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Birthday Times

Unknown userMember09 Mar 2016, 4:15 am AEDT

Birthday Times

BIRTHDAYS Hi all, every birthday month, since my youngest child died, & left me alone, suicidal thoughts intensify as i reevaluate if i can push through another year (does anyone else get that?). I have one living child, a 25yo son who lives away & determined to prove he doesn't need his mum. Visited him on the w'end & it didn't go well (cause i took my little dog) and i cried the 3hr journey home. Its so hard. My mother 1200k away is battling adenocarcenoma diagnosis that's just starting to grow faster. I want to help but can't handle her abuse & history & the two hovering argumentative brothers who have paranoid psychosis. Dad's in early dementia I & mar misses the man she was so dependant on. Because of my p/t comm support work mum thinks I'm a gov spy connected to Gardianship Board. Any attempts to help by cleaning or making suggestions is interpreted as criticism. She can be so vulgar and got the dr & authorities fooles she's coping. I don't know what to do with them all & my son & my sistet who cut me off after my breakdown when my girl died. Its all out of control & screams at me to disappear. My house is a mess & i'm having trouble conquering the kitchen sink much less the clutter. Anyway, just needed to tell someone, hope it doesn't depress you beautiful souls.

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In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2016, 12:10 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Hi SANE family (never thought I'd ever say that), its bedtime & not only am i still here i've hardly thought twice about... you know. I've been sad, especially that mum wouldn't ring me (sent text, but there's nothing like a caring conversation), a brother rang but attacked me for not understanding how much of a hard time mother is having. He talked over me, prattled off all sorts of paranoid false scenarios about trying to have them put in nursing home. Je wasn't interested in my point of view, even told me i was delusional when i tried to say he misunderstands me. The yelling upset me so i dropped the phone & could hear his garbled yelling across the room. I cried. None of them can be kind for one day. Makes me so sad, and i worry for dad whos on a drip in hospital.
How do i cut of family so they don't hurt me anymore?? I don't know how not ot love them.
My son & a friend did ring, we had good chats - so thankful for that.
Its been really helpul having the support of this forum, especially you @Drac0, thank you. I got through it.
Would give you a large piece of my choc cream cake if i could.
Probably lay awake a while if you still awake. Otherwise, night

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Drac0Senior Contributor29 Mar 2016, 6:20 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Knew you could make it through @Former-Member.

While there was the downer with your mother (at least she did think to text you) and brother it must have felt good to have talks with your son & friend. Shows that there are people in your life that do think about you, care for you and want you in their lives.

I don't know how you can deal with other family members, it's not something I've really had to face. I do have one ex-girlfriend like that, I still care for her & think about he every few days hoping she is ok as she has her own issues. But no contact with her because she just wasn't good for me, we had arguments & just went our separate ways.

But family is different. It has nothing to do with not loving them, it is about protecting yourself. I guess it has a lot to do with our own personality too. I've always been the loner of my family, which is quite large. Ive had times in my past where I've had no contact with any of them for 2 or 3 years at a time and it's only been a chance meeting that put me back in contact.

Because of the way I am, there are some family members I could survive without if it ever came to that. I'm used to it. Would probably be harder now since I have been in much more contact with a lot of them over the last few years. But while they really don't understand what goes on in my life they generally seem to accept me, at least to my face (I'm starting to have doubts with some but that's another issue).

Maybe you need to take the high ground if possible. Refuse to talk to them if they start becoming abusive or too upsetting for you. Tell them to call you back when they feel they can talk in a calmer fashion and hang up. Let them know that you think their behavior is unacceptable, that you don't have to accept it and you won't accept it. You would need to be strong & consistent - doing it every time they start.

Maybe someone that has been through this will have a better idea how to deal with it. But you probably have to do something eventually, either change how they act with you or limit the harmful contact in some way.

That cake sounds soooo nice. Guess I'll have to settle for as cuppa & a few bikkies instead. 🙂

Hope you got some good sleep. I actually fell a sleep just before midnight. But of course I was wide awake at 4:30am.....

Take care, chat later.

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2016, 10:00 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Hi @Former-Member,

Happy birthday for yesterday! I'm glad to hear things weren't as difficult as you'd imagined. It sounds like maybe there were a few good moments as well.

How are you going today?

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2016, 10:36 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Thank You @Former-Member, i'm ok surprisingly, actually relieved, & glad i didn't disassociate & do stupid stuff, not me, that make things worse, pleased about that. Appreciate the forum, somewhere to check in with, with the real stuff, stuff that otherwise would gain momentum & pull me under. Its been refreshing to have a place to go that lessons the drop. And somewhere where someone's actually asking how i am. Thanks.

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2016, 12:54 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Good to hear TAWNEY

Take care of yourself this week and let us know how things progress with your family. There's always someone to listen here.

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember31 Mar 2016, 8:15 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Thanks @acadia, so far so good. Trying to get little things done but the shower's a bit overdue. My only visitor dropped in yesterday and told me in no uncertain terms that i need to get out more, mix, go to church, get a job etc if i want people to remember my birthday & not feel so lonely. It shocks me that the one human i spend most time with doesn't get how hard that is for me, especially when teary & down (vulnerable). She even told me not to gather coping strategies like i do, weeks ahead, declaring i work myself up into a state. i often feel judged & started not to tell her thongs, like my antidepressants which she doesn't think are good. She thinks suocidal thoughts are a choice, that i have a 'welfare mentality' because of my 'low socio economic' background (guess she didn't know me the decades of rotating rosters & study as an RN midwife i put in before the more recent breakdown & trauma i can't seem to get on top of). Why can't people just accept things? I can't flick her cause she's the only person who frequents my door &, how can i risk pushing her away by saying she's stressing me..Think i'm scared of being alone. If she didn't check in on me it would be weeks before anyone else would if something went wrong.
Is it common to have that fear?
Anyway, was gonna talk about my family, but guess she's closer than any of them. I want to write about the, need to but it breaks my heart - the bickering hostility & games. I don't know how to guard my heart from being hurt. Last time i visited i not only felt threatened & unsafe (even though i was cleaning house & running errands) for the first time ever i came away feeling repulsed by it all, their carry on & lifestyle, & even got very sick with bronchitis. And i'm not even a house proud person. I don't know where its headed with them all, gonna go bad real fast with mum & dad so frai & i don't even think i could be round them for a funeral, they're all in conflict with each other and headstrong & disrespectful. With my sister not talking to me i have had to stay in the house when visiting them from qld so i've got to see the real picture. Very sad. My poor 25yo son had to learn for himself the hard way last christmas - he only lasted 2 days, left in peace but quietly saying 'never again'
How can EVERY family member have some form of mental illness? Why can't one of us be normal? It makes me feel like an orphan.
Better stop complaining, but feels good yo have some place to say it.

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

AppleblossomSenior Contributor01 Apr 2016, 12:31 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Hi @Former-Member

Glad you had some good contact with your son.

I am thinking similar thoughts about my brother's funeral. It is hard in dysfunctional families .. In a way it is a relief when kids see it for themselves, but also sad, as it would be better for all, if we could just get along.

Midwifery is an amazing field.

Sorry your visitor was condescending. I have had the 'lower socio-economic background' ... and 'welfare mentality' lines done on me. .... it was probably why I was a bit antsy when I first started posting on this forum. I am also wiser about the ways the upper mid class cover up their bad behaviours.

I am pretty alone. The only person who visits me is my student and her mum .. and that is work ... and I try and be open and friendly but keep limits on it.

Nobody actually cares about me, to phone, or visit. My brother phones every few months, but its never about me.

One way I have is being outside and doing the gardening. It is only recently that people have asked me how I am .. here on this forum and a bit at church. I am too extreme to fit in to the local church so I travel into town.. and then that is tricky cos of the abuse of my father and the Royal Commission.

I also have lost a daughter... in the sense that we have no contact .. I sent an emails around her birthday and Easter .. but she wont reply. I am getting used to it though and decided the best way to deal with it is like with grief ... only with her .. maybe one day she will write or phone.

Premature death and complications around grieving are very expensive in human relations. I have tried so hard to contribute and get back into society, its not easy.

Teaching part time for 25 years has given me an idea of how people treat each other when there is respect. Bridging the professional with the friendly has been difficult .. but a slowly evolving thing for me.

I had a "friend" who would make horrible comments while pretending to look out for me. I also thought I had to put up with it. We do what we have to. I always try and forgive .. and move on, but I dont miss his scorpion style sting ... tho he was a pisces .... I have enough self respect now .. not to be someone else's punching bag.

Take care .. wish I could be cheerier.

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember01 Apr 2016, 1:19 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

You're right @Appleblossom, sounds like you've had your share of pain too. With your daughter, just keep praying for her. My sister did not die but it feels like she has & only this past few months i have let her go - the balls in her court, i've forgiven - given her to God & though open, accept she probably never will warm to me again, nor i to her - no trust.
An idea, i created a book to write letters to my daughter & record things i think she's saying to me. It just occurred to me to do the same for my sister, there's so much i miss sharing with her. Maybe one day we will reconcile & i can present it to her. in the meantime i'm working at making myself a better person for when we all are meet again. Here or in heaven. Try the book, try keep it living.

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

AppleblossomSenior Contributor01 Apr 2016, 5:44 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Thanks @Former-Member

I have a little collection of tokens photos gifts that I keep as a shrine to my daughter.

I have a lot of photos of people who have been in my life and have passed ... for many reasons.

The book is a great idea. I journal a lot, but I think I will get a little decorated book for each of the living relationships that I want to keep some love alive for. It will help even for my step daughter, I had dreams and hopes for her as well as my biological daughter.

Thanks for the idea. It calms me to know that I havent let things pass unmarked .. I remember all the birthdays .. cos that is the way I am wired.

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor22 May 2016, 4:34 am AEST

Re: Birthday Times

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