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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor02 Mar 2019, 11:09 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Across town for a couple of shows. Supporting others I know. It is good to be able to do that.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember03 Mar 2019, 2:43 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Are you OK @Appleblossom?

Sorry I'm not more support.

I've been really teary all day, since it hit me at church that I have to leave yet another group of friends.

And its like nobody notices, in fact - feels tlike they wish I'd just hurry up and 'get on with it' . Its been so dragged out leaving i guess.
I'm not coping.

Awful feeling so alone, nobody needs to carry this burden I have, even in part.

Yet I think i've dumped on you two - but appreciate having this space to come, able to say whatever.

Since I'm not suppose to suicide, this must mean I'm suppose to keep going 'till I drop. That's not logical.

But its where I'm at for now, quietly hoping God will cause me to drop quickly. No pain, no fuss, or hurting anyone.

Or maybe / somehow I'll survive this too, look back and say "see, I told you I could do it"
Whichever, I'm good with both, it's that middle road that's difficult I suppose.
Sorry I'm self centred atm - really struggling

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor03 Mar 2019, 3:03 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

You are not at all self-centred @Former-Member - you are struggling and that is really tough. I understand that feeling of being stuck in between what society thinks is appropriate and how you feel inside. I know it probably does not make much difference when you feel this way but I would greatly miss having you around Hon. It is good that you have here to come and vent your frustrations and pain - here listening and feeling for you @Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor03 Mar 2019, 8:36 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I am alright. @Former-Member

In a bit of pain and ended up in the wrong place today, but instead of beating up self I did self care. That is a huge improvement for me.

I never thought you dumped.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember10 Mar 2019, 1:44 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks Appleblossom
Glad you're practising Self Care instead of beating yourself up. Its taken me a lifetime to understand this part of self compassion, being our own best friend - actually having a relationship with ourself. Years gone by I thought it wad considered madness to talk with ourselves... but we do anyway, bringing this unconscious internal dialogue to the surface is just greater awareness, not madness. At least then we can deal with anything amis.

What are you up to Zoe7?

I had a day in bed mostly, really fased out and tired and cold...
On my last leg of packing
Then its the BIG decision - which direction to leave & why I should bother.

Anyway, just saying hi. Hope you are both ok and having a good weekend.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember10 Mar 2019, 1:46 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor10 Mar 2019, 8:15 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Having a quiet weekend @Former-Member Did a little housework yesterday but still more to do today - in between lots of resting and watching tv - so a very layed back weekend.

It is good that you have nearly finished packing but not good that you don't yet have anywhere to go. Are there any possible accommodation options for you yet @Former-Member ?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2019, 3:07 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sounds like a nice w'end for you @Zoe7. I do the same - rests in between bursts of tidying up. Somewhat crazy that we spend most our life moving around stuff we dont really need.

I'm thinking of just getting campervan, & live on the road.

Found out today that I can register as homeless on the electoral roll, think I'll have to do that. But right now I can stay here another month. Thankful for that.

Can't seem to get my head around things atm. So scared I'm gonna make a big mistake no matter what I do.

Are your kidz behaving?

Where's @Appleblossom gone.?Hope you're OK kiddo xox

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 Mar 2019, 7:37 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Getting a campervan and moving around sounds like a great solution to your house situation @Former-Member It will mean you have somewhere to call home as well as being able to travel wherever you like - that sounds like a great solution to your current situation Hon

The kids and staff are still being lovely at school - I do enjoy the work when I get there - it is hard getting organised in the morning though. I have to get myself mobile now and get ready so I am not late. Will check in with yuo tonight again

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2019, 6:47 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Zoe7, So glad work is going well. Keep doing what youre doing 🙂

You know, I was thinking what i need at a basic level:
- to make a cup of tea whenever I want
- to stretch out flat when my back hurts
- to sleep in safety & no bugs around
- to get cool when I need to...
- to read a book with birds in the background...
- Maybe grab a coffee with a friend... then all is well for now.

Have you ever seen the movie -
"Lady in a van" ?
Oh dear, that could be me lol
<

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