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Birthday Times

Unknown userMember09 Mar 2016, 4:15 am AEDT

Birthday Times

BIRTHDAYS Hi all, every birthday month, since my youngest child died, & left me alone, suicidal thoughts intensify as i reevaluate if i can push through another year (does anyone else get that?). I have one living child, a 25yo son who lives away & determined to prove he doesn't need his mum. Visited him on the w'end & it didn't go well (cause i took my little dog) and i cried the 3hr journey home. Its so hard. My mother 1200k away is battling adenocarcenoma diagnosis that's just starting to grow faster. I want to help but can't handle her abuse & history & the two hovering argumentative brothers who have paranoid psychosis. Dad's in early dementia I & mar misses the man she was so dependant on. Because of my p/t comm support work mum thinks I'm a gov spy connected to Gardianship Board. Any attempts to help by cleaning or making suggestions is interpreted as criticism. She can be so vulgar and got the dr & authorities fooles she's coping. I don't know what to do with them all & my son & my sistet who cut me off after my breakdown when my girl died. Its all out of control & screams at me to disappear. My house is a mess & i'm having trouble conquering the kitchen sink much less the clutter. Anyway, just needed to tell someone, hope it doesn't depress you beautiful souls.

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In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember15 Mar 2016, 3:02 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Hi @Drac0,
You're such a giving person - helping friends online for hours, ya good at it.
As for the doctor - my Dr (gp) only has power to medicate & ship me off to counselling. I don't have private insurance for proper psych care. No case manager etc. I'm too boarderline (functional but not) to qualify for extra support. And not good at begging / asking for help. Is that what you are implying by suggesting i talk about 'other' things.
Trying to get things done today but still walking in circles - have to focus harder.
Thanks for everything.

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Drac0Senior Contributor15 Mar 2016, 5:33 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Hey @TAWNWY, good thing I don't sleep much most of the time, always something to do.

What I was suggesting with the GP was talking about things like the mood swings etc, that maybe you have more than just depression. As we said before, it's hard to get the idea of being more than just depressed across to those who need to know.

I've been trying to get things done today too, but like you not much is happening - I cleaned out the sink if that counts, and thought about making sure everything is washed & put away. Have an inspection in the morning then my sister coming from Perth to spend a night on Thursday. So it looks like I'm in for a long night of forcing myself to clean at least some of it.

Chat soon..

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember20 Mar 2016, 10:26 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Only 8days to survive now 'till easter & my birthday have passed. Paid my bills, stocked up on serious munchies & batten down the hatches with good story movies. Don't know if i deserve it, to be forgotten but it hurts when i am & the cards have dwindled & visitors rare. Wand to b remembered but don't want to make anyone sad by answering if they do ring. Its all to fake. Think my ma & sis like using these times as their only power over me left -- power to hurt me & they don't blink knowng it. I'm done. Can't afford to care anymore & plan to check out a while (withdraw, distract & sleep) as the world wants. What else can i do with no $ or company? It hurts & i'm sad. Longest month march. What u all up to?

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Drac0Senior Contributor20 Mar 2016, 11:38 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

You have got through this before @Former-Member. No matter how bad you feel right now I'm sure you will again.

There is nothing wrong when things seem to be going bad to do the things that make us feel safe or comfortable. You don't deserve munchies & movies? Like hell you don't. You deserve, no, you need to do what you feel is best for your own well-being. It's all about self-care at these times, looking after yourself & staying safe. If that's munchies & movies then do it.

Being alone, cutting yourself of from the world isn't always the answer. But if you feel that is the best way for you to deal with things no-one can say it's not right. Does it make you feel better than it would interacting with people? Especially those who seem to just want to make things worse? I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, only you know what is best for your own well-being.

I've been in a similar place to where you are. I'm a lot better at dealing with it now but even so still shy from the outside world. And yes, people seem to forget you quickly. Even now, when I am 'better' I still spend 95% of my time alone. Money & company is something I still don't have - there is no-one in my life I would consider close enough to have here, to be able to talk to fully. Not one. But I'm ok with that, well sort of. We all would love to at least have that one person we can connect with, I'm no different.

But I would rather go without being remembered than have people around me who only get in contact when I can do something for them or that want to use me as an emotional punching bag. Everyone has the right to set limits & boundaries and if others don't like them then it's their problem. Some people will only remember you out of habit. But maybe amongst those that do still contact you or send cards etc there is actually someone who really does care. Damn, just surprised myself there. Never looked at it like that before myself.....

As for how your ma & sis treat you, I think I'll just leave a quote....

"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance – you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go."

— Daniell Koepke

Whatever you do over the next week @Former-Member, please take care, stay safe & do what is best for YOU!

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember21 Mar 2016, 8:36 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Thanks @Drac0, sounds like u understand. Sad that u haven't got a confidant. Chats here ease things a little perhaps. There's a lot of quotes about flicking 'toxic' people, my dilemma (being misunderstood a lot) is knowing if people truly are toxic or if i just want to see them that way. While fixing dad's phone I had the misfortune of reading a tx my sister sent him. She said things about me that were simply not true. She clearly interpreted my struggle with grieving my girl that year & the withdrawing thing i do, as a personal attack on her. Being miserable made her miserable so i guess she justifies cutting me off by seeing me as toxic. I thinks many people with mental illness can have a toxic impact on others which is wby there's so much loneliness in the world. Its a silent lethal epidemic because most struggle with going the extra mile when they're broken themselves.
There are people in my life but i've made it very clear that i don't want to be told what to do & need my space. The closest people in my life think i should move to the city, and its stressful to contemplate cause i have trouble with the kitchen sink let alone scaling back clutter to move. Yes it might be better but i just struggle getting organized, making decisions etc etc which they don't understand & i feel judged. If i totally cut off everyone who offends me - then there'd be nobody. As we get older this gets worse. Without human connection i just want to be with Jesus, my hope.
sorry, babbling on, just wanted to thank u for replying. Gotta go.

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

NikNikSenior Contributor21 Mar 2016, 9:15 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sorry you had to read that hurtful text.

It's unfortunate that when we isolate ourselves (intentional or not) is when we need others the most, but sadly people mis-interpret it and take it personally.

I hope you don't see yourself as toxic, because I definitely don't see you that way.

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember21 Mar 2016, 9:31 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Made me cry (good tears) thanks

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember22 Mar 2016, 10:20 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Conduros ontro to niso columbas trinitro

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

AppleblossomSenior Contributor22 Mar 2016, 11:01 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Che cosa Bella?

poco a poco .. but the other Latin language.

I also got sick of the "quick flick of toxic people" meme. We are all a mix of good and bad. I also get wary when there is too much of a slushy gushy going on about a particular favourite in a group. I might mildly agree but at some point make comments about the "problems of putting people on pedestals" ... and "no-one's perfect". etc .. to counteract ... "excessive idealisation." which after all is a psychiatric problem.

I thought the idea was to find the good in a person and if I hadnt found it then I wasnt looking hard enough. Jeez I make things hard for myself.

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2016, 9:22 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Need to talk, connect,, but can't find the words. Anyone else get like that?

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