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Something’s not right

why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member, it has been ages. I kind of get weird every year round my girls passing anniversary, late January. Took me longer than usual to find my feet this year.
You said "I like you.... 😊 ... always have done" Wow, thanks for saying that, silly that I need to hear it, but we do sometimes. Guess we gotta learn to like ourself more, and not worry what others think - easier said than done though.
I'm glad that I finally pushed myself to brave Sydney and see Dad. Don't think he remembers me anymore (dementia), who I am, but he remembered Georgia dog (once his) & had a good pat. it's about what I need too - it is important to me.
Sorry you didn't get to the wedding & ya dad, that's hard and disappointing. But i'm sure your dad knows you love him deep down.. Pray for him. Falls can be a precursor to many going into permant care. Hope he finds a place after all this virous mahem. He's safer at home, for now, with checkups. You brother sounds helpful.
Apologising is my way of asking forgiveness (to feel accepted again). Thanks for your kindness
Sorry for your 'rough patch, and not being able to even post pictures for you. I do care. 🙏

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Woke just now in tears (half dream half flashback), reliving the time I was in Acute Mental Health Unit, found hiding in cupboard cutting off my hair with a r#zor. I was clearly not myself and didn't understand the reaction. Actually Became more traumatised by the way I got treated shortly after, when they, the nurses, tipped my room upside down, metal detector scanned me (found stashed backup pills in hem of dressing gown, oops), They had me change into a gown, not even any undies, and shoved me in padded room, alone, with a camera pointing at me. I felt naked, and ashamed. Its barbaric. One male nurse was particularly angry at me while trying to find non stretchy pants to fit my humungas ass. He blurted out "this is so serious what you've done!" But, what I heard him really saying was "your so in trouble, I am so angry with you, you've inconvenienced us all, ruined my shift, I hate you..."
I don't know why I cut my hair or hoarded r#zors and pills, I'd lost my 13yr old suddenly few months before, was probably grieving on top of loneliness, neglect, isolation and preexisting cPTSD. Shitty family supports... alone. Lost my way, dissociating all over the place... Worse than I realised at the time. And I got angry, caged up like a wounded animal with nobody to talk to 😞
My hair remained 1/2 cut for 4 weeks (punishment I guess), I was so self conscious of it I always wore a beanie. I don't know why I wasn't afforded the dignity of a hairdresser. God knows I could do with a boost. Finally got it sorted when I got day release

And, My only child hasn't answered my last two text msgs, likes his w'ends to himself now, so don't wish to burden him anymore. He o
told me last week he can't visit for my birthday next week now, with numerous valid reasons. Guess. Another birthday alone. Also reminded me not to buy close to him as he still plans to move to Canada. Where's the validation in all this to live ? May as well forget my DOB, slowly being rubbed out of existence. But hey, it doesn't matter. I managed to mow 1/2 back lawn yesterday, ran out of puff, do the rest tomorrow, grass is sonlush and green now, love that smell.<br>Going back to sleep now. hope no more waking flashbacks + nightmares.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Your nightmares and flashbacks sound so very distressing @Former-Member and I very much feel for you over that. I know how bad flashbacks and persistent nightmares can be, having just come through all that myself last month. What you experienced in the Acute Mental Health Unit after the death of your 13yo child, is just dreadful. I could never imagine anyone having to go through what you did. I wish I could say that ... its okay, thats all in the past. But I also know, that the past regularly revisits us. I know life continues to be incredibly difficult for you in so many areas ... but you are miles better than what you were back then. I am sorry to hear that your son is not answering messages, although I know that is something that happens fairly regularly. You have a birthday next week? I hope our manager of birthdays @Shaz51 is aware of this, and that it will enable us to help celebrate the occasion. Well done on getting through half your lawnmowing yesterday. With all the rain we have had here, it is a major effort to keep the lawn at managable levels. Best of luck with finishing the job today. How is your garden going ... with the herbs and veges? I am still getting some tomatoes from my potted plants. And still have parsley and coriander producing for my everyday use. And also some lovely violas and snapdragons flowering brightly. These are all from my little potted garden promo that woolies had some 5 months ago. I had one of my tomatos yesterday in fact ... not baby ones, they are a decent size and a variety which are very 'meaty', rather than just slush. Great on sandwiches, which I used it for yesterday. I have 2 more which are nearly ready to pick and use as well. Soo much more flavour than what you can buy in the shops.

I hope you managed to get back to a restful sleep in the early morning hours this morning. Sending love and hugs.

Sherry 💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thank you @Former-Member, strange how past can invade the present, with all its pain. I have a theory that our subconscious (or God) does it to help us work through another lost piece of the puzzle of hidden pain. The way m sister treats me a trigger. I see now her neglect goes way back. But Fair's fair, my MH distractions have made me useless to her too. Difference is I keep trying, she gave up, even mocks me 😢 Apparently tells people she doesn't have a sister. Who needs it I guess, both ways. Maybe all the current social hype and visiting dad has resurfaced things, asbit does. Oh, just remembered, the family home, dad's home is being Auctioned off this morning (to pay for us nursing home bed and the 50k debt they've clocked up while he couldn't pay this last 18 months (another wrong that angers me), Wonder how they deal with the social distancing at auctions 😷 Oh well, probably delay further so they can be out his entire estate on non refundable fees before he dies. I can't be there as brothers to intimidating to be around. Plus it's the end of an era. Mum's in the garden there. Not that I care for the 'house of horrors' in the slightest, all its distressed walls trapping pieces of my mind forever 😶 I want it gone. Must of switched good to go help the way I did at their end. Bloody siblings didn't help. Oh dear. Blarblablar
Must get out of bed.
The house is such a mess... but I will try go outside today.
The garden... lost a lot when I went away in summer. But all 3 tomatoe bushes thriving with much fruit (still green, can't wait). Starting to relocate the ruby red wild sweet-pea thats shooting up everywhere again. Putting it along the wire fence out front. Should look lovely there, standing tall. I like the garden, thanks for reminding me. And caring... gotta get up, Georgia dog needing breakfast. Sorry to ramble.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hello @Former-Member I am glad that you are back, or posting (writing) again.

So good to see you...

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Adge 🐦🐦🐦

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I bought 2 new Goldfinches @Former-Member To add to my Goldfinch family.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Beautiful @Adge, wish i could have birds again. Definately like finches. There were a lovely little flock of them in my garden yesterday, they like the bottle brush. They were pretty light brown. Love the sound they make

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?


I was glad to hear the announcement of new funding for MH, charity organisations, telehealth etc today. I feel so alone. So many broken relationships even here on forums. Is it my MI, I don't know. I've been trying to organise someone to check in on me every couple of days, even if just a phone call, someone screened not to be of bad character... but there's nothing there for that, everything is such a bother for people. Genuine MH help seems to be geared towards acute intervention or long term psychotherapy (counselling), nothing in between. I just want to know someone's got my back and hoped something new would come out of this current new model, for inbetweeners like me. I seem to easily make so many enemies, ppl resolute in deliberately hurt me with their silence (and leaving me out). Weird how the people you care about can hurt you most in this way, and they know it. Its emotional abuse and I've struggled all my life with being sensitive to them. Hate it!
I'm hoping I find someone compassionate just to chat briefly with - a stranger who can't hurt me as much. Does that make any sense.
Today ive tried to get up more, be good... Trying to rearranging furniture a bit, turning one room into an office, but keep running out of puff. Sarted feeling shakey a while ago then realised I hadn't eaten all day. Just had scrambled egg and laying down, again, talking you guys, whoever's listening.
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Torres Strait Islander flag
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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.

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