why can't I cope longer?

No haven't seen that movie @Former-Member but I can imagine what it is about - would very much be you. The idea of a camper van is looking even more promising - would tick off all the things you listed and you could go wherever you felt like too.

huggggss @Former-Member here for you xx

2016 MOVIE: The true story of Miss Shepherd, an eccentric woman of uncertain origins, who `temporarily' parked her broken-down van in writer Alan Bennett's London driveway, and proceeded to live there for the next 15 years.

Hi @Former-Member It is so lovely of your friend to come down to visit you for your birthday. That will make it a pretty specil day for you.

It is also good that you can stay where you are a bit longer - gives you more time to try to find somewhere else and/or sort out what you are going to do.

I am going okay - really tired and struggling to get to work most mornings but only one more day then the weekend will be here. I seem to be okay once I get to work but really find it hard getting going in the morning. I think that is going to get harder with the colder weather coming and the daylight reducing too but I will need to find a way through all that.

Thanks @Zoe7,
I find mornings really hard too, especially when ongoing stress is high. You have a lot on your plate and made huge changes this last few months so go easy on yourself. Getting everything ready the night before helps me, so i just have to roll out the door in the mornings. You'll find a routine of your own.

Today I went and looked for an campervan. Found a 5yo one, ex hire, low milage, but 47,000 + transfer papers 2k. Sheesh! So expensive! 😞 But at the same time exciting. Drives well, but hard to get in & out of as I'm so short (don't know how the oldies do it all the time). Andcevem after trading in my car, it leaves a balance of 35k owing 😞 Its hard to justify when also taking 1/3 ofof future house money.

Took a traintrip today to some old home turf. Nostalgic. Shed tears missing an old friend who I once went there with - she suicided. But The buskers and people and doves & cool breeze made it nice. Got healthy and bought a smoothie (apple, cucumber & lemon), yum. Haven't done a train trip for years 🙂

Hi @Zoe, <br>No doubt you're ready for the weekend. Maybe put your feet up and have an early night. I'm lucky I don't HAVE to work. <br>This is a pic of the RV I'm thinking of getting. Somewhat pricey though. Every decision has a consequence I'm not ready for so keep hitting brick walls.<br>Rang housing - they want so much evidence and I have new doctors and trying to not come over like a hyperchondriac, and keep misplacing my own records, or think I have... Just too much rolling round in my head. <br>Another thing, email notifications are not working - I forget they exist and embarrassed to have to now tell EVERY organisation I'm not capable of internet this or that... and have memory loss... and my life is is shambles... and I have NO family support... and put up with the looks like 'you must be a really bad horrible person, go k#ll yourself'<br>So hard to switch off that voice.<br>Wish I knew how to love myself.<br

campervan I might buy

I read your post that disappeared @Former-Member and understand that you are having very difficult thoughts right now - it is not easy to get through the days when you are so uncertain about the future but you are looking forward - especially with looking at buying the RV ...it looks amazing and would be wonderful to have somewhere to call home that you can also travel around in.

I read that you don't know how to love yourself and I think that is something that many of us struggle with. I think it is important to try to focus on what we can do and not dwell too much on what we can't - we can only do what we can with what we know and that has to be enough. We also need to be true to ourselves - knowing we are doing the best we can and living up to our own expectations is all we can do. Also treating others as we wish to be treated is essential - even if we do not get that same treatment in return we can hold our heads high and know we are doing the right thing. Loving yourself is not, in my opinion, feeling that you have everything you need in life but knowing you are working towards the ideal you - and you are the only one that can do that. Having high expectations of yourself but also allowing yourself to make mistakes, own them and move on is important too - as humans we are not infalible - but being able to bounce back and continually work on ourselves is key. You have so much going for you @Former-Member and I see your determination despite your current views of yourself ...you continue to reach out here for support and that shows me you want something better for yourself - hold onto that thought. The current accommodation issues are certainly not helping but you are also trying very hard to solve that so you are looking forward in that respect also. I believe in you Hon and hold onto hope that you can also have some of that belief in yourself