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BIRTHDAYS Hi all, every birthday month, since my youngest child died, & left me alone, suicidal thoughts intensify as i reevaluate if i can push through another year (does anyone else get that?). I have one living child, a 25yo son who lives away & determined to prove he doesn't need his mum. Visited him on the w'end & it didn't go well (cause i took my little dog) and i cried the 3hr journey home. Its so hard. My mother 1200k away is battling adenocarcenoma diagnosis that's just starting to grow faster. I want to help but can't handle her abuse & history & the two hovering argumentative brothers who have paranoid psychosis. Dad's in early dementia I & mar misses the man she was so dependant on. Because of my p/t comm support work mum thinks I'm a gov spy connected to Gardianship Board. Any attempts to help by cleaning or making suggestions is interpreted as criticism. She can be so vulgar and got the dr & authorities fooles she's coping. I don't know what to do with them all & my son & my sistet who cut me off after my breakdown when my girl died. Its all out of control & screams at me to disappear. My house is a mess & i'm having trouble conquering the kitchen sink much less the clutter. Anyway, just needed to tell someone, hope it doesn't depress you beautiful souls.
You know, this is the first Easter I haven't even been bothered to buy myself some chocolate as a treat.... **SIGH**
In response to: Birthday Times
Unknown userMember
Re: Birthday Times
Hey, like the pic, great words (learning a lot about self compassion, being kind to self, harder to put into practice though, especially beating oneself up with thoughts, and self harm). Got 2 little choc eggs for myself but ate them yesterday. Nothing today of cause. When i had the kids we (mum, sisters & i) would mail parcel of eggs ro each other. Now i see how fake it was for the kids. I left a small pkt of eggs for my son & partner when last visited 2wks back. He's on a health kick restricting for sugar, milk etc so waste of time. Mind u there could be a sale on them this next few days, for myself that is. Hust cooking myself choc cake for tomorrow. I have jam, fresh cream & coco icing. The kids use to love my big birthday cream cake for them too. Reminds me i wasn't all bad as a mother. when people treat u like crap thats how i start seeing myself - i'm wondering if maybe i'm horrible human. Only this morning i rang mum to see how dad is (re admitted to hospital yesterday with kidney infection & confusion), she wouldn't talk to me but shoved the mobile phone to dad without even saying hi then refused to talk after, even with phone on speaker. I never know what i've done wrong, and it hurts. On the up side, dad sounded a bit more alert. One day he'll go in & not come home, worry for him with mum the way she is & now with her cancer. I want to help but couldn't handle the abuse that ebbs daily. Who would have ever thought at my age i'd still have mother issues 😕 Anyway, betta check the cake.
In response to: Birthday Times
Unknown userMember
Re: Birthday Times
I've been fighting it all day but just overwhelmed, almost paralysed, with that feeling there really is nothing left to live for.
In response to: Re: Birthday Times
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Birthday Times
Hi @Former-Member
That cake sounds decadent and yum.
I have been in a Tai Chi group where a cake was given. It was on a roster and all women. it taught me that most women are needy and some birthday attention often helps. I dont go there any more but ofen in choirs there is the obligatory Happy Birthday sing. I also had a fellow who brought a cake once but as he left he made the most cynical remark he may not have bothered. He also made my solo christmases feel worse than they did before he intervened. We dont see each other any more.
I did birthdays for my kids, thats a mum's job. I am learning to let go of expectations about people remembering mine. I dont want the automatic or obligatory. I would like to be treated reasonably on a daily basis, so am going for that. Anniversaries of deaths and birthdays pass regularly as the years roll on. I am trying to walk gently and live kindly and not worry too much.
Take care
In response to: Re: Birthday Times
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Birthday Times
I have just topped up our internet. it took ages as I had forgotten all the codes passwords etc.
I hope you keep posting.
In response to: Birthday Times
Unknown userMember
Re: Birthday Times
Just being morbid, good nights sleep will help i hope. Thanks
In response to: Re: Birthday Times
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Birthday Times
I hadnt read your last post as mine was slow ... I was connecting the previous onces... our moods and thoughts go up and down.
take care
In response to: Re: Birthday Times
Drac0Senior Contributor
Re: Birthday Times
Don't know where you are @Former-Member, but it's Monday here already & thought I might get in early to wish you a Happy Birthday. I know you're struggling right now but try to make this day a little special even if just for yourself. the cake sounds delicious and is a good start.
I hope you can get a good nights rest.
Take care, stay safe. xxx
In response to: Birthday Times
Unknown userMember
Re: Birthday Times
I'm here, got some sleep. Thanks @Draco, its nice to wake up to a Birthday wish. I got some sleep. The tummy's a bit squirmy but i bought some nice tea to enjoy - English Breakfast, Earl Gray & that pkt capaccino. Thanks for being there & taking the edge off the isolation. Might actually survive this, the emotional pain has been almost more than i can bare for some reason, not sure why this time is so difficult No special dates 'till May now. The tears are here but maybe thats a good thing, a release. Hope God sends the birds with the sunrise again today - some of their morning songs of late have been magical.
In response to: Re: Birthday Times
Drac0Senior Contributor
Re: Birthday Times
Glad you got some decent rest @Former-Member. I often wake up with a squirmy stomach, but I think that's just my cooking. 🙂
A nice cuppa is always a good way to start any day. I get the birds everyday. Have a couple of bottle brush trees right outside my bedroom window that are always full. Can be a little annoying on the days when I'm trying to get to sleep at sunup, but most days it's good to wake up to, even later in the day.
Take care & I hope you can find some joy throughout the day.
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