evolving as we go

@OhanaSystem I know how long 2-3 weeks can feel when you are waiting for someone important to come back. Waiting is hard!

It sounds like OhanaSystem has a super challenge to work on - learning more functional ways to deal with big feelings. TTT talks about how there are steps in therapy. I can't actually remember them all right now, but step 1 (which I am up to) is stabilize. She has said that before we delve into the giant muddle, she needs to be confident that I can keep myself alive between sessions. I'm wondering if what you are being told is something similar? If so, it isn't a never-ever thing that you can't do trauma work, it's just a when-we-are-ready-for-that-step thing. As TTT says, she can't help me create a life worth living if I'm dead. So if just staying alive is the goal for now, then so be it.

Of course, I may be way off track here because I'm not psychic and don't really know what the people talking to you really mean.

you're definitely not off track @Phoenix_Rising. it's sort of the same but a little different. we are not usually at risk of dying. we've done dbt twice to get the skills to do trauma therapy but it seems like the key to not self harming for us lies in trauma therapy. so it's hard because they're saying you can't do the thing thta'll stop you doing the other thing until you stop doing the other thing. at the same time as saying stop avoiding the trauma but don't talk about it.

its so hard. and it hurts a super lot.

my heart is so sad and so heavy. is anyone out there?

Hi @OhanaSystem

I hear you - yesterday was your son's memorial day - does this mean he has passed? I understand - you must feel scared and alone - and if you are in a trauma group yet can't talk about the trauma - to me that is just this side of disastrous

My son has passed too - a long time ago now - and there are still moments when it is very fresh - and if you are early in the process that is traumatic

Do you want to talk about it? - those of us who have been through this know how deep the pain goes -

I really care

Dec

Quickly stopping by to let you know I'm thinking of you @OhanaSystem.

I am so so sorry for your sad and heavy heart.

I have no words to help. (((( @OhanaSystem )))) virtual hugs, because there is no touching involved.

thank you so much @CheerBear, @Owlunar and @Former-Member. today is a little better but i am emotionally exhausted beyond belief. we have slept most of the day as a result which has made it a bit easier to bear the alone and hurty feelings.

@Owlunar, our son and daughter are both dead - though some people say they never really lived. but they did exist. our son was both conceived and lost during an abuse event 23 years ago, but due to the abuse it was only about 10 years ago i even recovered those memories.

@Former-Member thank you for the virtual hugs. i have a real life friend who likes to do "air hugs" where she kind of wafts the air in my direction. it usually makes me smile!

Hi @OhanaSystem,

I'm doing a super quick fly through Forum Land tonight, but thought I'd quickly drop by here.

It sounds like you are stuck in a super frustrating circle regarding them not wanting you to do trauma work. I wonder if it would be helpful to talk to your proper T about it when she gets back. The way you have explained it here makes perfect sense to me, so I'm thinking maybe it might make sense to her too. I super hope so!

Do you want to hear a funny TTT story? During our phone call yesterday she told me to go and have pizza followed by icecream for dinner. I playfully responded with, "er, you do know that healthy eating is an important part of coping with big feelings don't you?" TTT then proceded to explain to me why she thinks pizza is a healthy meal. It made me giggle, which super helped me. Oh and just for the record, I ended up having a family-sized block of Cadbury snack for dinner,

I'm glad today was a bit better than yesterday for you @OhanaSystem.

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@OhanaSystemwrote:

@Owlunar, our son and daughter are both dead - though some people say they never really lived. but they did exist. our son was both conceived and lost during an abuse event 23 years ago, but due to the abuse it was only about 10 years ago i even recovered those memories.

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I understand @OhanaSystem

Your children did live - they were alive within you and your body and soul and mind and spirit all know this and they need to be grieved like everyone else

But a lot of people don't understand this

I had several miscarriages before we adopted our son - then I had my biological child and then another miscarriage - and having living children did ease the losses through miscarriage I still remember how devastating is was

There were lives and they have gone and sometimes I wonder where the lives went and I understand that I can't possible know how you feel

My son was 16 when he died - I still feel it and it was over 30 years ago

I have had repressed memories too - these are memories that are too powerful to remember and we have no idea of what we have forgotten - even that something happened at all - and with the right circumstances these memories

Having your children conceived then lost through abuse is really hard - I can't imagine - I just know that every life is important - and mostly a life we wanted to keep and this is hard - truly a traumaversary

I am sorry

Dec

@OhanaSystem and @Owlunar In my mind and heart, your children lived, as did those of mine who did not breathe in this world.

((((( @OhanaSystem ))))) ((((( @Owlunar )))))