Living with Ourselves

thats a really pretty pic @Sophia1 i hope you were able to find somewhere tranquil today after overdoing it yesterday. im sorry about the pain youve been in though, i hope it eases as time goes on.

hows your day been?

that is true, it would be hard loosing independence for them too, i respect his wishes if he doesnt want me there then i wont go. im sorry your not talking to your mum either, i hope your relationship can be repaired even a little bit so you can talk over the phone to her too.

have just seen the bunches of flowers @outlander

transformed from the triangle road signs..

and what a transformation they are...beautiful...much appreciated

@Sophia1 .... ❤️

hello all

not wanting to tag some and not others..

not wanting to affect moods of others already dealing with their own struggles...

am emotional again...thought had passed me by..

how silly of me to assume..

tears are flowing again...better in than out...

thinking about my sons...my mum...my twin...

my life...

I feel as though I have now received karma....for whatever reason??...

a feeling of transcendence came over me yesterday briefly....almost the inside out of deep dark depression...

then left me ....resurgence of questions about my life....now

I was convinced before the surgery that I was at the end of whatever had begun....not in a sad way...not in a terminal way...just an ending...

when I went for my check up with neuro surgeon on friday....he came out of his office beaming..clearly pleased with my progress. the results...my stance...

I shook his hand...smiled..thanked him...then seemed to depersonalise again...part of me thinking where am I...why am I here...what have I been through...

he told me that I need another MRI in three months then see him with results...then another 6 months...then yearly for three years...

none of this was discussed before the operation...I now know why...I think that he held back this information despite my consistent questioning..

so I am left with one big huge mess which represents zilch....more blanks...more fog...more tears..why more tears?? because I am still here? because I didn't just peacefully not wake up?

now you know why I have not tagged anyone...

I do not want to upset anybody..

I will look for today's sanctuary

@Sophia1 Oh Sophia1 oh no!! My minimizing posts are due to the fact that my mind is like a bowl of Heinz spaghetti. I find t very hard to read long posts or indeed to write long ones myself. I am off to see my pdoc on Wed and have a good convo with her about everything. For awhile I couldnt cope with other peoples pain it was all to intense. I needed a break from the forums as I was 'feeling well' then realised I was just on another manic stage of my mi.

If you felt that way it was never my intent and I do apologise. xxxx

thinking of you and sitting with you @Sophia1

Hey @Sophia1 - sending you some very positive thoughts. Knowing that you are in a difficult place at the moment but hoping that there is some joy to be had. Have to cling to hope - that things will get better.

@Sophia1

I guess your were reading your doctors sense of caution before the operation of what was a real and present danger, and then his relief, that your results indicate success.

I am glad for you, but when we have a near miss, that is important to understand.

Happy you are here and posting again.

Dont overthink it all, maybe there will be moments for you and your son... still to come ...