The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

@Shaz51. Mum, step mum, foster mum, 2nd mum, etc. It's all the same. Mum. No matter where the children came from or how they arrived to us, we still do the mum stuff.

Hi, I have just joined sane forums so not sure what I am doing our if it's right. I will start with introducing myself and issues.

I am married with two girls, 12 & 9. I have struggled for quite a while with depression and low moods and anxiety. I had Pnd with my first and also list my mum when I was five months pregnant. Have always just gotten through with help from counseling. I currently am struggling with the fact that I feel I should never have had kids, I am so over all the work involved in it, I work part time and also still do almost everything at home. Husband helps sometimes but it's sometimes easier to just do it then get angry and ask for help (will probably yell for help). Motivation is at an all time low and I get no joy out of anything.

Hello @K-E-T and welcome to the forum

Husband helps sometimes but it's sometimes easier to just do it-- I know what you mean my friend , but I still let my husband who has MI do things even though it might be wrong

Hello @CheerBear, @utopia, @Owlunar, @frog, @Bunniekins

@Shaz51 yeah but sometimes when you don't ask and you leave dishes and clothes and other stuff and it doesn't get done by anyone else is just easier to just do it as it makes me more anxious and more depressed which then increases the low moods and lack of motivation and then the house looks bad and I am a bad mum for letting kids live like this and etc etc etc

@K-E-T@CheerBear@Shaz51. I have to nag for days to get my son to do his own basic chores (bringing dishes back to the kitchen, putting his dirty clothes out, and hanging up his wet towel) . But when I'm in the grip of depression , I can't stand there and argue with him anymore. I walk away and go back to bed. And he gets away with doing nothing .

Hi @Owlunar @Shaz51 @CheerBear glad to see this thread is alive and kicking.

Welcome @K-E-T

@utopia I really relate to what you're saying about the struggle of getting son to do even basic stuff. It's exhausting and mine is hostile. Sometimes I can't keep fighting and have to withdraw. Some days I can't afford to engage with his yelling and carrying on, because it cuts into my sleep. Not a happy choice.

@frog Teenagers and mental health. Not a good mix.

Hi everyone .... 🖐

@utopia @CheerBear @frog @K-E-T @Shaz51 .... anyone else around ....

Most if not all of what you are describing is coming across to me as normal developmental stuff with kids. I have raised my five, one with a disability, two now with "mild" mi issues (compared to what more extreme conditions can be like), and while that doesn't make me an expert of any kind, it does give me a range of experience. I also studied teaching, and developmental psychology within that course for a while, and have read plenty of parenting books since, because mine are all feisty, and I have been reaching for coping skills, advice, understanding, stragegies, you-name-it their whole lives.

That's because parenting will be the most exhilarating, frustrating, complicated, convoluted, mesmerising and challenging thing you will ever have taken on.

Along with the territory come things like telling you they hate you and don't want to live with you any more ..... and that can happen in the most loving and caring of families, and ones where there is no real sign of mental illness at all. I just want to put that out there, because there can be so much guilt and self-criticism associated with mi circumstances that says things like -

"Was this my fault ? It must have been .... if I wasn't xyz or I had abc'd, maybe they wouldn't be saying / doing / feeling that ...."

and

"What have I done wrong that this would happen ?"

We all do the best we can in the circumstances we have, and the middle teenage years in particular really suck .... you wonder where the child you loved and raised went, and wish the aliens would return them and take back this strange creature that has been left in their place. Persevere .... when they come out the other end of teenage, they resemble the child you knew and loved much more, and have usually lost a good deal of the sucky attitude, replacing it with the I-know-everything-now one that 20-somethings are often known for, but they are more human regardless.

Give yourselves a break. Mi issues can produce great resilience in your kids, even if things are rougher on the way through .... and empathy .... and strength of character .... and a whole bunch of other good stuff that can come out of hardship and struggle that you can't see evidence of yet.

Just love them as best you can. Provide for them as best you can. Weather their stormy teenage attitudes and things that were better left unsaid .... and hold your course and boundaries, making time for self-care, cos they will remember you did that later when it is important for them to do the same.

Hugs and hugs @utopia ....

"When you walk through a storm