, which makes things difficult. And I also note that your tag to me this morning did not work. Have the @Former-Member or managers been able to help you with the issue you had with only being able to use the quick reply option?

Do you have much happening this weekend?

Emelia 🌺😊🌸

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember04 Sept 2020, 7:46 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Adge, sorry to can relate to being estranged from famly. I'm thinking a oral boycott might help them see what they've lost, but probably dreamin' People see what they want to see.
Thanks @Emelia8, it's helped to be heard and responded to.
Sounds like you understand re frail parents. I can't imagine a world without my dad in it but more importantly, I hope he's not suffering.
I think the tech glitch here is in my phone as I could post a pic using the computer the other day. So when I can string 3 steps together properly I'll photograph my simple wall art to show yas 🖼️
Sorry to be demanding 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor04 Sept 2020, 8:17 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yes @Former-Member I do understand when it comes to frail parents. My dad is starting to talk about needing to go into residential aged care, which is sad. But he is very frail physically, even though he is still very with it mentally. So I totally get his feelings of vulnerability and his loneliness since mum died last July.

Im glad you are able to do pics on PC, so I look forward to seeing your work of art. Funny you should say that about your phone issues. Just since I returned a couple of days ago, Ive had odd things happen on this site. Eg, I am unable to tag anyone other than those that appear on the drop down. The keyboard keeps disappearing. Does that make sense? I havent changed any phone settings, so dont know whats going on.

You havent been demanding EOR, and you have every right to expect a response. I just have been a bit quiet since my return I guess. Still dealing with a bit. But of course ... we all are. My apologies EOR, I will try to do better, and be a better friend.

Hello @Adge ... You too have been pretty quiet since your op. How have you been?

Emelia 🌸

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor04 Sept 2020, 9:02 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Emelia8 Thanks for asking.

I'm struggling daily with record high fatigue - & dissociation, due to my trauma background.

Apparently, having no companionship at home, makes things worse.

For anny social interaction, I have to drive to something (activity) & go to quite some effort - yet that interaction is very brief, & the phone at home is always silent (except for nuisance calls).

So, whilst feeling the isolation keenly - I'm not often energetic focused enough, to post on forums.

Those who write copious amounts daily, gain enormous attention & response - not the case, for us quiet deep-thinking & deeply empathetic type people.

My Dad died almost 5 years ago, of very virulant prostate cancer - that's why I cannot speak of my having a frail Dad.

Yes it is extremely hard, to see those we love grow old & frail.

Sorry I couldn't respond more to your earlier post @Former-Member I've not been in an adequate state, all day today.

The last few days have been shockers -

- Emotional (trauma) flashbacks of intense despair, heightened anxiety - Not much fun.

Kind thoughts to you both.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor04 Sept 2020, 9:19 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yes of course @Adge . I do understand. As you would know, I too have a long trauma background. A difference being that I do not live alone. Although I often wish I did. I too have not been posting much, and had a week offline last week into this week. But I really miss my forum buddies when Im away.

Was your latest corrective surgery a success? Even as a 21 yo lady! I read about that elsewhere ... how slack is that?

Are you doing anything this weekend @Former-Member ? I have my step daughter and family visiting. It will be nice to see them all, incl 2 grandkids, but it means a busy weekend. Something I really dont feel up to.

Emelia

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